So the last few days have been a real struggle.
After feeling upbeat for so long I really thought I was finally coming out of the other side. Then like suddenly it feels like I am being pulled backwards and there is nothing I can do to stop it. Last Friday I just felt totally deflated and empty and the feelings just escalated. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, to see anyone, I didn’t even want to get out of bed. I cried constantly and my heart felt as though it was trying to escape. The knot of anxiety returned to my stomach and I couldn’t see anyway out.
I have been taking sleeping tablets to sleep at night otherwise I sit and watch the sun come up. They were running out so I went to my GP on Tuesday to ask for some more even though I was certain he wouldn’t oblige as he is already worried about dependency. However, after a mini meltdown he agreed to give this emotional train wreck another two weeks worth of a different one along with some literature on self help for insomnia. He also suggested that I might like some counselling to try and come to terms with everything. I have to say I wholeheartedly agree and have made the first steps to get that started. My friends and family are brilliant at listening to me but I don’t think that I am really dealing with the accident and the position that it has left me in.
I am trying my hardest to be strong but I believe it’s coming at a price. I put on a brave face because I don’t want to just sit here and fall apart. But everyday I am dying inside with anger and frustration and it’s eating me up.
I still believe that something good will come out of this journey, my future is bright and exciting, but for the here and now I need some help.
I am not angry at her, I let that go., however I can’t get over the fact that I was actually run over and I have broken bones. Despite being excited when I first saw them, I am finding it increasingly difficult to look at my x-rays now. They fill me with panic. The recovery was always going to be painful and long and I really am trying to deal with just one day at a time but it is becoming more and more difficult as they days appear to be getting longer and harder.
It’s mentally torturing living with an Ilizarov and I wasn’t prepared for that.
I wish that they had cut my leg off – anything but this cage. I hate it that much.
Now I understand that this sounds extreme and ridiculous, this is one of the reasons that I am going to get help as I know that my thoughts are not me, but something inside that needs to be fixed.
I am so exhausted from trying and crying, I need to heal emotionally as well as physically.
Despite my negative emotions, physically I am moving forward in every sense. Since having the cast replaced with the boot I have been moving around with my zimmerman and it’s been great, I have grown fond of it. When the cast was removed from the left I was told I could ‘partial weight bare’ on it. But what is partial? I haven’t been sure and thought I had probably put too much weight on it but I haven’t done anything that has caused me any pain or discomfort. The physio told me that it’s around 40lbs (3 stone) ….. much less than I have been using (according to the scales I am using about double that!) So I need to let off a bit until my next hospital appointment when hopefully I’ll be full weight with the boot.
Today my lovely physio changed the frame for crutches – WOW, it’s a whole new world! The freedom you feel automatically from not having the frame surrounding you is amazing. I can see how I will be even more mobile with them but they are going to take some getting used to. In theory I can use them to get me up and down the stairs, I managed the couple that were in the physio room but with the knowledge that he was behind to catch me! Think I might stick to my bum at home for the time being, build up slowly! I feel like I have totally forgotten how to walk, evidently I no longer bend my knees despite the fact that there is nothing wrong with them. So with every new step I take you can hear me ‘bend the knee’, it’s quite comical really.
It’s been eight weeks this Saturday since my accident. Seven weeks this Friday since the operation. It just madness.
As said by someone wonderful
“To get through the hardest journey we need take only one step at a time, but we must keep on stepping”