A Little Bit Longer

I’ve been trying to write this blog since yesterday but haven’t been able to. I have felt a lot of things on this journey so far but yesterday was the first time that I felt disappointment mixed with despair. I haven’t been sure how to write about it.

I had my check up at the hospital and this time instead of an X-ray I had a CT scan so that my surgeon could get an in-depth look at my bones. It was a mixture of good and not so good. (I don’t like to use the word ‘bad’ as this whole situation is bad). The fractures in the lower part of the leg have healed well and fused together. Unfortunately the fractures near the top haven’t. In order for bones to heal you need the outer layer to fuse thus creating a strong structure for the inside to heal. My bones are still broken. This means that I will have have Nicholas for at least another four weeks, two weeks longer than first thought.
For the past few weeks James has been tightening the cage 1mm per week to squeeze the bones together to try and encourage fusion. As this hasn’t had the desired affect and the bones aren’t in line we are now stretching the bones back out. Yesterday we had to loosen by 3mm and for the next seven days, four times a day we have to loosen by a quarter each time (so 1mm in total per day). The feeling is horrendous when the cage is adjusted. Once again I can feel my bones moving and am having to consume copious amounts of pain killers.
If in the weeks to come the bones still don’t heal the frame will be removed and replaced with a non weight bearing cast to allow the bones to settle. I will then have an operation to pin the fractures together.

I feel I have taken a huge step backwards and am having real trouble getting my head around it and my ability to see the positives has taken a knock. I tried so incredibly hard yesterday to hold it together and even though I succeeded in not falling apart and kept the tears at bay, the disappointment simply buried itself just below the surface and I just became irritable and unbearable.
Maybe there is something to said for just letting your emotions out.

I have been so focused on getting through 16 weeks and to be told it’s going to be longer now is very hard to accept. Living with an Ilizarov doesn’t get easier as time passes by. The weight of carrying it around gets harder, the frustration grows and the desperation becomes unbearable. I am getting less eager to go out in public with it on show. I’m not embarrassed or ashamed or worried, however the looks of pity, the whispered comments and the probing questions, it never ends.

So today I woke up with a heavy heart, I am so tired.
I know I need to keep fighting for a while longer, I just need to work out how.

Advertisements

5 thoughts on “A Little Bit Longer

  1. Dear Kerry,
    It will be over one day so stay brave. You are such a star to have coped so well so far. No matter how hard it is for you now, it will get better. Hang in there – we’re all behind you xxxxxxx

  2. Big hugs Kerry. You’ve come such a long way, and whatever your next appointment shows up, you will get through it, and one day you will be able to look back at this whole episode and see how brave and strong you were/are. Fingers crossed for the next few weeks, and hope Nicholas does the job xx

  3. Kerry you my lovely lady are a totally amazing trooper and you will get through this. You are soooo much stronger and braver than you think you are, you my sweet are an inspiration for others xxx

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s