Love Love Love

I had to spend the morning reliving the whole accident, in minute detail.

Our solicitor came to see us for the first time today so he needed all of the information again. The case will be long but we are prepared for that. Unsurprisingly the woman hadn’t told her insurance company, she probably still believes she did nothing wrong. We just need to wait now and see what they/she say, if they admit liability or not. Even though it would make it all the easier emotionally if she just admitted fault, I’m not going to hold my breath.

But for every bad moment, we have to find the good one.
I found mine in the form of my gorgeous boys. We have made progress, they both sat on my bed this morning whilst I was still sat on it! We tickled each other and laughed and my heart could have exploded with love. One small act bought so much joy and they are totally oblivious!

So my travels continued today. After a morning of sitting I got myself into my wheels and spun on down to Charleigh’s School Jubilee Party 🙂 It was spitting, cold and I felt so tired but it was really important to me to go for Charleigh. She was looking forward to it so much she was almost bouncing off of the walls this morning! She has been through so much and I feel that we need to remember that she is still only a ten year old little girl who needs her Mummy and Daddy.

I won’t let any of my family feel as though what has happened to me is more important than them. They are my everything and are getting me through each day. Their smiles, laughter and just simple normality are all I need. For small fractions of the day, when I am consumed by their enthusiasm for life, I can almost forget.

I am getting very frustrated at not being able to move around my house and get things that I want or need. I hate having to wait for someone else to go and get my clothes to get dressed. The frustration can make me really snappy and I hate being like that. I don’t honestly believe that anyone, who hasn’t been in a situation like this, else really understands.

But I have found a group of people that do understand through the miracle that is the Internet. I found a forum for people with Ilizarov Fixators and from that a support group on Facebook. We are all from different parts of the world, at different stages of recovery but are all connected by pure chance. I am looking forward to getting to know them and hopefully offering as well as taking advice and help.

My life is so full of amazing people, I feel very blessed. I have been overwhelmed with the love, help, encouragement and generosity of friends. Some have been life long friends, others just weeks before the accident. Some I haven’t even met. There are some truly good people in this world, and after everything, they really put my faith back in human kind.

I am ending the day happy.

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Date Night

I’m not quite sure what people expect when they come to see me at home, it would be appear that I am ‘more together’ than they expect! I take this as a huge compliment that I am indeed moving forward and enjoying my life.

My life I still have and all of the the things that I enjoyed before I can still enjoy (well, I might have to give the dancing a miss for a while). I enjoy a cold glass of wine on a hot summers night, getting lost in my book, conversation with my friends and family, trashy tv!

I am not naive, I know there will be bad days, I don’t believe the nightmares have taken my last night, however, whilst the good days are here I am going to grab on with both hands and soak up the joy they bring.

Tonight James and I took advantage of my Mum staying with us and went on a ‘date night’, a trip to the cinema to see Men In Black 3, and we really pushed the boat out and went 3D! Highly recommend it. It was so nice to have some time just for the two of us. We are still young, we should be enjoying our lives and our marriage. I believe that we are so lucky to have each other and we shouldn’t ever take it for granted. Whatever is thrown into our lives will only make us stronger.

It really feels wonderful when I am out. It’s not that I see my house as a prison at all, but it is easy for me to see how easy it could become that. These legs now bring on a tiredness that wasn’t there before, the constant reminder as well as the physical weight of a cast and Nicholas. Leaving the house is a laborious task but even when it feels too high a mountain to climb, I will do it, as I know that it is always worth it in the end.

Moving Forward ….. In More Ways Than One

Sat here this morning I was waiting for my Mum to get my bowl of warm water, toiletries and such so that I could wash and get dressed. I am lucky in that I can do it all myself, right down to stretching my big cotton bloomers over Nicholas!!
It reminded me of my Carer days. I was a Carer was a short while looking after the elderly in their homes. I had to help them wash etc on a daily basis and some of them were quite angry and resented you being there. Only now am I getting an insight as to what their lives were like. Unlike me, they weren’t going to get better, this was their life and for them it was often humiliating to have a twenty-something help them wash and dress. I can see the funny side of yelling at Mum, ‘flannel please’ … ‘you forgot the toothpaste’. But if this was forever, I can see how it would be a bitter pill to swallow.

