Emotions are such funny things at time. Just as you think you’ve got a grip, wham, your stomach is is knots, your heart is thumping and yet again you are crying. But I have been told by a wise man that crying cleanses the soul, so I let them flow.
I fell asleep last night, about 10pm, of my own accord, rather than a drug fuelled stupor. But sadly the sleep was not to last. The nightmare was a different one, not of the accident or the horrors of afterwards. This time it was a result of frustration. My children were outside in the car crying and they couldn’t get out. I could see them through the window but I couldn’t get to them. After waking up in a cold sweat I called for James to get me a sleeping tablet unaware that my dear Mum was asleep on the sofa so I wasn’t alone. I had been quite frustrated in the evening, unable to get comfortable so she didn’t want me to be alone. Luckily the drugs did their job and soon I was consumed by dreamless sleep until the early hours.
I do worry about the medication and the threat of becoming addicted. It won’t be forever I know and I do tell myself that it’s only three weeks since the accident so I should go a bit easier on myself. I just want it over so badly. It makes me feel awful as I know there are so many in much worse situations than the one I find myself in, but I can’t help myself wanting my legs back to normal and I want to walk. All in good time Kerry, all in good time I know. But time seems so slow when you can feel every second tick by.
This morning I was very upset and cried to James. To say there was no reason for it isn’t the truth as I sit here with two broken legs, but there was no new reason. I just need to ride the waves as they come and know that eventually I will once again be sailing on the smooth.
Anything to take my mind off of my predicament I welcome. Friends visiting is the best cure for a teary morning. The normality of talking about the trials and tribulations of every day life is lovely.
Tomorrow is a mere three weeks since the accident. Even though I still have a huge mountain to climb I can look back and see how far I come, not just physically but as a person, I am learning so much about myself and I am proud.
I don’t think I will be the same after this but I don’t see it as a bad thing. I will continue to be a good wife and Mum (and hopefully a friend to those that have been invaluable to me) but I will be wiser and stronger.
I am trying so hard to be upbeat and not depressing everyone around me with self pity, I don’t want to be constantly moaning as there are still so many good things in my life that I have to happy and excited about.
My little boys came home from nursery sporting rather lovely ‘Queen’s heads’ that they had made with paper plates, stickers, hair and colouring pens (those on my FB would have seen the works or art!) I can see my daughter growing into a delightful young lady and it warms my heart to see her soaking in the world with such maturity.
So the Jubilee weekend lays before us and I fully intend to celebrate with amazing friends and my beautiful family!