Sleep & Frustration

Emotions are such funny things at time. Just as you think you’ve got a grip, wham, your stomach is is knots, your heart is thumping and yet again you are crying. But I have been told by a wise man that crying cleanses the soul, so I let them flow.

I fell asleep last night, about 10pm, of my own accord, rather than a drug fuelled stupor. But sadly the sleep was not to last. The nightmare was a different one, not of the accident or the horrors of afterwards. This time it was a result of frustration. My children were outside in the car crying and they couldn’t get out. I could see them through the window but I couldn’t get to them. After waking up in a cold sweat I called for James to get me a sleeping tablet unaware that my dear Mum was asleep on the sofa so I wasn’t alone. I had been quite frustrated in the evening, unable to get comfortable so she didn’t want me to be alone. Luckily the drugs did their job and soon I was consumed by dreamless sleep until the early hours.

I do worry about the medication and the threat of becoming addicted. It won’t be forever I know and I do tell myself that it’s only three weeks since the accident so I should go a bit easier on myself. I just want it over so badly. It makes me feel awful as I know there are so many in much worse situations than the one I find myself in, but I can’t help myself wanting my legs back to normal and I want to walk. All in good time Kerry, all in good time I know. But time seems so slow when you can feel every second tick by.

This morning I was very upset and cried to James. To say there was no reason for it isn’t the truth as I sit here with two broken legs, but there was no new reason. I just need to ride the waves as they come and know that eventually I will once again be sailing on the smooth.
Anything to take my mind off of my predicament I welcome. Friends visiting is the best cure for a teary morning. The normality of talking about the trials and tribulations of every day life is lovely.

Tomorrow is a mere three weeks since the accident. Even though I still have a huge mountain to climb I can look back and see how far I come, not just physically but as a person, I am learning so much about myself and I am proud.

I don’t think I will be the same after this but I don’t see it as a bad thing. I will continue to be a good wife and Mum (and hopefully a friend to those that have been invaluable to me) but I will be wiser and stronger.

I am trying so hard to be upbeat and not depressing everyone around me with self pity, I don’t want to be constantly moaning as there are still so many good things in my life that I have to happy and excited about.
My little boys came home from nursery sporting rather lovely ‘Queen’s heads’ that they had made with paper plates, stickers, hair and colouring pens (those on my FB would have seen the works or art!) I can see my daughter growing into a delightful young lady and it warms my heart to see her soaking in the world with such maturity.

So the Jubilee weekend lays before us and I fully intend to celebrate with amazing friends and my beautiful family!


2 thoughts on “Sleep & Frustration

  1. Hey girl another beautifully written piece. As for self pity, again you are are in mourning. There is no time limit on your emotions. Enjoy the highs as you have had many, and when the nightmares attack, wake yourself up and tell them where to go, they are not real, what is real is that three weeks ago a nutter stole your ability to walk, to do normal every day things that we all take for granted without a thought. You at this very moment in time are acutely aware that you cannot do those things that you too used to do without a thought, but you are getting there, closer and closer with each passing day, stronger and stronger in every way. So what that you have down times, James understands, his love for you unmeasureable. He adored you. So when you are low, let him and your mum, family and friends carry you. That is their purpose for this time and for this season, because that is what life is, a season. Right now you have been in winter, but spring is coming and soon summer will arrive and your heart will be filled with joy yet again. Your doing great, up or down your still amazing, as for addiction, No you are stronger than that. The medication is but a tool for you to use to complete a job and when that time arrives and it will, you will no longer require them. The job will be complete, you will have run the race and won. Chin up girl, your amazing.

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