And So It Goes On …… Me & The Converse

I’m afraid of sounding like a broken record, however the whole point of this blog was to help me and to be a place for me to ‘get it all out’. So continue to ramble I shall ……….

After admitting the fact that I wasn’t alright and feeling as though I am not coping, I let the flood gates open and I cried all of the tears I have been holding back. My fear came true, once I started I couldn’t stop. I cried, I screamed, I moaned ……. totally out of control.
Do I feel better? Honestly? No, not really, but I suppose they are better out than in.
After a day and night of crying I just feel exhausted.
At one point this morning the crying turned to panic as I struggled to catch my breath resulting in a panic attack. I became a shaking hysterical mess with James shouting at me to control my breathing and calm down. I honestly don’t know how he is putting up with me.

I had to get a grip though as I needed to face the big wide world for a Physio session. The movement in my ankles continues to be good and I am successfully transferring from sitting to standing (with the zimmer) well. I managed six steps before I had to give in to the pain. It still feels amazing to be upright and moving! At my last session my goal was just that, to be able to get myself up and moving without help. I reached that goal with flying colours. My new goal, in which I have three weeks to accomplish, is to be able to walk, still with my zimmer, to one end of the room and back, without assistance. In my world, outside of the Physio room, it means that in theory I will be able to take myself to my downstairs toilet (and regain a little of my dignity in the process). It’s a challenge that I accept.

And tonight, I finally managed to get my foot into my Converse! The swelling has finally gone down so I can be rid of spectacularly ugly black shoe.

All of todays events I know are positive, they show that I am making progress. I fully understand that. So why do they not make me feel any happier? I don’t feel positive.
I don’t want to be trying to walk, I just want to be ale to walk.
I don’t want to have to try and sleep, I just want to be able to curl up, forget about my worries and sleep soundly.
I don’t want to have this urge to cry all of the time bubbling away inside of me.

I can’t break down in front my children, I refuse.
I can’t cry in front of my friends, I’m just not that person.

I hate this, I really really hate it. The frame is working a miracle on my bones and for that I am grateful. However, I can’t help but ask, at what price? My bones might be fixing but I feel like I’m breaking.


One thought on “And So It Goes On …… Me & The Converse

  1. My gorgeous wife cry out all the hurt, pain, frustration and suffering that you are going through. There will become a point when there are no more tears. It is tough but you will get past this and I will be with you every step of the way. I wouldn’t want it any other way.

    I’m not putting up with you, you can knock that crap on the head. I’m glad I can be there for you during your darkest moments whether it’s to shout at you, to be a shoulder for you to cry on, to take you out so that you are not just house bound or to get you out of bed when you really do not feel like it. I’m your husband and I know that together we are far stronger and we can conquer anything, especially this period in our lives.

    You are my everything and without you I am nothing.

    All my love forever and ever xx xx xx xx xx xx xx

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