Firstly apologies to my Facebook friends, the novice that I am didn’t realise that my entires were automatically posted on there and I was posting them too! We live and learn ……..
Today has been a day mixed with feelings of great achievement and also of grief.
To get from bed to chair/commode to bed etc I have been bum shuffling from one to the other. Every day since Thursday I have been practising standing up on my zimmer frame. Today I finally managed to take a step!!! Well three actually but hey! I was sat on my chair wanting to get back into bed and using my zimmer I stood and, with James’ help, was able to turn the frame a little at a time and move my right leg whilst using my arms to take the weight of my body on the frame. Eventually after what seemed like a life time I was able to sit on the bed and bum shuffle back into place.
It was such a feeling that I don’t quite know to describe it. It felt exhilarating to know that I could do it. Despite everyone saying that it would come in time I don’t think I actually believed it until I did it. I can now see ahead and see that given time, practice and perseverance I will be able to walk with Nicholas. It won’t be easy and it will be painful, physically and emotionally, getting there but I will do it.
Another stroke of luck is that the Red Cross phoned and we were able to swap the wheel chair for a thinner one. This means that it now fits through all of our door ways without James having to do any DIY on the door frames. (cue sigh of relief!)
So into the chair I got and made my way around my house and into the conservatory for the first time in over two weeks. On the way I joked about the state of the kitchen and the play room. This was half tongue in cheek due to my ‘Monica’ tidy tendencies but also to try and cover up my nervousness. It was scary if I am totally honest. A bit similar to when I first came home. I knew what I was going to see but I’m looking at it all from a totally set of eyes. What can I get to, what can do I do, where do I fit? I don’t feel as though I fit in my home anymore. I feel like an outsider looking in and intruding on someone else’ life.
But sat in my sun filled conservatory I was able to see my two naked little boys running round in the sun, slashing in the pool, laughing and being the happy little guys that I know them to be. That has by far been the highlight of my day.
Sitting in my bed and hearing my family all around the house and the garden having fun and laughing is very difficult. To not just be able to go and join is sheer torture. To hear the laughter but not know what is causing it, to hear the chatter but not sure of the words. I don’t think I will get used to it and nor do I think I should have to. No mother should have to listen to her children having fun and not be able to join in.
So despite the huge step forward, literally, today, I feel as though it has been over shadowed by the frustration and anger that I am feeling today. And that I itself annoys me because I don’t want to be negative. Vicious circle. But quite simply I don’t deserve this and I am spitefully bitter about it today. I think that that woman should be made to face what she has done.
Charleigh has been amazing as always. My little ‘Nurse Charleigh’ can’t do enough for me. During a weepy moment earlier she suddenly appeared with her mobile phone and she started to play songs that she and I normally sing at the top of our voices and dance too. Before long I was smiling and laughing and enjoying a moment with my daughter that I don’t think I will ever forget.
The boys are still very confused. They still won’t cuddle me, they won’t come onto the bed (although they will now come up to the edge so I guess they are getting better). When I was sat in the conservatory, Henry didn’t understand why I couldn’t go out into the garden and play. We have two large steps leading down. Quite impossible at the moment. That was heart breaking and I had to go as I couldn’t stand it. I cried for the majority of the afternoon.
At bed time they ask for me but I cannot go up to them. I cannot tuck them in. I cannot see them snuggle and get ready for their Sweet dreams.
This is where the comes. I really do feel as though I am grieving for the things that I used to do without thinking. You don’t realise how much you really take for granted when you are totally able bodied.
Tonight there will be tears, they are here already, but if I shed them tonight along with today’s anger, they can be gone for tomorrow, a new day and one closer to recovery.