Last night was one of the hardest. I couldn’t sleep at all, impossible to get comfortable no matter what I tried. I spent most of the time in tears feeling so angry and bitter. I can’t blame nightmares as sleep didn’t come for me to have any. Subsequently this morning I totally broke down and was as close to a full blown panic attack without actually having one, and all at the worst possible time. James was trying to get three children fed, washed and dressed and all I could do was sit on my bed and cry and wail. I called my wonderful Mummy No2 (aka Mother in Law) who came over earlier than planned to help with the madness. It’s horrible after being such independent and together person so suddenly be able to fall apart so easily and have to ask for help. That is one of the hardest things. But we got through it and I was thankful for my hospital appointment today. It meant that I had to get dressed and leave the house and focus on something else. It was the best medicine.
The drive to the hospital made me feel quite emotional. Last time I made that journey was in an ambulance, in horrific pain and extremely scared. We went up to the ward to collect a letter and It still felt like my safe place. It was good to see the nurses who had looked after me so well. In a really peculiar way I will miss them. Is that strange? They played such a big part in a event that I won’t forget ever, I feel as though somehow there will always a little bit of their love and kindness in me.
So now I am sporting a funky purple removable cast on my left leg. I was finally able to see the wounds, I have a small scar on the right, approx 2 inches, and a larger one on the left about double the size. My surgeon is very happy with how I am progressing and was surprised that I could move my right foot independently. It’s undoubtedly gives me strength to hear that. I am, despite my own annoying self doubt moving forward.
I also met someone at the hospital who had similar injuries to me but on opposite legs and his fixator had been removed. It felt good to see someone that much further on and see them genuinely happy and recovered.
This is just a bad episode, I will get better.
Over the last few days I have received some amazing comments and words of advice and wisdom from friends and family. But also from people who have never met me and who only know of me because of this blog or through mutual friends on Facebook. Some of their words have truly touched my heart and given me a new found determination. If they can have faith in me and believe that I can do this then surely I can. It’s not that my family haven’t been amazing and supportive, of course they have. But with family it’s what you do naturally, support your own. I can’t let them down I won’t, I have to do this.
But I have made a decision that to move on I need to let go of the anger and bitterness that is currently eating me up inside and slowly tearing me apart. I know it’s still early days, the accident was less than three weeks ago, but I need to start to face what’s happened and really move on, for my sake as well as everyone else. I don’t want my children to see me how I was this morning again.
Tomorrow James, my Mum and I are going to go to the scene of the accident. I keep seeing it in my head and a wave of panic comes over me, my heart beats too fast and I feel that sense of dread. But the sooner I face it, with the people who keep me strong, then I really do believe I will be able to see past the horror of what has happened and look to future.
James is going to sleep downstairs with me tonight. He is my rock, if anyone can keep the bad away it’s him.