Panic, Fear & Tears

Today has been a dark day. Even though I tried my hardest to stay positive yesterday and fight the dread seeping in I just wasn’t strong enough.

Sleep was restless for me last night and the agitation from yesterday was ever increased. I had no desire to leave my bed and I certainly didn’t want to get dressed or face the world. I have never been more grateful for the children not being around this weekend as I hate them seeing me lose control and could feel that today was not going to be pretty.
James insisted that I should come downstairs and at least sit in the garden as the sun was shining and I need the Vitamin D! Begrudgingly I made my way down, knowing that he was right, however the closer to the bottom I was, the heavier my heart felt. Once outside not even the wonderful sunshine could brighten my feelings. I sat and cried tears of sheer frustration. I know I have come such a long way in six weeks, so why doesn’t that knowledge bring with it some peace of mind about the rest of this journey? Instead, I cannot help but feel each second of each day tick by painfully slowly. I feel so scared about how I am supposed to get through the remaining ten weeks. I am trying to just deal with one day at a time and not look that far ahead, but even still, on days like today I struggle with the thought of even the next few hours. I just want it to be over so desperately. This cage feels like a method of torture for something that I wasn’t able to avoid, even though I know it is actually working a miracle on my bones.

So no, today has not been good. I have not been able to get comfortable anywhere, anyhow, I have cried too many tears.
But as always my James has been there at my side as strong as ever. Calming me to keep the rising panic at bay, saying all of the right things at the right time, cuddles aplenty.
I try not to give in to the panic as it’s so hard to come back from when it has it’s claws sunk in deep.

James and I were supposed to be going out for dinner tonight but I just cannot bring myself to do it. The thought of having to leave the house and be surrounded by people terrifies me today. I need the protection of these walls, separating me from the world, and to feel safe despite the dread that is running through my body tonight.

Tonight I would happily sacrifice the sleep to just feel comfortable and at peace, maybe then tomorrow things will seem brighter. I hope so.


3 thoughts on “Panic, Fear & Tears

  1. Come on Kerry your doing so well and you should be so proud of yourself, give yourself a break. Have you tried some rescue remedy?? I wish I wasnt reading a blog about what you are going through and that it hadnt happened. think how strong your family will be after all this. ….. In the meantime can I suggest you read fifty shades of grey have a glass of wine or watch a trashy girly film and over indulge on choccy and enjoy some sofa cuddling time with what sounds like an amazing hubby! xxxxx

  2. Hey girl. Remember the big hairy monster with those big arms? They are surrounding you right now, feel the hug, feel the peace. That perfect peace. In your head, have a chat, say a prayer, tell the fear, it has no control of you, that you are stronger, which you know you are. Tell it where to go……….let the tears flow. I remember, I met a great Christian man once named Jerry. A real man of faith. When ever you met him, and said Hi Jerry how are things? He would always give you this big smile and say God is good. Day after day, week after week, month after month. I sat one of his mates down one day and said he is not being real. No matter how much faith you have, there are always good and bad days. Three months later Jerry had a massive heart attack. He survived, but the moral is do not pretend everything is ok when it isn’t. Your having a bad moment roll, with it, let it all out. No it does not feel good right now, but you know its coming to a end sometime. Maybe not now but soon. Mwah x x x

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