I’m a Runner

As the time draws nearer to the anniversary of that day the same feelings return to the pit of my stomach. It’s peculiar as I don’t so much think about the actual accident itself, the memories that shadow my thoughts now are of the days after. The look on friends and families faces when they came to visit, the fear in my sons’ eyes, the inability to scoop them up and cuddle them and promise that it would all be ok. Will the memories ever fade? Will I ever get to a point that the day will pass and I won’t remember? The boys have no recollection of the aftermath of Mummy living in the front room or of Nicholas (the cage), Charleigh’s memories have become faded with time, for these facts I am grateful as their minds are so young and pure and I don’t want them filled with bad, only the good.

I sometimes think that only I will ever remember the true moments from that time. Perhaps a little part of me will always be filled with it, but I will learn to keep that door closed.

I am determined to use this frustrated energy though and put it to good and not let is turn into a wasted emotion. I think we are all capable of directing our emotions onto a path of our own choosing. Our destiny is ours to make of what we will.

It is true that that time is a healer and despite the door to the dark side being slightly ajar at present, I can see the positives that have come out of something awful and I will try and focus on those.

The main positive being my desire to run. My training is well under way for the half marathon madness that I signed up for! I am stronger, physically and mentally, than I ever thought possible. I am learning to push myself to limits I once only ever thought would be out of reach.
These legs, despite the lumps, bumps and metal, are doing me proud.
James and I took part in the London Winter 10km run last weekend as part of my training plan. Surrounded by the beautiful sights of London down at South Bank, polar bears offering hugs (I kid you not) and the cold, cold air, we set off. I wanted to complete it in 55 minutes – a target that meant I had to push myself harder than ever before. At 5km the cold was hurting, at 7km I wasn’t even convinced I would finish the course and a 9km I knew I wouldn’t stop. With the encouragement of James next to me, my amazing trainer’s (the actual person, not my footwear!) voice in my head ‘think results’ and with a deep determination I didn’t even realise I had,  I completed it in 54:40.
I shed tears of absolute happiness at the end and traveled home on a cloud of delight (with a well-earned Costa Coffee in hand!). I do have a confession though, at the end of the 10km a realisation hit me that when it came to the half marathon I would in theory have to run that again. To say I was a little struck by fear would be an accurate description. How on earth am I ever going to run 13 miles? Although this time last year I wouldn’t have even been able to run 5km let alone 10km so things can only get better. I won’t use the work ‘easier’ as there is nothing easy about this. My legs are not what they were, there is weakness and metal that aggravates – but they are the only ones I have so I can either give in to ache, or fight and work against in the desire to succeed. (medical disclaimer : I am not doing anything that will cause me injury, if at any point there was pain other than that caused by hard work I wouldn’t push it, I am being sensible)

So happy! x

So happy! x

Well earned sit down :)

Well earned sit down 🙂

Told you ;)

Told you 😉

I am lucky to have had people come into my life because of this journey, some of whom I wouldn’t have got through some very dark days without. The internet gets bad press but without it I wouldn’t have found support in strangers when I most needed to connect with someone who knew exactly what I was going through. I know I have mentioned it in a previous blog but I would have been lost without the people I talked to who had the Ilizarov frame at the same time as me. From the USA, South Africa, UK – you helped me when I felt alone, angry, fearful, sad …. I am looking forward to meeting up with (some of) the Ilizarov Forum crew this weekend – you guys all rock!

Sometimes I forget that that there are actually people out there reading this. This is just my little therapeutic bubble, so I am still a little shocked when I get a response from someone other than friends or family. I received a lovely email recently from a lady who is on her own journey and facing battles that I only know too well.

To think that my words and my journey may help someone just a little is truly overwhelming.

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More Surgery …. and an angry rant

As I write this the sun is blazing and I have just enjoyed a fabulous afternoon with my gorgeous boys at he farm. I should be feeling content and happy, but alas I’m not. I am sat here with a knot in my stomach, trying to contain the rage and desperately trying not to cry …. again.

The plate in my left leg is continuing to niggle me, I can feel it there reminding me of it’s presence and still regularly swelling up just for good measure. Surgery for the removal has been set for 30th May. In all honesty I am not worried about the surgery itself, it’s very straight forward, one night stay in hospital and I should be up and walking relatively quickly. At least once it’s out it’s out! Just got to hope that the screws stay where they are don’t try escaping!