Today was the day that I decided to face the scene of the accident for the first time.
We had other things to do as well and on the way in the car I actually forgot that we were going there first. When realisation hit that it was where we were headed I inevitably started to feel anxious. Coming round the corner to where it happened the tears came. We parked and walked (wheeled in my case) to where it actually happened and I relived it. I cried as I remembered different aspects of it, the pain, the fear, the total lack of any human compassion from her, the amazing kindness of strangers and I cried for what has been lost. We talked about how pointless and avoidable the whole accident was. Actually seeing the road again and the point of impact made it really hit home how in the wrong she was. I am even more clear in my mind what I did that day and how I didn’t stand a chance. But wherever blame does or does not lie, I didn’t deserve to be left there, in pain and unable to move.
However, as I cried I told myself that I was crying away the bitterness and the anger. I wont ever forget but it wont rule my life. I’m not sure I am ready to forgive but today was about facing what has happened, after all no-one can change the past but most of all it was about moving forward and forward I went.

I went for a lovely lunch with my Mum and James and then onto my first Physio appointment.
We went through the rigmarole of what had happened, what I could and couldn’t do, what exercises I was already doing. Everything was looking positive as the movement in my ankles is good and with regular exercises things can only get better.
Then came the moment that I surprised even myself.
I explained that so far all I had managed to do was stand with the zimmer and perform an awkward three shuffle move with James’ help.
We made our way over to the long white fixed Physio bars. I stood ….. I walked ….. from one end
to the other! Full weight through my right leg, no weight on the left and no pain! I am so proud of myself. I actually did it! The bars are very different from the zimmer but the psychological element of ‘you can’t walk on your broken leg’ vanished. It has been replaced with ‘you CAN do this! Have faith’
Maybe some of my little prayers have been answered.
Over the next two weeks I have to practice getting my balance right standing up with zimmer and getting my weight forward and then progressing to being able to take small steps with it.

All of those little steps have turned into a giant leap and it feels brilliant.

For the first time since May 12th I feel honestly happy and inside it feels like I have found a small piece of the ‘old’ Kerry again.

I am not one to give up and if I want something I work to get it.

I want to walk and walk I will.

Good Advice & Good Friends

Last night was one of the hardest. I couldn’t sleep at all, impossible to get comfortable no matter what I tried. I spent most of the time in tears feeling so angry and bitter. I can’t blame nightmares as sleep didn’t come for me to have any. Subsequently this morning I totally broke down and was as close to a full blown panic attack without actually having one, and all at the worst possible time. James was trying to get three children fed, washed and dressed and all I could do was sit on my bed and cry and wail. I called my wonderful Mummy No2 (aka Mother in Law) who came over earlier than planned to help with the madness. It’s horrible after being such independent and together person so suddenly be able to fall apart so easily and have to ask for help. That is one of the hardest things. But we got through it and I was thankful for my hospital appointment today. It meant that I had to get dressed and leave the house and focus on something else. It was the best medicine.

The drive to the hospital made me feel quite emotional. Last time I made that journey was in an ambulance, in horrific pain and extremely scared. We went up to the ward to collect a letter and It still felt like my safe place. It was good to see the nurses who had looked after me so well. In a really peculiar way I will miss them. Is that strange? They played such a big part in a event that I won’t forget ever, I feel as though somehow there will always a little bit of their love and kindness in me.
So now I am sporting a funky purple removable cast on my left leg. I was finally able to see the wounds, I have a small scar on the right, approx 2 inches, and a larger one on the left about double the size. My surgeon is very happy with how I am progressing and was surprised that I could move my right foot independently. It’s undoubtedly gives me strength to hear that. I am, despite my own annoying self doubt moving forward.
I also met someone at the hospital who had similar injuries to me but on opposite legs and his fixator had been removed. It felt good to see someone that much further on and see them genuinely happy and recovered.

This is just a bad episode, I will get better.

Over the last few days I have received some amazing comments and words of advice and wisdom from friends and family. But also from people who have never met me and who only know of me because of this blog or through mutual friends on Facebook. Some of their words have truly touched my heart and given me a new found determination. If they can have faith in me and believe that I can do this then surely I can. It’s not that my family haven’t been amazing and supportive, of course they have. But with family it’s what you do naturally, support your own. I can’t let them down I won’t, I have to do this.

But I have made a decision that to move on I need to let go of the anger and bitterness that is currently eating me up inside and slowly tearing me apart. I know it’s still early days, the accident was less than three weeks ago, but I need to start to face what’s happened and really move on, for my sake as well as everyone else. I don’t want my children to see me how I was this morning again.
Tomorrow James, my Mum and I are going to go to the scene of the accident. I keep seeing it in my head and a wave of panic comes over me, my heart beats too fast and I feel that sense of dread. But the sooner I face it, with the people who keep me strong, then I really do believe I will be able to see past the horror of what has happened and look to future.

