Feeling A Little Lost

Some days it feels as though I can actually feel the world spinning. My head is whirling at a million miles per hour and I cannot make sense of anything. I wish that I could run away and be completely alone and forget all about everything. To not have to be reliant for just one day.
The sight of my crutches is burning a hole of anger in me, I hate the pain of walking without them.
And at the moment the pain is bad. The tightening of the cage brings such a sickening sensation of moving bones that any hope I have of trying forget the situation I am in is impossible, and believe me, I try and forget as much as I can.
Each time it’s tightened its as though another piece of my small ability to cope is crushed.
Right now every time I move my leg it hurts, real pain. There is a constant ache in the ankle. The pins driving through the middle of my bones are pinching and pulling. The screws invading my shins are burning and throbbing.
I don’t know how to cope with another five weeks of this. I am falling apart at the seams.
I wish they’d cut my leg off.

I don’t want to talk to anyone. I hate talking about the accident, about her, what she may or may not say or do in court. The same questions are asked but there is never any answers.
I never knew it was possible to feel so lost.
This whole thing has taken over my entire life and I feel out of control.

Something has changed inside of me, I’ve lost some of the fight that I used to have. Things that wouldn’t have bothered me before now fill me with dread. Not just the groups of people that I mentioned in my last blog, but just dealing with things. We have some problems with our car that we bought just before the accident, there needs to be some discussions with the guy we bought it from. The fight would never have bothered me, but now I just can’t face it. I need to call our police officer to ask about a victim impact statement but for some reason I can’t face doing it. When the boys are crying and having a tantrum my insides churn and I can’t deal with it.
I wish that I didn’t have to deal with anything or have to talk to anyone. Then nothing more could go wrong.

Counselling starts in two weeks. Will it fix me? Will I ever be the same person I was before?

Advertisements

Busy Time

We’ve had a busy week for the Hyatt household!

Last Sunday I had a bad day. I didn’t sleep very well the night before which never helps and I was very upset all day. I had a ball of anxiety rumbling in my tummy and with it came a river of tears. They flowed unashamedly all day, not worrying about who saw or who heard the cries.
I don’t know why I have days like this. I do know that on good days I still carry a certain amount of fear with me so perhaps it all builds up and then inevitably erupts when I cannot hold it in any longer.
Whatever the reason may be, I know that it wont last forever, I will get better.

I have been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and I am due to begin counselling in the next few weeks. I knew I wasn’t right so there is relief in the knowledge that how I am feeling and the constant ups and downs are normal and there is help available. There is nervousness about it and having to face my problems but I am also looking forward to finally dealing with all of the emotions rolling around inside and being able to really move on.
Despite becoming more and more mobile I am feeling more anxious about going out. I feel very nervous if we need to go somewhere and the thought of being amongst large groups petrifies me. I can’t work out why, I don’t know what I think is going to happen but I just can’t do it.

We did however take a last minute trip to The Wirral in the week to see James’ Grandad. James’ Mum came with us which helped with my nerves as I knew there would be someone else there (and as it turned out was a huge blessing) Luckily we stay at his Aunt’s house which is located on the beach front, it’s beautiful and we always love it it when we go. The children had a fantastic time playing on the sand and Grandad Henry definitely enjoying seeing them. Children are without a doubt therapeutic.
I found it hard to not be in the middle of the fun, instead I sat on the beach in my chair watching from afar. This is when I get angry and what the accident has taken away from me.
But unfortunately poor Charleigh had an accident which resulted in a dash to A&E. James took her crabbing and she fell from the rocks into the sea and cutting her leg badly on the way down. Karin and I took her as James was soaking wet from rescuing her! She was ever so brave though and luckily it happened at the the end of our trip and she will make a full recovery ­čÖé

Yesterday I had Physio for the first time since having the boot removed. Despite doing so well walking around, O didn’t realise how much I still couldn’t do until I was asked to try. It was a huge reminder that I still have a long way to go! I have lots of exercises to do three times a day to get my ankle working again as it should.
It’s very easy to get so focused on having casts, boots and cages removed that it’s easy to forget that the journey doesn’t end there, in some sense it only just starts.

This weekend we are back at my Mum’s for a family Christening. I love being here, I always feel so much calmer when I’m with her. I’ve said it before but it’s true, no matter how old you are you always want your Mum. And my Mum is amazing.
We are missing a night out tonight to London because I just cannot face it mentally. It really angers me that I cannot just pull myself together enough to just do it. James is so patient with me and my to-ing and fro-ing. As always he is my rock, pulling me up when I am down and holding me when I am up.

