Miserable Morning

Growing up I wasn’t like my friends, I never knew what I wanted to become, a teacher, a lawyer … the world was my oyster but I didn’t have a clue. I bumbled through school with no idea of what I would do when I suddenly had a choice and subsequently didn’t really do anything constructive. I went from job to job, shop worker, office manager, care assistant, learning support assistant. Somewhere in the middle I had my gorgeous Charleigh and she changed my life and suddenly gave me purpose. Whatever I did I did for her. Then I met James, married, we had our gorgeous boys and it was then that I found myself as a stay at home mum and housewife. Something that I never thought I would become or ever enjoy but nevertheless I threw myself in head first and instead of drowning I found myself swimming. My children and my home were something that I was actually good at. Yes there were bad days when I wanted to pull my hair out, but I could look at my children and my home and feel proud. That was what I was good at, where I shone.

Today I am just so angry that the one thing I was actually good at is a total impossibility now. I cant look after my house and I can’t parent my children. I know that it sounds really stupid being frustrated at not being able to clean and tidy or change a nappy or be able to deal with a two year old having a meltdown, but when it is ripped away from you it is torture. Especially when it’s still right in front you, an arms length away yet is actually a million moons away.

I’m not going to cry or shout as it won’t fix anything. My legs will still be broken and I will still be stuck on this bed watching life just rolling past not being able to actually do anything. Instead all I can do is sit here and wait for someone to bring me my toothbrush, wait for someone to bring me painkillers when I need them, wait for someone to bring me clothes to get dressed. Waiting is all i seem to be able to do. Why does it have to be so god damn hard though? My house doesn’t feel like mine anymore, I feel like a stranger.

Sorry for the miserable post, guess I’m just having a bad morning.
The smiles will return tomorrow I’m sure.

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2 thoughts on “Miserable Morning

  1. Kerry, you are allowed to feel this way, you’ve gone through something that most of us could never imagine happening. You are allowed to be angry at whats been done. BUT things will get easier, your legs will heal & you will be back, stronger than you ever was before. xxx

  2. Hey girl, time to respond….. It is but forbade short time that those sexy gorgeous legs are running around again. Right now, this time Charleigh will be able to understand and cope. You will see, when this is over and them legs are carrying you around, you will make quality time to spend alone just the two of you girls, doing lunch, seeing a film, girl time shopping. Then lest we forget the twins….please double trouble and the terrible two,s lol…. Let’s change the negative to a positive….you enjoy the break, Scuse the pun, not funny right now I know…ok maybe a bit funny….is that a smile, a chuckle….ok so another positive is many many husbands never appreciate just how much hard work it goes into looking after a house, pay bills, food shopping, cooking, cleaning, playing, entertaining the young ones and the older ones lol. So your value and worth is so much more than what you would get paid in the real world……..please remember this for those beautiful children, a kiss from mummy, a hug from mummy, to be told I love you is more than just words. It is the comfort and the back bone of the memories that make them stronger and stable and secure and in that, it makes you the amazing person you are. Let James and family carry this burden for this season. You are nearly there. Be proud. You have a lot to be proud of, and when you feel low, that’s ok. Remember you are mourning, it will take time, but your nearly there……love and huge huge hugs……x x x

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