James is going to sleep downstairs with me tonight. He is my rock, if anyone can keep the bad away it’s him.

Up She Gets ….. Down She Goes

Firstly apologies to my Facebook friends, the novice that I am didn’t realise that my entires were automatically posted on there and I was posting them too! We live and learn ……..

Today has been a day mixed with feelings of great achievement and also of grief.

To get from bed to chair/commode to bed etc I have been bum shuffling from one to the other. Every day since Thursday I have been practising standing up on my zimmer frame. Today I finally managed to take a step!!! Well three actually but hey! I was sat on my chair wanting to get back into bed and using my zimmer I stood and, with James’ help, was able to turn the frame a little at a time and move my right leg whilst using my arms to take the weight of my body on the frame. Eventually after what seemed like a life time I was able to sit on the bed and bum shuffle back into place.
It was such a feeling that I don’t quite know to describe it. It felt exhilarating to know that I could do it. Despite everyone saying that it would come in time I don’t think I actually believed it until I did it. I can now see ahead and see that given time, practice and perseverance I will be able to walk with Nicholas. It won’t be easy and it will be painful, physically and emotionally, getting there but I will do it.

Another stroke of luck is that the Red Cross phoned and we were able to swap the wheel chair for a thinner one. This means that it now fits through all of our door ways without James having to do any DIY on the door frames. (cue sigh of relief!)
So into the chair I got and made my way around my house and into the conservatory for the first time in over two weeks. On the way I joked about the state of the kitchen and the play room. This was half tongue in cheek due to my ‘Monica’ tidy tendencies but also to try and cover up my nervousness. It was scary if I am totally honest. A bit similar to when I first came home. I knew what I was going to see but I’m looking at it all from a totally set of eyes. What can I get to, what can do I do, where do I fit? I don’t feel as though I fit in my home anymore. I feel like an outsider looking in and intruding on someone else’ life.

But sat in my sun filled conservatory I was able to see my two naked little boys running round in the sun, slashing in the pool, laughing and being the happy little guys that I know them to be. That has by far been the highlight of my day.

Sitting in my bed and hearing my family all around the house and the garden having fun and laughing is very difficult. To not just be able to go and join is sheer torture. To hear the laughter but not know what is causing it, to hear the chatter but not sure of the words. I don’t think I will get used to it and nor do I think I should have to. No mother should have to listen to her children having fun and not be able to join in.

So despite the huge step forward, literally, today, I feel as though it has been over shadowed by the frustration and anger that I am feeling today. And that I itself annoys me because I don’t want to be negative. Vicious circle. But quite simply I don’t deserve this and I am spitefully bitter about it today. I think that that woman should be made to face what she has done.

Charleigh has been amazing as always. My little ‘Nurse Charleigh’ can’t do enough for me. During a weepy moment earlier she suddenly appeared with her mobile phone and she started to play songs that she and I normally sing at the top of our voices and dance too. Before long I was smiling and laughing and enjoying a moment with my daughter that I don’t think I will ever forget.

The boys are still very confused. They still won’t cuddle me, they won’t come onto the bed (although they will now come up to the edge so I guess they are getting better). When I was sat in the conservatory, Henry didn’t understand why I couldn’t go out into the garden and play. We have two large steps leading down. Quite impossible at the moment. That was heart breaking and I had to go as I couldn’t stand it. I cried for the majority of the afternoon.
At bed time they ask for me but I cannot go up to them. I cannot tuck them in. I cannot see them snuggle and get ready for their Sweet dreams.

This is where the comes. I really do feel as though I am grieving for the things that I used to do without thinking. You don’t realise how much you really take for granted when you are totally able bodied.

Tonight there will be tears, they are here already, but if I shed them tonight along with today’s anger, they can be gone for tomorrow, a new day and one closer to recovery.

The End Of The Day

So my first day back at home after two weeks is coming to a close. It has flown by! Sitting in the front room of your own home is, unsurprisingly, more comfortable and relaxing than a hospital room with four blank walls and a plastic floor.

It has been glorious sunshine and even though I haven’t been able to enjoy it it hasn’t mattered, being surrounded by my beautiful family is all I need right now. Already I feel more at ease with my legs and being unable to walk. I don’t feel any panic in sight and my heart isn’t trying to escape out of my chest any more. I can breathe easy.