Ten Weeks On

Ten weeks doesn’t sound a lot. You wouldn’t think that you could achieve very much in that time. Or maybe you could, I mean how often do any of us really measure an amount of time and judge what we could have done? How often do we set ourself goals and be able to say that we have achieved them? Maybe some of you (assuming anyone is reading this) do do this, but it wasn’t something that I was good at.

But in the last ten weeks I have been to hell and back. I’ve had my legs broken and half fixed, am in the process of now learning to walk properly again and have realised what really is and isn’t important in my life.

My sense of time would normally revolve around school holidays.
How many weeks until half term?
How many weeks until they go back to school?
We are just starting the six week summer holidays. Usually I would enter this phase with a small sense of dread. No more toddler groups to entertain the boys plus an active 10 year old to amuse as well.
But this year I look at the next six weeks as the end of a very difficult journey and the beginning of the next phase. I am unsure how I feel. Excited? Nervous? Sad? Angry?
Probably a little bit of everything.
There is still a bit of me that is definitely angry. Despite the large part of me that is able to look upon this as an amazing opportunity to do something fantastic, there is still a small fire of anger for the fact that I am even having to go through this. But I think that we all need that little fire to keep us focused and strong and able to see the brighter future we can have if only we open our eyes and hearts to the possibility.

I am so proud of what I have achieved, the human body is a remarkable thing. I have come so far but I am under no illusions that the next chapter will be an easy ride.
I still get very frustrated and I am so hard on myself, every time I reach a new goal it is never enough. I want more. I am just so desperately unhappy with this cage stuck on my leg, with its pins and screws invading my bones that nothing is never enough to ease the emotional suffering it brings along side the magic it is working on the breaks.
It hasn’t even been a week yet that I have been able to walk around confidently with my crutches and quite often without them, yet already I hate their presence and feel so upset and despondent when it hurts too much to not use them. I am fed up with my feet swelling up and I hate the involuntary spasms in my legs. Honestly the list could go on!

But carry on I shall for defeat is simply not an option.

Today is the first day in ten weeks that James and I have been apart. I have felt like my right arm has been missing. How did it become that I couldn’t even last a day without my husband? Crazy!
So I sit here in bed, in my old bedroom at my Mum’s house, waiting to hear the key in the door, trying hard not to cry (even though I am not entirely sure why I even want to cry) and think about the next ten weeks and what I want to achieve.

Looking Forward

I have been so happy with the results from Monday and the pictures of my bones starting to heal. It has been a huge confidence boost and I have been up and walking all over the house! I am quite confident now without my crutches although I will still take one with me if I go out anywhere. The stairs are no problem either, I can get up and down without the need to bump down on my bum!
I am finally beginning to feel some sense of achievement and the small light at the end of the long tunnel is starting to shine a little.
The remainder of my journey doesn’t seem as daunting as it has done up until now. I still have some daemons to fight emotionally, however physically I am so much stronger.

A very good friend took me out for a few hours today and some quality girl time was had. It was the first time I have ventured out without the wheelchair, I was slightly nervous and unsure of how much my legs could take, but it was something that I needed to do. (we did have it in the boot just in case!) Being out and about walking instead of being in the wheelchair felt so strange. You adapt to new things remarkably quickly and things soon become a comfort blanket. I felt very vulnerable with only my crutches for support. The world seemed like a much bigger place.
We began by getting our nails done which was fabulous. I feel automatically happier having nice nails! Then the rather excitable Chinese nail man informed us that you aren’t allowed to park on a yellow line so we made a mad dash back to the car to move it. Panic over we had lunch and a good gossip.
I was exhausted by the time I was delivered back home, I am hoping that the walking around and using some energy will help me sleep tonight. I so long for a full, undisturbed nights sleep.

James and I have argued a lot this week which has been sad considering the good news.
There is no fault to be given, we are both to blame. We each carry our frustrations that have inevitably taken its toll. The life we are leading at the moment has been thrown at us and for a while you get swept up in the momentum, it’s only when the storm calms a little that you really get a chance to feel anything.
We are strong though and it will take more than this to break us! James is my rock and I couldn’t have got through this without him, he has been truly amazing.
Everyone is allowed a time to be angry and pissed off, the last few days has been ours.

We are away at my Mum’s this weekend and I really cannot wait. I am in serious need of some Mummy time, she is the best!

Today has been a good day and it ends on a high.
Tonight, for the first time in nine weeks, I was able to walk into the bedrooms of my children, tuck them in and whisper my goodnights. I was able to steal a few precious moments of wonder, watching my gorgeous little people in the land of dreams, peaceful and beautiful.

Well Done Bones!

