Last night I sat and watched as James had to struggle to get two little monkeys to bed (them falling asleep for an hour at 5pm on the way home from Mum’s was not a good idea!) and then tidy the house. It was complete agony every time I moved and I tried for so long to keep it together but inevitably I lost the battle and crumbled. James held me tight as I sobbed myself into exhaustion. As I predicted very little sleep was accomplished last night. Too many emotions running through me to relax enough despite being so incredibly tired. The inability to find a position that wasn’t painful.
Some days I am just too tired to fight.
We went to the hospital today to get the offending pins looked at. After looking at them my surgeon went off to look at my xrays and was weighing up the possibility of removing the frame. The bones have healed well but they need some extra support for another couple of weeks. The frame could be replaced with a cast however the frame provides better results in the long run. Instead he made the decision to just remove the pin causing me grief.
Up until now I was adamant that I would have a general anaesthetic to have the frame removed. After today I even more adamant!
Even though I have 12 pin sites, there are only six pins as they go straight into the leg and bone and out the other side. So, to remove a pin the doctor starts off by uncurling both ends of the pin from the metal ring and then loosens the bolts holding it tight and in place. Then using wire cutters he cuts one end so there is less length to pull through the leg. And finally he swiftly pulls the pin out.
I have never experienced anything so horrific and it is not something I am willing to go through again. I am happy to go to sleep and have it gone when I wake up.
When we got home I couldn’t even walk from the car to the house as it was just too sore. I tried to stand which resulted in screaming and tears so James carried me in. Painkillers are now doing their job and another course of antibiotics will kill off anything attacking me inside.
(a huge thank you to Rachel for being one of the best friends I could ask for. We are lucky to have you in our lives, always there to help without a second thought and a hug just when I need it. Love you xx)
Pain is a strange thing. I haven’t had a pain free day since May 12th. Obviously there have been different degrees but it has always been there. Sometimes I wonder if it actually lessens or if I am getting better at dealing with it. The human body is truly amazing.
Living with an Ilizarov has been the most painful experience of my life and the memories will never leave me. Not just carrying the physical weight around every day or the scars it will leave, but the pain, fear and anguish it brings.
It really is ingenious invention and I am in awe of how it has allowed my body to repair itself so perfectly. Using someone else’s words, but summing it up perfectly, it is ‘hideously wonderful’
Despite the horror of the pin removal today it has given me a sense of relief that finally I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. I know that I am on the home straight. Although it has also been a big reminder that when the frame is removed, it isn’t the end, it is simply then start of the next chapter.