Six weeks ago today my world was turned upside down in seconds. It seems like yesterday but it also seems like a lifetime ago.
This time six weeks ago I was in A&E in pain and scared.
Today that has been replaced with excitement as after weeks of tears, frustration and anger I am finally able to walk to the toilet by myself!
And my wonderful children are back to the happy, carefree little people that I know them to be. Cuddles from my babies make everything else seem so insignificant. I love them, all three of them with all my heart.
Those small steps ………..
I am growing in confidence every day and with each new step I take I can feel myself getting stronger. Having been bed bound for what seems like forever, to be able to stand up and move around freely is so exciting! The pain in the right leg has eased a lot due to being able to use my left leg a little. I am now able to see how many people find it possible to walk with an Ilizarov frame without the need of zimmers or crutches. Obviously I am not there yet but one day I will be.
Finally I am beginning to see a small glimmer of light the end of this dark and long tunnel. And that light can only get bigger and brighter until eventually I will emerge into the sun taller and stronger than before.
Determined to do everything I can to heal as best as I can, I am taking all manner of herbs and vitamins. My mornings now begin with a green smoothie which contains foods such as lettuce and watercress! So far though I have been pleasantly surprised and they been have rather nice.
Healing bones is no easy task either ….. It’s exhausting! Some may think it’s lethargy from just sitting around, but I am going to tell you that you are very wrong. I feel physically exhausted most of the time. Sleeping at night is still hit and miss so that won’t be helping I know, but there are days where I could happily sleep all day. It can often feel as though every bone, broken and whole, in my body aches. I can sit here and feel as though I am not really here but watching myself and everything else going on around me from somewhere else.
Despite the new found freedom I still find life frustrating. Unless you have been in the situation where you depend on other people for everything you cannot begin to understand the feelings that it brings.
I cannot eat unless someone brings me the food. I cannot get dressed until someone brings me my clothes. I have to ask for anything and everything that I need or want. It is completely soul destroying. I cannot do anything for myself and that brings a deep sadness and frustration and I have a constant knot in my stomach. I know that people think it’s impatience but they couldn’t be more wrong. People around me find it amusing when I go off on a tangent asking for this to be moved, for that to go in the bin, the toys tided away, but it kills me to not be able to do something, anything. And it’s not the ‘Monica’ in me at all, it’s the sheer lack of ability. I’m not even sure I am able to get across in words entirely how it makes me feel. I wouldn’t wish this situation on anyone.
I keep telling myself that it won’t be forever and yes, there are people out there a lot worse off, but this is my reality and I’m not afraid or ashamed to admit that I am finding it hard to adjust, even if it is for a relatively small period of my life.
And whilst I’m moaning, I really hate being pushed around in a wheel chair. It’s not embarrassment or being worried what people will think – it bloody hurts my legs bouncing up and down the pavements and it can be quite scary! You see things from a very different perspective and you are aware of your damaged legs and put together it can make for a nerve wrecking experience. I won’t sad to say goodbye to my wheels.
I haven’t been upstairs for six weeks now in the house. I love our home, I have enjoyed making it warm, tidy and the loving place it is for our children. But over the last weeks I’ve had to sit back and watch it change around me and there has been nothing I could do about . I just feel totally heart broken.
I really, really miss tucking my children in at night, to watch them just for those few seconds totally at peace. Kissing them goodnight and whispering I love you’s.
So have I changed in six weeks? Can I see how far I have come?
Of course I can and I am extremely proud of the person that I am and of what I have achieved.
But at the same time, however sure I am that my future is a bright and wonderful one, I can still see the cracks that have been created. I am sure that they will heal in time and I’m trying not to let the sadness swallow me up, I just hope it doesn’t take a part of me forever.