Some days it feels as though I can actually feel the world spinning. My head is whirling at a million miles per hour and I cannot make sense of anything. I wish that I could run away and be completely alone and forget all about everything. To not have to be reliant for just one day.
The sight of my crutches is burning a hole of anger in me, I hate the pain of walking without them.
And at the moment the pain is bad. The tightening of the cage brings such a sickening sensation of moving bones that any hope I have of trying forget the situation I am in is impossible, and believe me, I try and forget as much as I can.
Each time it’s tightened its as though another piece of my small ability to cope is crushed.
Right now every time I move my leg it hurts, real pain. There is a constant ache in the ankle. The pins driving through the middle of my bones are pinching and pulling. The screws invading my shins are burning and throbbing.
I don’t know how to cope with another five weeks of this. I am falling apart at the seams.
I wish they’d cut my leg off.
I don’t want to talk to anyone. I hate talking about the accident, about her, what she may or may not say or do in court. The same questions are asked but there is never any answers.
I never knew it was possible to feel so lost.
This whole thing has taken over my entire life and I feel out of control.
Something has changed inside of me, I’ve lost some of the fight that I used to have. Things that wouldn’t have bothered me before now fill me with dread. Not just the groups of people that I mentioned in my last blog, but just dealing with things. We have some problems with our car that we bought just before the accident, there needs to be some discussions with the guy we bought it from. The fight would never have bothered me, but now I just can’t face it. I need to call our police officer to ask about a victim impact statement but for some reason I can’t face doing it. When the boys are crying and having a tantrum my insides churn and I can’t deal with it.
I wish that I didn’t have to deal with anything or have to talk to anyone. Then nothing more could go wrong.
Counselling starts in two weeks. Will it fix me? Will I ever be the same person I was before?