Things are all coming together nicely today but I feel like I’m ending it on a really sour note when really I should be feeling happy.
From last night I’ve had no catheter and have been able to move around via a very attractive bum shuffle from bed to chair/commode and back to bed. I’ve managed to increase the time I can spend in a chair to about an hour. My left leg has to stay elevated so prevent swelling, my cage stays down with my foot on the floor. It doesn’t actually hurt as such but after a while the pins in and around my ankle tug and ache and it just becomes very uncomfortable. It’s really weird having to get used to sitting in a chair. Something you do every day in one shape or form and now suddenly it’s one hurdle of many that I need to get over.
Today is the first day that I haven’t had to have a top up of morphine in between my regular pain killers so that is a really good sign that everything is starting to settle.
I have been having to have diazipan to settle spasms in my legs and I have only needed that once today. So all in all things are looking good on the pain front.
I had the physio again today and I have some exercises that I need to do with my right foot and leg to keep the muscles and ligaments supple. I won’t lie, they hurt, a lot. But I need to do them to be able to build up the strength to enable me to walk with my zimmer frame. I am a few weeks off of it yet and so far I can only put enough weight on the leg to get me from the chair to bed, so literally one small step. I will build it up though. I have a funky wheelchair at home so I won’t be house bound.
Having something traumatic happen to you really makes you take stock and see what you have. I miss the children so much it physically hurts and I feel horrible that because of me (not intentionally I know) both James and I have been pulled away from them out of nowhere. I know that I have been the main priority and the kids have been so well looked after by friends and family but I feel so guilty about it. Now that I am in a better place physically and emotionally I told James that tomorrow and Friday it would be a good idea for him to be home for 3pm so that Charleigh can go home after school and have some Daddy/Daughter time and they can pick the boys up. I think she needs to know that she hasn’t been forgotten about and that whatever else is going on she is still important. How things are affecting her weighs heavily on me.
I don’t think I’ll be home this weekend even though I wanted so desperately to be. The hospital are ready to see the back of me but we just don’t have the equipment at home yet and it’s just not safe. However much I want to be home I refuse to go until I know that I won’t end up back here because of any accidents. OT is going round tomorrow though so it’s all in hand. I am still holding hope that it could all be in place for Friday but I am preparing myself for Monday.
And so onto the sour note …. I have been very frustrated today. I feel as though I’ve had this ball knotted in my stomach. I have wanted to scream and basically just have a tantrum! I have been extremely horrible to be around I’m sure. I am normally a very proactive, busy person and so to suddenly be stuck in this bed relying on other people to do everything isn’t just horrible it’s soul destroying. Unless you have been in this situation I don’t think you can fully understand what it’s like. When I need the toilet I need to tell someone, when I need a wash I need to tell someone, when I need more water I need to tell someone. I know it’s going to be like this for a few weeks yet and I will get used to it, today I just found it hard.
I have been snapping at James all day and I know he’s upset and I hate myself for it. He has been amazing and doesn’t deserve me being so horrible. He’s gone through this every step of the way with me without a second thought and it’s bound to take it’s toll. I worry that he takes it all on and that no-one is there for him. If he’s there for me, who’s there for him?
When I look back at the last nine days I am amazed at how far I’ve come and how I have found an inner strength inside me that I didn’t know I had. It’s hard when you hear everyone telling you how proud they are of you, it’s often hard to see/feel it, but today I think I’ve had a glimpse at what they see.
All of the small steps I am taking day by day are slowly building up to big steps.
And just for you James, my gorgeous amazing husband, I love you