The gym has been amazing for getting my legs back to a good level of ability. In the past week I have finally been able to advance from speed walking to jogging – a huge achievement! It is an odd feeling if I am honest, my right leg protests to begin with with threats of giving way but once it realises that it wont win the fight it gives up and lets me carry on. I can manage two miles so far and hopefully that will continue to increase. Now, if I could stop eating so much cake (and the person who keeps buying said cake knows who she is!) then possibly this new found love for the gym may have a positive effect on my slightly larger waist line.

And so the reasons for the angst I am feeling.
It would appear that the law is an ass. Perhaps if I was a multi-millionaire footballer and someone happens to say something nasty to me in a newspaper then my multi-millionaire solicitor may not have much trouble in securing me a few extra million to add to my bulging bank balance.
However, little old me (sat here typing away on my three year old laptop in my modest little family home in Oxfordshire, whilst my husband is working a ‘proper job’  to support us) is having a somewhat troublesome time trying to secure compensation for the accident that broke my bones.
Let me explain as that view maybe a little one sided 😉
After the accident James took a sabbatical from work so that he could look after me and the children. During this time he wasn’t paid and so we borrowed money from family. This money paid the mortgage, the bills, fed us etc. On top of this we claimed Employment & Support Allowance – a benefit that is designed for people who cannot work due to an accident/ill health – exactly our position. We were awarded £100 per week.
Obviously the legal side of things has been and gone (remember the £90 fine and 6 points – yes, that legal ‘justice’) so all that is left is my civil case.
So apparently (according my very own solicitor) James should never have taken a sabbatical and forgone his salary as we cannot claim for his full loss of earnings. We should have put the boys into full time nursery (for which we could have claimed the full costs back) and I should have had a carer to look after me (for which we could have claimed the full costs minus 10%).
It would seem that the fact that my daughter witnessed me getting run over, the boys having to come to terms with Mummy not being walk, having a scary cage attached to one leg and being bed bound in the living room for some 7 weeks isn’t relevant. Life should have just continued with the addition of the boys finding themselves in nursery 8am-6pm Monday -Friday (not forgetting the fact that we couldn’t have actually transported them there as James is out of the house 6am-7pm) How silly of us to put the emotional needs of myself and our children first.
The benefit that we claimed will need to be paid back to the government by the defendant and so will be deducted from any money I am to receive (this I do understand as otherwise I will have been compensated twice).
However, the whole this is just leaving me drained, angry, upset, tired …. this list of emotions could go on and on.

I have been fighting for a year and it’s still not over. I may not be worried about the upcoming surgery … but it’s still another thing that I have to do. It’s still not over.

And on top of the physical hurdles to face we are facing not even being compensated financially what we feel we deserve.

We are not greedy people. I am not asking for millions of pounds so we can live a lavish lifestyle.
I do not however think I am selfish for wanting to be compensated (after all, I didn’t receive justice in court) for the trauma, physically and emotionally, that me and my family went through. I may have have the broken bones but I can assure you that I was not the only one affected by this. WHY should we end up in debt after this?? That is the way this is heading.
And do you know what is making me furious to the point of screaming …. she is totally unaware. She is out there living her life with no consequence what so ever.

My daughter is still nervous in car parks.
I have video of Archie screaming in terror when I was learning to walk with my zimmer frame.
I have the memories of my boys not wanting to  approach me, let alone cuddle me when I was bed bound for almost two weeks.

I may be a small fish in a big pond but to me, this was a tsunami and it’s still coming.
I’m all out of breath though so keep myself afloat.

 

 

Eight Weeks On

I haven’t blogged for a while and it hasn’t been through lack of desire but a lack of time. Eight weeks on post Nicholas and I think we are back to normal, whatever normal is!

James is back at work and I’m back to running around like a headless chicken trying to make sure that the kids are happy, fed and healthy. By the time the children are in bed and James and I have caught up on each others day my eyes fail me and my bed calls. The weeks are rolling by in a beautiful, happy haze though. I love my family more than I ever thought I could.
Children are remarkable creatures. Their ability to adapt to a given situation is amazing. I am so proud of them and how they coped with everything that was thrown at us.

When I look back on the last six months it feels almost like a dream. Did that actually happen to me and did we actually get through it? It’s a very surreal feeling. At the time it was a nightmare that I couldn’t wake up from and what’s left now are the lingering memories. My ability to cope with these memories is improving all the time. The panic is no longer taking over and I can talk about the accident and the aftermath without the fear enveloping me. Time is a great healer and I believe that without help I would have probably worked it out for myself, but the therapy is undoubtedly helping me to process my memories and look at them differently. I did also see my GP and have started on a small dose of antidepressants. I don’t think that there is any shame in this, if you have a headache you take a paracetamol, I need a little help with my emotions and I’m just doing what I need to.
Sometimes the hardest thing is admitting you need help and one thing that this journey has taught me is that you need never suffer in silence.

