Since last week it’s been a struggle to get my head around the not so good news. As instructed James has adjusted the cage four times a day, anti clockwise to loosen the frame and stretch the broken bones out. Once again when I walk the bones feel broken. My leg is painful to touch in that area and a bulge has appeared. I now have a week to wait for the next X-rays and the next plan. I have no pre-conceptions on what my surgeon will see or say. I am not guessing at any dates and it’s impossible to give an exact time frame. I have already become a victim of my own naivety in thinking that the initial 16 weeks was a certain. At the time I needed to believe that after 16 weeks the nightmare would be over, without that dream it would have been a harder road to travel. But the result has been disappointment and a huge knock to my optimism.
Over the weekend I achieved very little sleep, insomnia well and truly invaded my body. It has been increasingly hard to get comfortable as the pain has been slowly increasing. By Monday I was zombie like, I went to bed at 10pm and woke up the next morning at 11.30! I can’t go on like this though so am going to ask my GP for some sleeping tablets just for when I have these episodes of insomnia.
Despite the lack of sleep and growing annoyance at my leg being encased in metal, I have tried to get out and make the most of the sunshine we’ve had. We had a lovely day at Cotswold Wildlife Park, the boys were so cute! I am really enjoying them at the moment, their personalities are really starting to shine. I also braved Witney on Bank Holiday Sunday evening which was brilliant. Gin, good friends and good fun! I have however got yet another maxi dress with a hole in it thanks to the bolts on the frame. I feel a shopping trip coming on when I am frame free!
The boys aren’t sleeping particularly well at the moment, well Henry mainly. He wakes up every night screaming and it takes a while to settle him. He is my sensitive little soul and he doesn’t like change. I think he feels very vulnerable as everything around him, where he should feel secure, keeps changing. First I was bed bound downstairs, then I was bum shuffling upstairs, now I am walking around. Even though I am more mobile I still can’t do as much as I could before and I don’t think he understands that. He is in need of extra cuddles and reassurance. it’s taking its toll on James with broken sleep and a toddler out of sorts. I wish I could take it all away.
I still find it hard to see when friends and family tell me how much I am doing as I feel I am actually doing very little. They have watched as I have progressed to some form of normality and mobility and often tell me how amazing it is that I have come so far.
But the truth is all I try and do is get through one day at a time. I simply do the best I can. Some days my best is simply to not cry. Some days it’s to just endure the pain and discomfort.
I don’t know if my pain levels are any better or whether they have become such a way of life I don’t notice them.
Right now, my best is to just smile and try and get through the remainder of this journey somehow.