Tears of Happiness

I slept awfully last night. My legs keep going into spasms where the muscles and tendons etc were damaged and are repairing themselves. It’s awfully painful when it happens but I can have diazipan when it does and it takes affect quite quickly.So being woken by the Physio at 8.45am didn’t fill me with joy (does it ever? There seems to be be a common theme appearing here!) She was happy that I had managed to get my splint pushing my foot into an almost perfect 90 degree angle, painful process but moving a little bit at a time has worked brilliantly. Anyhow, she suggested I try and stand with my zimmer. Last time it was a total disaster, I just couldn’t do it physically or mentally. Mentally I couldn’t get my brain to accept that I could put weight through the leg. Physically my leg and foot weren’t strong enough after everything that had happened. But got the zimmer she did and stood I did!!! I was upright, standing, holding onto my zimmer for about a minute before I was light headed and needed to sit back down. I cannot even begin to explain the emotions running through me at that point. Amazement, happiness, pride, astonishment, shock … the list could go on and on. I cried but they were most certainly tears of joy. I was able to see that I am on my way to walking which before today had seemed too far away to even contemplate. This time last week I still had shattered bones and was away on a fantastic cocktail of drugs. Yet here I am today standing! All of these little steps are starting to add up. I immediately called James to share my excitement! I was greeted with the sound of two little boys causing mayhem in the house and one tired husband after being up since 6am!! He was of course undoubtedly happy and proud. I got to talk to my little men on the phone too. The first time in four days since I’ve heard their voices and it was amazing …….. ‘Hello Mummy’ To hear your children calling for you and not being able to reach them is one of the most difficult thing a parent can go through. Heartbreaking doesn’t even begin to explain it. Of course once the phone call ended there were tears of sadness. Stay strong my babies, every day Mummy is one step closer to coming home to you. I’m not an overly religious person but I do believe in something. I had my children Christened and I wanted to be married in a Church, it was just important to me. I don’t read the bible and I certainly don’t live my life by it. But I find it hard to believe that we are just born, we live and then we die. For me there has to be something more. I found it very difficult to come to terms with my Step-Father’s death last year and I met with our vicar to talk it through and she prayed for me and my family. I took a lot of strength from that and her words. For the first time last night since the accident I prayed. I don’t think that my prayers will just be answered, you make things happen by your own doing and will power. But I felt better having asked whatever is up there to help me maintain my own strength to get through this. I’m not a believer in fate as such, you achieve your own luck in life by the choices and decisions that you make. But at the same time I do believe that things happen for a reason, maybe to give you the chance to re-look at your life and take a different path. For me this accident has made my little family of James and the children all the stronger. I was struggling with being a stay at home Mum and felt as though I was being punished as I would never had chosen that for myself but having twins meant that financially it was the only viable option. But now I am sat here wanting nothing more than to be with them every day all day and cuddle them and kiss them and hear them talk, shout, cry, moan. It’s made me take stock and realise how lucky I am to have what I do and I never want to waste another moment. Bad things happen to good people but good can come out of it, you just have to find it.

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6 thoughts on “Tears of Happiness

  1. Kerry, you are an amazingly strong person & you WILL get through this & come out even stronger than you ever believed you could be. Im so proud to call you a friend (even if we are just online friends) & will always be here if you need a chat. Take care of yourself, one step at a time, listening to your body & not overdoing it, you’ll be back on your feet & stronger than ever!! xxx

  2. Gorgeous writing Kezza and a thoughtful code to live by. Am in awe of how you are coping. Just remember, in the end, it will all be ok. If it’s not ok, it’s not the end.
    Love and hugs,
    Fxxx

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