So the days sat here in my hospital bed are filled with the hustle and bustle of general hospital life, staff, obs being taken, people coming and going, meal times. The amount of friends and family who have taken the time to come and visit me has been simply amazing. Each and every visit, message, phone call helps. I cannot express how much strength I get from my friends and family. So amazing.
But I find the nights so horrible. It’s like a panic sinks in when I know it’s nearly time for James to go home. (Although they are good here, he stays well past the 8pm curfew!) I panic about not sleeping which just seems stupid in itself, about about waking up in pain, about nightmares. I just hate the nights. They are dark, they are lonely and they are scary.
At the moment I still have the epidural attached but I know that to get home I need to be off of that and back on oral meds. I will suffer some pain and discomfort during that transition whilst we get the doses right. But it will be a different pain than when I was first admitted – then I had bones moving around in these legs. Now it will be pain from them mending and being held together. That’s got to be a positive thing. If it isn’t then I won’t get through it. Everything I do in the hospital from now are steps to get me home, to my family, to my children where I belong. I will do whatever it takes. Meeting with the pain team today to discuss what we need to do now.
My boys have been here a couple of times now but it’s scary for them I think. I’m not jumping up and running around after them and I don’t think that they quite get it. I feel very angry that they are having to go through this, to see their Mummy like this, I hope that the new memories we make when I get home will erase any that they have from here.
Charleigh was on a Guides trip yesterday which she loved. I’m glad that she’s got things to keep her occupied. I think she needs her daily dose of knowing that I’m ok and then she’s ok. She asked me last night if I will be home for this weekend. I wanted so desperately to say yes but I won’t lie to her. I won’t build her hopes up. The truth is I don’t know, no-one does. There is no reason for me not to be other than the practicalities of beds etc at home and then the dreaded pain control. But I won’t rush and make things worse. Patience is not my strong point so maybe that’s why this has happened to me, to teach me that good things come to those that wait?!
A good friend came to see me yesterday and we were talking about all things happening for another reason other than ‘just because’. I think I do believe it.
My Mum met her soul mate and just after 9 years he was taken from her as a result of a horrible ugly disease. But I think it has made her into the wonderfully strong amazing person she is today. That’s how I feel about this. There has to be a reason, and over time we will know what it is.
But at the moment it feels as though it all keeps coming back to pain. I hate the pain. I know that sounds ridiculous, no-one likes pain, but I never knew pain before this accident. I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone. I need to be strong and I can be strong.
On my hospital bed table thing I have two pictures, one of my gorgeous daughter and one of my beautiful boys. Whenever I need some strength I can look at them and know that I need to be strong for them. I am their Mummy and they need me as much as I need them. I have to do this for them.
James and I were discussing ‘the woman’ last night. That is the one thing that my brain just cannot compute and register. How could she just leave me there? Accidents happen, they could happen to anyone at anytime. But to leave me there? If I knew that I had hurt another person then I just couldn’t ignore them like she did. I am struggling a lot with that and I don’t know how to move past it. I don’t want it to eat away at me as I am better than that but at the moment I really don’t think I will ever move past that point. It’s just un-comprehendable to me.