Feeling Normal

Things are pretty ok at the moment I think!

My counselling continues and that along with my happy medication I seem to on an even keel plodding along nicely. Maybe it’s a false euphoria, I always w dee if the tablets are actually just hiding the daemons but you know what? I feel happy and content and normal for the first time in a long time. So for now I am going to enjoy it.

Christmas has been a family fuelled roller coaster! I am so lucky to have married into such a warm and loving family, the Hyatt clan coupled with my family make me a very lucky girl indeed. For Christmas we stayed in our home and catered for everyone with James cooking a feast and the children being entertained by Uncles, Aunts and Grandparents. The house was bursting with laughter and joy, the magic of Christmas really did happen.

My legs continue to ache, often waking me up, but I am learning slowly to live with it. The most difficult thing for me is still the numbness and shooting pains in my big toe and foot. I saw a surgeon two weeks ago as part of my civil action (ironically he was the surgeon on call who saw me when I was bought into A&E) and he says that it is undoubtedly nerve damage caused by the Ilizarov pins that were in my ankle. He also said that it will take 18-24 months to know if there will be any long term damage. It’s always a waiting game, never seeming to get a final answer. It does nothing for the impatient soul that lives within me.
I have been discharged from the physio department now and have a huge list of exercises to be getting in with, including walking backwards on the treadmill. I caused no end of amusement to my friends tonight over a curry when I asked how you programme a treadmill to go backwards …… how was I to know that I am just supposed to turn around?

On a day to day basis I can say that the memories of the accident no longer haunt me, in fact I don’t even believe that I think about it every day. When I do recall the events that unfolded that day and beyond I am able to reflect on how I came through it and so making it easier to remember without being panicked and scared. The mind is an amazing tool but sometimes you just need to take control of it.

If someone had asked me a month ago if I would be feeling so upbeat and happy I would have shot them down. Just goes to show that with some love, positive thinking and courage anything is possible!
In two days we will be celebrating the end of 2012. What a fantastic year it has been for so many reasons, the Olympics, the Jubilee, the Tour de France ….. but quite frankly I will be glad to see the back of it and start 2013 with a smile and a fresh beginning.

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Don’t Run Before You Can Walk

So I feel like I have hit a bit of a brick wall.

My legs were getting increasingly better but now I seem to be stuck. Don’t get me wrong, I am well and there is nothing ‘wrong’ … but the level of discomfort and pain I have now seems to be here to stay. I am constantly being asked how they are and ‘same as ever’ has become by robot answer. My left ankle aches constantly and it is almost stuck rigid when I wake up in the morning. My right leg has a constant niggling pain that increases as the day goes on. I know that I need to rest it more but that is impossible with my life. The cold weather is no doubt playing havoc with newly grown bones too.

I have struggled the last couple of weeks with trying to keep up with life. It’s wonderful to be able to do everything again but there are still days when I can’t seem to catch my breath. The tiredness can be overwhelming and takes over my every thought.

In two days it will seven months. To me it still seems like yesterday but I am sure to everyone else it is just a distant memory.
When I had the Ilizarov still attached no-one could really forget what had happened and offered help before I needed to ask. Now life is ‘normal’ again and all physical reminders have gone I don’t think it’s as easy for people to remember. Yes I am up and walking and looking after the children but it’s so much harder than it was before. These legs are not the same and I am not ashamed to say that I am struggling with being on them all day.

We were given a timescale from the very start for the repair of the bones but no-one warns you about once they are fixed.
I just thought life would be the same again but it doesn’t feel like it yet.

These little worries play havoc with my fragile mind. I get scared that I will never feel like the old me again sometimes. But perhaps that Kerry has gone to be replaced by this new one and I just need to get over myself. Maybe this new Kerry will be stronger and better than the last if I allow myself to be. Having been on this journey, surely l I could face anything now!

This blog sounds very woe is me and I didn’t mean it to be. Things may be tougher than I anticipated but I know that I am so lucky that things aren’t worse. And Christmas is only round the corner and I plan to surround myself by all the people that mean the world to me ❤