My leg still resembles that of an elephant. I try to rest it as much as possible but with life it can be tricky. I need to speak to my consultant about the numbness as if anything, it’s getting worse :/ There wont be a lot that can be done but it would be nice to know what the cause is. I was looking at the scars last night that the pins have left on my leg and in all honesty I don’t know how I feel about them. They are still very red and very obvious and despite not being a particularly vain person I can’t say that they will never bother me. The question is do I do something about it? My solicitor has said that if I so wish I could ‘get them done’ (I presume it would be laser surgery?!). It’s hard when it’s winter and they’re covered up anyway but come the summer (the little bit that we occasionally get) will I feel differently?

As I write this I am sat in the cafe in the Children’s Hospital at the JR with a large Latte whilst my little man Archie is having an operation on his winkle. I’m as anxious as anything waiting for my phone to ring to tell me he’s in recovery and I can go and get him.

Looking Up, Not Down

The hospital visit was biter sweet. The remaining fractures are finally starting to heal which is great news. It just means that Nicholas and I will be friends for a whole longer. They can’t say how long, how long is a piece of string? The only thing that can dictate the time remaining are the bones themselves. If they carry on repairing then eventually Nicholas will be removed and I will be on my very merry way. If they stop responding then depending on how they have fixed I may or may not need an operation. Only time will tell.
It’s this that I find the hardest – the simply not knowing. The tunnel I am travelling down is never ending and just drowns me with anxiety as to what will appear around the next corner.

However, after a few dark days and a spout of insomnia keeping me awake for over 30 hours I have my happy feet on again. They’ve taken me to family and friends who have shown me just how much I have to be thankful for (and to the fridge for a few much needed cold beers!)

Life is ever evolving, nothing stays the same forever. We grow from children into adults, we create new families of our own. Sometimes things can happen that can disrupt the normality of the lives that we have created for ourselves and this can have a huge impact on the way in which you look at things. I definitely don’t look at my life in the same way that I did before. I have come to realise how much love I have and, how subsequently, how much love I also have to give.

I have been so angry and fed up with the limitations that have been unwillingly set upon me but I really want to stop mourning what I can no longer do and starting recognising the things that I am able to do. I can still enjoy and love my gorgeous children, I can still be a loving wife and I can still be a good friend.

Looking back over the past 16 weeks I wished at times I had been a better patient for James. I wish I could be more laid back and not let things get to me so much. But I am just the worst person that this sort of trauma could happen to. I’m not good at sitting around not doing anything and watching everyone else do things (and more often than not quite the way I would do them, what can I say, it’s the Monica in me 😉 ). I am constantly battling with the inner person wanting to scream out.

But I am really going to try and focus on the good things in my life. (and with the help of the lovely sleeping tablets from the GP actually enjoy some real sleep!)
My counselling starts this week so hopefully I’ll be able to fight off the daemons attacking my thoughts and dreams.

As Professor Hawkins said ‘Look up at the stars and not your feet’

Hope For Tomorrow

So tomorrow I am back at the hospital and to say I am dreading it is an understatement. Perhaps the underlying worry is the cause of my inability to sleep. I am lucky to get two hours sleep before the remainder of the night is spent watching the sky turn from dark to light. My mornings are spent dozing resulting in feeling entirely wiped out and almost jet lagged. Unfortunately the world doesn’t slow down for sleep deprivation and I struggle to keep up.
It isn’t just me that this has an impact on, James and the children suffer. They feel the end of my short temper and the boys just don’t understand. Why isn’t Mummy coming down to play? Why can’t we go and wake Mummy up?
Tomorrow I just want to know that the rest of the bones are fixing. If they are still broken I don’t know how I will deal with that. Every day is becoming harder to get through, I am so tired mentally from trying to be happy but at the moment I feel I am failing. I need to know that the end is actually in sight, rather than it it appearing and then moving further away.
Will I get a date for removal? I really hope so.

The Paralympics have been keeping me entertained. Totally amazing. Some of the things that these athletes achieve is totally brilliant. I will be Ilizarov free yet these people live their lives with their disabilities with such strength and courage, it really does put my my worries to shame!

On Saturday I went to town with Mum as she had a hairdressers appointment and I had a few bits and bobs to do. It was the first time that I have walked around town by myself. I found myself walking much slower than I normally would and the stares and comments seemed all the more obvious. Did I just notice them more as I was on my own? Or are people quicker to comment if you don’t have the support of someone else? I don’t think I’ll be taking to town on my own again soon.