So today was the day when I was to find out if my bones were healing as they should ……..
This was the first time that I have been nervous about a hospital appointment. But I needn’t have been, all is well!

I am now allowed to walk with full weight on my left leg without the boot. Since having the cast removed and replaced with the boot I have been putting more and more weight through it but walking on it without any support is a huge step to take mentally as well as physically.
When we got home I took the boot off and suddenly my leg felt very vulnerable. I used my crutches and took a few small steps, waiting tentatively for pain or bones crunching, but it didn’t happen, it was amazing! It definitely feels foreign, I can feel the plate inside my leg and my ankle feels very weak, it feels like a strangers leg. However it feels fine to walk on. I’m still walking in a peculiar way, I have to concentrate on each individual step and place my foot with a purpose and remind myself to let my knee and ankle move.
You can never appreciate how many different movements walking involves until you have to think about each one of them.
But each new step is a step closer to recovery.

My right leg, with good old Nicholas, is listening to my silent prayers and we can now see new bone forming. They are healing in the best order so at the moment there are no plans for further surgery. My surgeon is just amazing and I have so much faith in him. He automatically puts you at ease and no matter how trivial my questions may seem to him, he answers them with enthusiasm and encouragement. We are still on course to have it removed after 16 weeks post op, which leaves another eight weeks. I am on the home stretch at last! When the frame is removed the plan is to just let me walk on the leg and not have a cast as I first thought. I will be able to have a splint for some extra support if I want as the leg will be understandably weak. I am so excited!
It is always a very surreal encounter when we see the surgeon. I hate the frame with every breath in me, but when he talks about them, today explaining how they fit it, his enthusiasm is contagious. I feel almost lucky to be experiencing the wonderful, almost magic job that the Ilizarov performs.

The roller coaster of emotions just doesn’t end.

The days leading up to the hospital visit have been a mixture of highs and lows in the Hyatt household. We had a family day out on Saturday to Witney carnival where Charleigh was performing in the parade and the main arena with her dance school. Luckily the weather was kind and the rain stayed away allowing us a wonderful time. There were laughs a plenty and a good day was had by all. My Mum took the children back to her house for the night meaning James and I could have a night to ourselves. Feeling upbeat I grabbed the opportunity and we went out for a lovely meal. Time on our own is something that we seriously lack at the moment. Our life is just so artificial that nothing seems real. Everything feels forced and surreal.

The strain and pressure is taking it’s toll on everyone and unfortunately it is true what they say, you take it out on those closest to you. Despite the good days and the appearance we give of being in control, it feels as though underneath our family is breaking at the seams and it’s tearing my heart apart.
I know I’m not to blame for the accident but I feel so incredibly guilty. My family means everything to me and I hate what this is doing to us. James is working so hard to keep us all together but it’s a different world than that of dealing with customers. I’m his wife who’s job was the house and children and now here he is forced into my role. I am finding it very difficult to deal with and I am having trouble explaining it. I hate arguing with him but I cannot find the right words to tell him how I feel. Instead it bottles up inside and erupts in incomprehensible frustration. Charleigh is suffering too and I think that this has had more of an affect on her than we first thought. I know we are strong enough to get through this but it scares me to think what darkness will be left. I might be the one to carry the physical scars but what scars will my family have to bear?

Despite being surrounded by my amazing family and truly outstanding friends, I have never felt more alone than I do now.

Feeling Claustrophobic

Before the accident I used to have Wednesday’s to myself when the boys were at nursery. I didn’t do anything exciting with my day, I normally caught up on housework, Phoenix things or any other odd jobs that were just easier to do without the boys.

Since the accident I haven’t had more than an hour to myself and it is starting to make me feel very claustrophobic.

Every time I need or want something I have to ask for it. Yes I am getting more mobile but it is still impossible for me to fetch my own food or drink. It’s tricky trying to carry something around whilst needing to use crutches.
I cannot shower or wash my hair without someone’s help (and having to drive to someone’s else’s house first).
If the boys are having a meltdown or need a cuddle I can’t pick them up but at the same time I cannot walk away either. If they chose to have a tantrum next to my chair there isn’t a lot I can do about it. I am totally stuck.
I’m having vitamins and drinks and nutrients given to me numerous times during the day and I know they are for the better, they are helping me, but I just feel totally out of control of everything. What if just for one day I don’t want to pouring things down my throat?
My life doesn’t feel my own anymore. Everyone else seems to know what’s best for me, I feel like I’ve lost the right to say no, I seem to have lost my voice.

