This week my right leg has become increasingly sore and with it I have been feeling very poorly and run down. After a sleepless night on Tuesday I noticed that one of my pin sites wasn’t looking very healthy so I called my GP. As they aren’t experts in Fixators he had to call the Trauma Unit who advised that I go to the hospital to have it checked out. Apparently depending on of there is an infection and the severity of it depends on how it is treated. When we got to A&E we noticed that my surgeon was the on call Trauma doctor so we told the triage nurse who, despite asking me what the problem was, didn’t listen to a word I said and totally dismissed us. After a four hour wait to have blood tests and X-rays and then another two hours for the results someone finally decided to tell my surgeon that I was there! He couldn’t understand why they had waited so long to tell him but said that the blood tests and X-rays all looked fine and I just needed a course of antibiotics for the infection. After leaving home at 1pm we got back at almost 10pm.
To say I was exhausted is an understatement. Every bit of me ached and my leg was excruciating after being prodded, pulled and moved from one place to another. It was also extremely swollen after being sat around for so long.
The statistics show that one in ten people with an external Fixator will get an infection. It’s understandable really as you have a constant open wound where each pin enters your leg. I thought I was going to be a lucky one as I have managed 11 weeks without any problems. But alas is was not meant to be.
Having an infection is more painful that the broken bones, it is horrific. And it’s not just the pain in the leg, it affects all you, increased tiredness, sickness. Emotionally it’s torture. I am battling every day and this adds to it. Everything is harder and takes a little bit more from you.
Even as I am sitting here, not moving it hurts. My leg feels like it is on fire, burning me from the inside. It feels so heavy walking is a effort. When I put weight through it the pain spreads and it turns my stomach. At any moment it feels as though my leg will explode.
My antibiotics have been added to the huge list of tablets that I consume daily. What’s another pill to swallow?
Our police officer came to the house today to write my victim impact statement. This is my chance to tell her how this has affected me and it’s something that I think about all the time. But when it came to it I found it really difficult to put it into words. Because of the legal case we can’t talk about the actually collision, just the affect because of it.
I don’t hate her yet I am so angry. I’m so desperately upset and confused as to how she could just leave me there on the floor. How do you put into words to explain to someone that they haven’t just broken your bones but they have broken a bit of you?
We spoke about the affect it’s had on the children and on James. It breaks my heart to explain that the boys look at me in a different way. The whole aspect of our relationship has changed and at the moment I am not able to fix it.
How has it affected James, us? Apart from having to have unpaid leave/sabbatical from work, the stress and pressure of not only being thrown into the role of house husband, full time Dad but also a carer. How do you explain that it’s sole destroying to watch someone take over your life because you simply can’t do it anymore?
Do you talk about the endless hours of hugging and crying? The arguments because I just get so frustrated and cannot express it?
It has bought us closer together but I also think it’s driving a wedge too. The frustration is just building up in me and I can’t explain it to anyone. If I try it would appear that it just comes out wrong and I end up unintenionally offending.
How can you talk when you cannot find the words?
Living life at home being sat in a chair for the majority of the time isn’t as much fun as you may think. It’s strange that for so long I was desperate for close contact with my children but now I feel as though I am coldly rejecting them. The boys want to sit on my lap constantly but I simply cannot take it. Not only does it put pressure on my leg and pull the pin sites but I feel incredibly trapped. How ridiculous does that sound? If I won’t let them sit on me they will stand next to the chair and cry and there is nothing that I can do. I cannot change their focus and sit on the floor and play with them, I cannot stand up and cuddle them. The whole sitation is totally out of my control and I feel totally inadequate. All I can do is add yet another request to my ever growing list and frustrate those around me even more.
I don’t think anyone understands how I feel, this world I find myself in is a difficult and lonely place.
The constant battle to find the balance between resting and doing as much as I can so that I am not such a burden is hard. A burden is how I am feeling more and more.