Since being treated at the Trauma Unit I have wanted to give something back. Last time I was at the JR I saw a leaflet for ‘It’s Not Just A Walk In The Park’. It’s a 3 mile sponsored walk to raise vital funds for the Oxford University Hospitals – and best of all you can specify which department you would like your sponsorship money to go. This seems like a very apt challenge, so along with James and my wonderful friend Rachel, together we are the ‘Wonky Walkers’ and we will be participating on 21st October.
Please sponsor us!
http://my.artezglobal.com/TeamPage.aspx?teamID=52001&langPref=en-CA&Referrer=direct%2fnone

A&E, Police and Life In A Chair

This week my right leg has become increasingly sore and with it I have been feeling very poorly and run down. After a sleepless night on Tuesday I noticed that one of my pin sites wasn’t looking very healthy so I called my GP. As they aren’t experts in Fixators he had to call the Trauma Unit who advised that I go to the hospital to have it checked out. Apparently depending on of there is an infection and the severity of it depends on how it is treated. When we got to A&E we noticed that my surgeon was the on call Trauma doctor so we told the triage nurse who, despite asking me what the problem was, didn’t listen to a word I said and totally dismissed us. After a four hour wait to have blood tests and X-rays and then another two hours for the results someone finally decided to tell my surgeon that I was there! He couldn’t understand why they had waited so long to tell him but said that the blood tests and X-rays all looked fine and I just needed a course of antibiotics for the infection. After leaving home at 1pm we got back at almost 10pm.
To say I was exhausted is an understatement. Every bit of me ached and my leg was excruciating after being prodded, pulled and moved from one place to another. It was also extremely swollen after being sat around for so long.

The statistics show that one in ten people with an external Fixator will get an infection. It’s understandable really as you have a constant open wound where each pin enters your leg. I thought I was going to be a lucky one as I have managed 11 weeks without any problems. But alas is was not meant to be.
Having an infection is more painful that the broken bones, it is horrific. And it’s not just the pain in the leg, it affects all you, increased tiredness, sickness. Emotionally it’s torture. I am battling every day and this adds to it. Everything is harder and takes a little bit more from you.
Even as I am sitting here, not moving it hurts. My leg feels like it is on fire, burning me from the inside. It feels so heavy walking is a effort. When I put weight through it the pain spreads and it turns my stomach. At any moment it feels as though my leg will explode.
My antibiotics have been added to the huge list of tablets that I consume daily. What’s another pill to swallow?

Our police officer came to the house today to write my victim impact statement. This is my chance to tell her how this has affected me and it’s something that I think about all the time. But when it came to it I found it really difficult to put it into words. Because of the legal case we can’t talk about the actually collision, just the affect because of it.
I don’t hate her yet I am so angry. I’m so desperately upset and confused as to how she could just leave me there on the floor. How do you put into words to explain to someone that they haven’t just broken your bones but they have broken a bit of you?
We spoke about the affect it’s had on the children and on James. It breaks my heart to explain that the boys look at me in a different way. The whole aspect of our relationship has changed and at the moment I am not able to fix it.
How has it affected James, us? Apart from having to have unpaid leave/sabbatical from work, the stress and pressure of not only being thrown into the role of house husband, full time Dad but also a carer. How do you explain that it’s sole destroying to watch someone take over your life because you simply can’t do it anymore?
Do you talk about the endless hours of hugging and crying? The arguments because I just get so frustrated and cannot express it?
It has bought us closer together but I also think it’s driving a wedge too. The frustration is just building up in me and I can’t explain it to anyone. If I try it would appear that it just comes out wrong and I end up unintenionally offending.
How can you talk when you cannot find the words?

Living life at home being sat in a chair for the majority of the time isn’t as much fun as you may think. It’s strange that for so long I was desperate for close contact with my children but now I feel as though I am coldly rejecting them. The boys want to sit on my lap constantly but I simply cannot take it. Not only does it put pressure on my leg and pull the pin sites but I feel incredibly trapped. How ridiculous does that sound? If I won’t let them sit on me they will stand next to the chair and cry and there is nothing that I can do. I cannot change their focus and sit on the floor and play with them, I cannot stand up and cuddle them. The whole sitation is totally out of my control and I feel totally inadequate. All I can do is add yet another request to my ever growing list and frustrate those around me even more.
I don’t think anyone understands how I feel, this world I find myself in is a difficult and lonely place.
The constant battle to find the balance between resting and doing as much as I can so that I am not such a burden is hard. A burden is how I am feeling more and more.