I cannot even sleep when I’m tired unless I take a tablet, and that didn’t even work as I lay there awake until 4am. When I did finally fall asleep I was woken by a daughter getting told off for not getting ready to for school. The lack of sleep brings with it a headache that appears to have set in for the day.

I’m feeling suffocated by it all and just want to run away.

So writing this I am sat in bed at almost 1pm. I don’t want to go downstairs so I’m not, I just can’t be bothered if I am honest. I am quite comfortable and happy in bed so why should I go downstairs? Because it’s apparently better for me? Well today I am going to decide what’s best for me and to begin with it’s staying right here watching old episodes of The OC.

Halfway Milestone

As of tomorrow I can finally say that I am halfway through my journey with Nicholas.
Eight weeks since the operation. I guess most people think that the time has flown by, but for me is has been painfully slow. I have heard each second of every day tick by.
This is unless the bones didn’t listen and are healing in the wrong order, in which case the timescale may change. I have a whole list of questions to ask my surgeon when we are back at the JR on Monday, and this time I will ask them instead of getting over excited by the xrays and totally losing all common sense and leaving with more questions than I started with.
This is the first time I have been a little nervous about a hospital visit as this time there are answers that I want to hear instead of just needing any answer.

The halfway milestone has been acknowledged a couple of days early in the form of a letter from the police. The first hearing at court has been set for 8th August.
Seeing the letter and reading in black and white that she is actually going to have to face what she has done bought with it a mix of emotions.
There is definitely a part of me that is excited, not in a bitchy, revengeful way, but as someone who has never had to deal with the law, the whole process is new and I am intrigued to see how it will play out.
I am also undoubtedly nervous about seeing her in person and hearing her talk. I have only ever seen her from afar, when she kindly looked back at me broken in the road, I have never heard her voice and I have no idea how I will react.
Will I be angry, upset, scared?
It makes me nervous not knowing how I am going to feel. Maybe I will feel all of the above.
I am scared about how she will react to me being there. As it is only a hearing there is no legal need for me to be there, but I need to be. There is no way I could sit at home wondering. I have to be there.
On the 8th she will just be making her plea, guilty or not guilty. The charges are failing to stop at an accident, failing to report an accident, and driving with undue care and attention. I am keeping an open mind as to what will happen as the truth is we just don’t know. She will take advice of her solicitor (assuming she actually has one) and whatever happens will happen. Of course I am desperately wanting her to plead guilty as that is what she is.
But I am in no doubt that she views the accident very differently to me.
We will see.
One of my biggest daemons at the moment is the fact that she has no idea how her actions (or lack of them depending on how you look at it) have affected me and my family. I am going to speak to the officer in charge of the case today and ask about the possibility of writing a Victim Impact Statement. Is it written by me to be read out in court explaining how the accident has affected me. I don’t want to do it because I hate her or want to hurt her with my words, I am not vindictive, I don’t want an apology or remorse, it’s gone way past that. I need to do it for my own healing process, I have to know she has heard how I feel.

So, 27 days and counting …….

Stairs? No Problem!

Since yesterday and being up and about more at home it has given me a new found energy.

I have wanted to get up today and move around and just being able to have freedom in my home again is wonderful.
I am probably putting too much weight on my left leg but it doesn’t hurt so I’m not too worried. My ankle on the right leg is a bit sore tonight and throbbing but it’s not unbearable. Again, I’m not worried as a certain amount of pain from Nicholas is expected.

Last night I even managed to WALK up one flight of stairs! With broken legs that is just amazing. I didn’t manage it quite as the Physio taught me but I did it and I am so proud of myself.
I started up on my bum as normal and decided to stand up on the first landing to go and tuck the children in and turn out lights. When faced with the flight of stairs up to our room I decided to give it a go. I have a habit of over-thinking things sometimes so doing something like this on the spare of the moment is a good thing. If I had thought about it too much I would have convinced myself I couldn’t do it.
It was brilliant and has given me real hope and reignited the fire in my belly.

I am back at the hospital on Monday where I hope that I will be allowed to fully weight bare (or is it bear?!) on my left leg and then I will only need one crutch. That is a huge step as it wasn’t so long ago I could barely move with a zimmer frame. Despite drowning in some dark days recently, today I feel like I have finally come up for breath.
Is it my new found freedom? The relief of finally admitting that I need help and am going to get it? Some peaceful nights sleep?
Who knows, but whatever the answer it’s working!

James and I are going out for lunch tomorrow with another totally amazing friend that we are very lucky to have in our lives. She has been there every day since the accident with words of advice and encouragement, an absolute angel.
For the first time in a long time I am actually looking forward to going out.
I wonder if the sun will shine in the sky? It will definitely be shining for me no matter what.

