The Bad Turns Good

The stairs are continuing to be successful. I had a wonderful sleep last night, without medication which I am so pleased about. Being in my own bed has helped immensely I think, just being in the ‘normal’ place for sleeping brings about a natural calmness. It was a relatively peaceful night too.

Unfortunately my peaceful night didn’t extend into today. I have been extremely fractious and unable to get into any comfortable position. I have wanted to attack James’ tool box and use his pliers to rip the hunk of metal off of my leg. It feels as though it is suffocating me. A few weeks ago these feelings would have undoubtedly turned into a panic attack, a manic frenzy to gain control. Yet today I was able to take control. I didn’t fall apart.

When I feel like this I get really angry and it makes me helplessly bring mack memories into my mind that I would rather forget. I want to go to her house and yell and scream at her. She should be the one to feel my wrath, not my family. She should be the one to hear of the fear I felt when she left me there, hurt, scared and alone. She should be the one to see my anger and upset now, hear of my sleepless nights, of the tears of frustration.
However that will not happen. I have to have faith in the powers that be that karma, and the legal system, will do what it needs to do.
In the mean time I will continue to lean on those holding me up.

But, despite today’s multitude of mental and physical frustrations I am still able to embrace a positive.
Today was the boys last day in their room at nursery, as of next week they move up to the 2-3 year olds. My little men are growing up so fast. So, I wanted to go with James to pick them up to thank their key worker and give a small gift. I managed to walk, with zimmerman, from the car, into nursery and back again. I am unsure of the exact distance but it is by far the furthest I have walked like this. The boys’ little faces just lit up when I walked into their room, oh god my heart melted and I fell in love with them all over again!

Now my Mum is back for the weekend, James is making pizza, I have a cold glass of Pinot Grigio and I am going to look forward to another peaceful night in my own bed.

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2 thoughts on “The Bad Turns Good

  1. I can’t imagine the frustration and the overwhelming feelings that explode … the bones are pushing out the cracks and mending :o) this means no space for anger, hurt, fear it is good to know that sometimes you will feel it as it is released and it’s a great sign xxx
    And wow, what a great memory for your boys xxx

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