As always though the nights are still my thorn. Sleep doesn’t come easily to me. Trying to get comfortable is somewhat of a challenge with Nicholas (the ‘cage’) on one leg and the other moving around in a cast that is now too big. The cast on my left leg is only a temporary half cast after the surgery to allow time for the swelling to go down. It’s now too big meaning my leg moves and it’s rubbing on the right side of my ankle. I think this is where they must have opened the leg to pin my ankle. I am back on Monday to have a new fibre glass cast put on so hope that things will be a little easier then.
It sounds bizarre to me to be talking about things being easier! I have two broken legs, nothing about this is easy. But all we can do is make life as comfortable as possible.

It’s been peculiar today sat here on my bed in the living room. It’s going to take a lot of getting used to, not just being able to get up and nip into another room. Once I tried to get out and then suddenly remembered that I can’t. It shocked me when this happened as how can I possibly forget?? Wishful thinking maybe that as my son is crying just feet away after tripping over my zimmer frame I cannot go and comfort him. And nor does he want to come to me instead preferring the arms of my Mum. I don’t blame either of course as we, Henry and I, are both lucky to have my Mum here.

No matter how old I am, no matter what happens I always want my Mum. And without fail or hesitation she is there for me every time. I think that at the moment only she has the slightest recognition of the feelings I am facing. She broke her leg many years ago before there was the wonder that is the Ilizarov Fixator (my Nicholas) and was in traction for weeks in hospital. She had to say goodbye me to more than I have had to to my children so that is a blessing.

So as the moon appears and we draw our curtains on the day, My thoughts turn to the night ahead. I pray only that the nightmares stay away, for just tonight at least. As bitter as it sounds, and I hope I don’t always feel this way, but I hope that that woman is feeling some heartache over what she has done and I hope that her calm is disrupted by the damage that she has caused. I am not ready to forgive as I certainly cannot forget.

First Morning At Home

I am surrounded by the hustle and bustle of morning in the Hyatt house. Breakfast, playing, getting dressed, tantrums ……. I’m loving it. Being confined to bed I am able to sit back and watch it all unfold which is strange because normally I am in the centre of it all. It’s a wonderful feeling seeing how all of family interact and fit together so beautifully. James is doing a totally amazing job at keeping everything running (with a little help from our Mum’s!). I am so proud of the loving, warm home James and I have created for our children.

After a pretty much a sleepless first night at home, seeing my babies faces peek round the corner at 6.50 was the best wake up call. ‘Mummy home!’ ….. Yes boys I AM! Snuggles in my downstairs bed with Charleigh topped it off perfectly.

At the moment Charleigh is in a grump because we’re making her eat breakfast, the boys are playing shops with James as he attempts to eat toast, there is chatter of getting the boys dresses! Charleigh tidying her room, what needs to go on the shopping list, my wonderful Mum mucking into the mix….. a perfect morning!

Today I think will be filled with working out how it’s all going to work with me being home. Is the equipment in the best place? Will we remember to do my physio? How will the boys react to Mummy using a toilet in the front room? Fitting the needs of the children in to those of mine. I’m not expecting a smooth ride, we are all on a huge learning curve, there will be mistakes and tears but I’m sure there will be laughter too.

I have an amazing family that I love so much.

Even though the last two weeks have been the start of a journey, I believe that the real journey starts here and I’m starting it with a smile on my face and a glow in my heart.

I am looking forward to blogging the roads ahead, it is helping enormously.

Home Sweet Home

Well here I am, sat in my newly arranged front room, in the spare bed, writing this blog entry on my new iPad. What a difference 24 hours can make!

I’ve had some very poignant visitors over the last 24 hours.
The first came last night, the paramedic who came to the scene when the accident happened. That day he was my saviour! I was so pleased to see him and touched that he had taken the time to visit. He doesn’t often have to go to the hospital and specifically looked me up as he was there. He was surprised that my injuries were this bad as they are and along with everyone is shocked attheevents that unfolded that day. (And the small world that it is, one of my best friends is his wife’s personal trainer!)
The second was the lady who called the paramedics on that day, looked after Charleigh and along with her husband was able to identify the driver. Again, I was ever so grateful for her visit. We spoke of that day and I learnt things that I wasn’t aware of at the time. One being that as I was quite clearly lying the floor injured (before someone was sensible and nice enough to block the road) other drivers still continued to try and drive around me despite others trying to divert them, and were trying to park their cars! Honestly, after this whole story, I’m not sure the human race can shock me any more.