Cleaning, Friends & Ouch!

The day started with tears, has ended with pain but the middle bit was alright!

When I bum shuffled down the first set of stairs this morning I was greeted with two cheeky smiles on the landing. My gorgeous little boys! Henry was eager to show me something very funny in his eyes, him wearing my Ugg boots. However, before I had a chance to tell him to move away from the stairs he was attempting to put them, lost balance and toppled head first down them and all I could do was watch and yell for James. I promptly burst into tears, totally mortified that there was nothing I could do, yet again, to comfort my son. He wasn’t hurt, just shocked, and I think I was more upset than him.

So, after eating breakfast amongst the madness that is our house in the mornings I did what I do to relieve stress …… I cleaned!
I got myself up on my crutches and I cleaned my kitchen sides and sink, emptied and re-filled the dishwasher, swept the kitchen floor and hung some washing up to dry. Boy, it felt so good to be doing just normal things! I never thought I’d see the day when I got actually excited by┬ámenial┬áhousehold jobs!

We have a few plans here and there for this week which I like. However much I hate going out, especially if it means being around people, I know I must do it. I can’t be a hermit and the longer you avoid something the worse it becomes. I hate wishing time away but I really want July to be over with. When we finally reach August I will be able to say that next month, I will be Nicholas free. I don’t care about the cast or boot that I might have afterwards, anything but the cage.

The house has been filled with laughter and fun today. We had an extra toddler running around as we were looking after a friends little boy. It is so uplifting to hear the giggles of small children and see them interact with each other and they are such good friends it was really beautiful watching them play.
The friend in question has been an absolute tower of strength to not only me but James as well. Nothing is ever too much trouble and she is always there with a cuddle and a smile. She is one of life’s good people and I feel very lucky to be able to call her a friend. Love you x

It has taken a while for my boys to become comfortable with me and my legs. Now they quite happily clamber onto my lap, play with the metal rings on my cage, tread on my toes if I’m stood up. It is hard to find the right balance between them being happy and natural with me yet aware that I do still have bad legs (something Archie could do well to remember when he’s launching a fire engine at me for me to save!) I am always very cautious to tell them to back off in case I push them away. But a lesson learnt tonight as Henry was sat on my lap and promptly fell onto my left leg …… ouch!! It was elevated in front of me and luckily I had the boot on but the pain! How I didn’t release a torrent of foul language is beyond me.
Needless to say I am now reaping the benefits of painkillers washed down with a cold beer!

Random Ramble

Well it’s lucky that I haven’t been counting on the weather to cheer me up! It certainly does nothing for my motivation to get up and about when it’s grey and miserable outside. I am really feeling the cold too, I sit under a blanket most of the time because I’m so chilly. Perhaps it’s due to my diminished level of activity. Whatever the reason, it’s not pleasant.

I dragged my bum out of bed today despite an awful nights sleep and straightened my hair and shaved my legs (I live a really exciting life!). I was hoping it would give me a feeling of well being, instead I just got annoyed that my left leg is looking really horrible and there are bits on the right that I cannot get to!
My left leg has lost all of it’s muscle and looks really thin and spindly with a large lump on the left hand side where the metal plate is. I am hoping that once I can start using the leg properly the muscle will come back and it won’t be as obvious as it is now. I find the mental reminder than it’s there hard enough without the cosmetic reminder. The right side of my left ankle that has been pinned looks odd and feels very different too. I suppose I just need to get used to the changes?
My right leg is just awkward because I have to keep it dry because of the risk of infection in the pin sites so I cover it with a bin bag when I shower. To wash and shave it I use a bowl of hot water and it’s vey frustrating. I’m never happy with the results, it never feels clean enough and I cannot shave it enough. Overall it’s not a very satisfying task.

One thing that this whole episode has shown me is how amazing some of my friends are. Despite the fact that some of them are going through so much themselves, they are still there for me. I don’t feel like a particularly good friend in return at the moment, I am so wrapped up in my own personal hell that I don’t feel I have anything to give anyone else. That just sounds so damn selfish though and I hate the sound of myself!

James is off out tonight with friends for some beers. I’d love to go as well, to socialise and just be normal for a night. But I just cannot bare the looks and the questions that all inevitably come when you walk into a room with two broken legs. I am so over talking about the accident, I feel like I have talked it to death, nothing I say ever makes it an easier pill to swallow. Every time I talk about it, I just get angry and upset, and today I feel that way anyway without adding to the cause.
In any case, James deserves some time off from being house husband and wife carer!
My babysitter (aka my mother in law!) is coming over for a girls night in ­čÖé