Sat here this morning I was waiting for my Mum to get my bowl of warm water, toiletries and such so that I could wash and get dressed. I am lucky in that I can do it all myself, right down to stretching my big cotton bloomers over Nicholas!!
It reminded me of my Carer days. I was a Carer was a short while looking after the elderly in their homes. I had to help them wash etc on a daily basis and some of them were quite angry and resented you being there. Only now am I getting an insight as to what their lives were like. Unlike me, they weren’t going to get better, this was their life and for them it was often humiliating to have a twenty-something help them wash and dress. I can see the funny side of yelling at Mum, ‘flannel please’ … ‘you forgot the toothpaste’. But if this was forever, I can see how it would be a bitter pill to swallow.
Today was the day that I decided to face the scene of the accident for the first time.
We had other things to do as well and on the way in the car I actually forgot that we were going there first. When realisation hit that it was where we were headed I inevitably started to feel anxious. Coming round the corner to where it happened the tears came. We parked and walked (wheeled in my case) to where it actually happened and I relived it. I cried as I remembered different aspects of it, the pain, the fear, the total lack of any human compassion from her, the amazing kindness of strangers and I cried for what has been lost. We talked about how pointless and avoidable the whole accident was. Actually seeing the road again and the point of impact made it really hit home how in the wrong she was. I am even more clear in my mind what I did that day and how I didn’t stand a chance. But wherever blame does or does not lie, I didn’t deserve to be left there, in pain and unable to move.
However, as I cried I told myself that I was crying away the bitterness and the anger. I wont ever forget but it wont rule my life. I’m not sure I am ready to forgive but today was about facing what has happened, after all no-one can change the past but most of all it was about moving forward and forward I went.
I went for a lovely lunch with my Mum and James and then onto my first Physio appointment.
We went through the rigmarole of what had happened, what I could and couldn’t do, what exercises I was already doing. Everything was looking positive as the movement in my ankles is good and with regular exercises things can only get better.
Then came the moment that I surprised even myself.
I explained that so far all I had managed to do was stand with the zimmer and perform an awkward three shuffle move with James’ help.
We made our way over to the long white fixed Physio bars. I stood ….. I walked ….. from one end
to the other! Full weight through my right leg, no weight on the left and no pain! I am so proud of myself. I actually did it! The bars are very different from the zimmer but the psychological element of ‘you can’t walk on your broken leg’ vanished. It has been replaced with ‘you CAN do this! Have faith’
Maybe some of my little prayers have been answered.
Over the next two weeks I have to practice getting my balance right standing up with zimmer and getting my weight forward and then progressing to being able to take small steps with it.
All of those little steps have turned into a giant leap and it feels brilliant.
For the first time since May 12th I feel honestly happy and inside it feels like I have found a small piece of the ‘old’ Kerry again.
I am not one to give up and if I want something I work to get it.
I want to walk and walk I will.