So my first day back at home after two weeks is coming to a close. It has flown by! Sitting in the front room of your own home is, unsurprisingly, more comfortable and relaxing than a hospital room with four blank walls and a plastic floor.
It has been glorious sunshine and even though I haven’t been able to enjoy it it hasn’t mattered, being surrounded by my beautiful family is all I need right now. Already I feel more at ease with my legs and being unable to walk. I don’t feel any panic in sight and my heart isn’t trying to escape out of my chest any more. I can breathe easy.
As always though the nights are still my thorn. Sleep doesn’t come easily to me. Trying to get comfortable is somewhat of a challenge with Nicholas (the ‘cage’) on one leg and the other moving around in a cast that is now too big. The cast on my left leg is only a temporary half cast after the surgery to allow time for the swelling to go down. It’s now too big meaning my leg moves and it’s rubbing on the right side of my ankle. I think this is where they must have opened the leg to pin my ankle. I am back on Monday to have a new fibre glass cast put on so hope that things will be a little easier then.
It sounds bizarre to me to be talking about things being easier! I have two broken legs, nothing about this is easy. But all we can do is make life as comfortable as possible.
It’s been peculiar today sat here on my bed in the living room. It’s going to take a lot of getting used to, not just being able to get up and nip into another room. Once I tried to get out and then suddenly remembered that I can’t. It shocked me when this happened as how can I possibly forget?? Wishful thinking maybe that as my son is crying just feet away after tripping over my zimmer frame I cannot go and comfort him. And nor does he want to come to me instead preferring the arms of my Mum. I don’t blame either of course as we, Henry and I, are both lucky to have my Mum here.
No matter how old I am, no matter what happens I always want my Mum. And without fail or hesitation she is there for me every time. I think that at the moment only she has the slightest recognition of the feelings I am facing. She broke her leg many years ago before there was the wonder that is the Ilizarov Fixator (my Nicholas) and was in traction for weeks in hospital. She had to say goodbye me to more than I have had to to my children so that is a blessing.
So as the moon appears and we draw our curtains on the day, My thoughts turn to the night ahead. I pray only that the nightmares stay away, for just tonight at least. As bitter as it sounds, and I hope I don’t always feel this way, but I hope that that woman is feeling some heartache over what she has done and I hope that her calm is disrupted by the damage that she has caused. I am not ready to forgive as I certainly cannot forget.