Today has been the actual realisation that this whole thing is going to be about baby steps. I’ve known it from the start but today it was made even more evident.
The day started so well. I had a really good night, got plenty of sleep, was comfortable and all was looking well. But now, a mere 12 hours later I am not feeling as positive and I just generally feel hopeless if I’m honest. I am daunted by the days ahead and becoming mobile. In theory it all sounds brilliant but in practice I am going to need to be so strong mentally and I’m scared I will fail. I am scared of letting everyone down.
They took out my epidural this afternoon so after 48 hours of numb legs I was able to feel them again. I was worried that this would also mean pain for caged leg. However this afternoon I was pleasantly surprised to discover that I didn’t have pain, just an incredible ache. The whole leg aches. Have been having my oral meds that I was on last week and all was good.
No epidural meant that I could attempt getting out of the bed and into a chair. I never thought I could get as excited as I was about the possibility of sitting in a chair. It’s just ridiculous. But after 9 days being bed bound very excited I was and attempted we did.
With the help of two nurses and my zimmer frame I was able to get from the bed to the chair. It was the most scariest thing because I know that I can put partial weight on my caged leg, that’s the point of it, but every part of me is telling me not to stand on my broken leg! I lasted less than five minutes in the chair before I turned as white a sheet, was on the verge of being sick and passing out. On the first attempt to actually stand up from the chair I just couldn’t do it. Then I said out loud to myself. ‘Kerry, you have to get out of this chair, you can do it so just do it….’ and out of the chair I got and back into my bed.
The whole episode bought a mixture of feelings. One the one hand I felt so proud of myself for doing it, for even attempting it. Three days after surgery on a broken leg there I was trying to move myself from bed to chair with this huge great metal cage around it.
But on the other hand it made me feel to helpless. I can’t even sit in a damn chair. It is soul destroying having such a simple everyday task becoming your Everest. I don’t think I’ll be home this week, it’s just too difficult. Hopefully early next week.
Since the chair attempt I have been in an increasing amount of pain so I am dosed up with meds and feel totally out of it.
I had friends visit not long after I’d had the drugs so I felt like a zombie and had to be sick. I know they don’t care and it’s not that it’s humiliating, that’s not the right word, it’s just horrible.
It has made me realise just how far I still have to go and at the moment it looks like a long dark tunnel that I can’t get to the end of. It doesn’t help that I am sat here in a huge amount of discomfort and pain. I knew there would be this period of adjusting after the epidural came out, it’s just so incredibly hard. Just as you get over one hurdle there is another one and today was a tough day, physically and mentally.
The boys came again which is always amazing. My heart just warms up when I see them come around the corner. Henry still isn’t sure at all and doesn’t really want to interact with me. Archie is better and will give me a kiss 🙂
I miss my family so much. I feel like my heart has been torn into a million pieces and stamped on. I hate that woman for ripping me away from them.
But tomorrow is a new day. I just have to get through tonight and then it will be tomorrow and one day closer to going home.