Before leaving the hospital I had my first shower in two weeks. It was wonderful to feel the hot water running over me. I may have been sat on a plastic chair, my legs wrapped in black bags and taped shut and with James stood next to me waiting to pass over shampoo and conditioner, but it was the best feeling. I felt as though I was cleaning away the last two weeks in preparation to going home to my family, ready to start the next stage of my journey.

Leaving the hospital was a very surreal experience. Two weeks doesn’t seem like a long time, but being in an environment like that, totally dependant on other people, it has a huge affect on you mentally and emotionally. As they were wheeling me through the ward to leave and all of the nurses were saying goodbye and wishing me well, it shocked me that I felt the lump in my throat and the tears in my eyes. It felt as though I were saying goodbye to friends. I might not see these people again and I’m sure that over time I will forget their names and faces, however I won’t ever forget what part they have played in this journey. I have the upmost respect for them and the gratitude I feel towards them won’t ever leave me.

What will stay with me is the faces of children as I pulled up outside my house. Charleigh jumping up and down in the doorway with a poster and my boys in the window waving furiously. I held back the tears coming into my house, this was a happy time and I wanted my children to see it as that. They don’t understand tears of joy. I was suddenly engulfed in a chorus of ‘mummy big bed’ ‘mummy back’ ‘mummy broke leg’ I am amazed at how much more they are talking now, two weeks in the life of a two year is such a long time.
Archie is quite content with me and I had beautiful cuddles. Henry however is still unsure and we are going to have to build back our relationship. He has a sensitive soul and takes everything to heart and my absence has had a huge affect on him and our bond and relationship. I can’t say I’m ok with it because I’m not. It is heartbreaking and totally devastating that my little baby is too confused to show me any emotion. As a parent you do whatever you can to protect your children, and even though this isn’t my fault, I feel distraught that he is going through this because of something that has happened to me.

I am nervous about being at home now and how things are going to work out. I have butterflies and think sleep will come slowly tonight but the relief to be here is immense. I am back where I belong and whatever the future holds, together with my amazing family and friends I am confident that I can face it with a new found courage and belief in myself.

Home Is In Sight

I think the nurses have pretty much had enough of me being here as much as I have of being here. I don’t mean it in a bad way at all, apart from the one, the nurses here have been amazing, but there isn’t a lot more for them to do for me. Nothing that between James and I we can’t do at home. I can almost feel it, being at home, the smell of my own things, surrounded by ow my belongings. Being able to look at the pictures on the wall, drink tea out of my mug. I cannot wait.Hopefully today if not tomorrow. Being able to watch my boys run around and hear Charleigh crashing through the front door after school. It’s funny the little things that you miss. But hidden between the excitement and joy of seeing home in sight, is a bit of nervousness and trepidation. After being in hospital for such a long time after such injuries you become almost institutionalised. You become accustomed quickly to having nurses and doctors just a button press away, the comfort of knowing that should anything happen or go wrong they are at hand. The fact that I am unable to walk makes me nervous even though we have all of the equipment ready at home that I have here. I am sure it will take a while to get used to being there again. And emotionally, the last time I left home I was going shopping with my daughter to buy ingredients for Fajita’s so we could have a fun evening as a family watching BGT! But I didn’t come back. And now I am going home, I have two broken legs and emotions that I never knew existed in me. It’s going to be hard but it’s one step that I am looking forward to taking. The day I finally do get home is where the journey really starts to healing as a family.

Heartbreak & Anger

Heartbreak is your daughter coming to see you for the first time in a week and then having to say goodbye.
Heartbreak is your 2 year old sons calling you and saying ‘good night mummy’ ‘see you soon mummy’ and kissing the phone.
Heartbreak is wanting nothing more than a cuddle from your husband and not being to just roll over and take it.
I hate the woman for what she has done to me. I want to turn my hate into something positive but tonight I am struggling. I feel so full of anger I am shaking. I did nothing to deserve this yet here I am, suffering and I just don’t understand it. And the stupid cow that did this to me has no remorse what so ever. In her mind, you can run over another innocent human being and then just do nothing. Tonight I cannot stop thinking about that and it’s hard. It isn’t helping that me and The Cage are not getting on today. It’s too big and too metal and just frankly annoying the hell out of me. Angry post finished.