Looking Forward

I have been so happy with the results from Monday and the pictures of my bones starting to heal. It has been a huge confidence boost and I have been up and walking all over the house! I am quite confident now without my crutches although I will still take one with me if I go out anywhere. The stairs are no problem either, I can get up and down without the need to bump down on my bum!
I am finally beginning to feel some sense of achievement and the small light at the end of the long tunnel is starting to shine a little.
The remainder of my journey doesn’t seem as daunting as it has done up until now. I still have some daemons to fight emotionally, however physically I am so much stronger.

A very good friend took me out for a few hours today and some quality girl time was had. It was the first time I have ventured out without the wheelchair, I was slightly nervous and unsure of how much my legs could take, but it was something that I needed to do. (we did have it in the boot just in case!) Being out and about walking instead of being in the wheelchair felt so strange. You adapt to new things remarkably quickly and things soon become a comfort blanket. I felt very vulnerable with only my crutches for support. The world seemed like a much bigger place.
We began by getting our nails done which was fabulous. I feel automatically happier having nice nails! Then the rather excitable Chinese nail man informed us that you aren’t allowed to park on a yellow line so we made a mad dash back to the car to move it. Panic over we had lunch and a good gossip.
I was exhausted by the time I was delivered back home, I am hoping that the walking around and using some energy will help me sleep tonight. I so long for a full, undisturbed nights sleep.

James and I have argued a lot this week which has been sad considering the good news.
There is no fault to be given, we are both to blame. We each carry our frustrations that have inevitably taken its toll. The life we are leading at the moment has been thrown at us and for a while you get swept up in the momentum, it’s only when the storm calms a little that you really get a chance to feel anything.
We are strong though and it will take more than this to break us! James is my rock and I couldn’t have got through this without him, he has been truly amazing.
Everyone is allowed a time to be angry and pissed off, the last few days has been ours.

We are away at my Mum’s this weekend and I really cannot wait. I am in serious need of some Mummy time, she is the best!

Today has been a good day and it ends on a high.
Tonight, for the first time in nine weeks, I was able to walk into the bedrooms of my children, tuck them in and whisper my goodnights. I was able to steal a few precious moments of wonder, watching my gorgeous little people in the land of dreams, peaceful and beautiful.

Cleaning, Friends & Ouch!

The day started with tears, has ended with pain but the middle bit was alright!

When I bum shuffled down the first set of stairs this morning I was greeted with two cheeky smiles on the landing. My gorgeous little boys! Henry was eager to show me something very funny in his eyes, him wearing my Ugg boots. However, before I had a chance to tell him to move away from the stairs he was attempting to put them, lost balance and toppled head first down them and all I could do was watch and yell for James. I promptly burst into tears, totally mortified that there was nothing I could do, yet again, to comfort my son. He wasn’t hurt, just shocked, and I think I was more upset than him.

So, after eating breakfast amongst the madness that is our house in the mornings I did what I do to relieve stress …… I cleaned!
I got myself up on my crutches and I cleaned my kitchen sides and sink, emptied and re-filled the dishwasher, swept the kitchen floor and hung some washing up to dry. Boy, it felt so good to be doing just normal things! I never thought I’d see the day when I got actually excited by menial household jobs!

We have a few plans here and there for this week which I like. However much I hate going out, especially if it means being around people, I know I must do it. I can’t be a hermit and the longer you avoid something the worse it becomes. I hate wishing time away but I really want July to be over with. When we finally reach August I will be able to say that next month, I will be Nicholas free. I don’t care about the cast or boot that I might have afterwards, anything but the cage.

The house has been filled with laughter and fun today. We had an extra toddler running around as we were looking after a friends little boy. It is so uplifting to hear the giggles of small children and see them interact with each other and they are such good friends it was really beautiful watching them play.
The friend in question has been an absolute tower of strength to not only me but James as well. Nothing is ever too much trouble and she is always there with a cuddle and a smile. She is one of life’s good people and I feel very lucky to be able to call her a friend. Love you x

It has taken a while for my boys to become comfortable with me and my legs. Now they quite happily clamber onto my lap, play with the metal rings on my cage, tread on my toes if I’m stood up. It is hard to find the right balance between them being happy and natural with me yet aware that I do still have bad legs (something Archie could do well to remember when he’s launching a fire engine at me for me to save!) I am always very cautious to tell them to back off in case I push them away. But a lesson learnt tonight as Henry was sat on my lap and promptly fell onto my left leg …… ouch!! It was elevated in front of me and luckily I had the boot on but the pain! How I didn’t release a torrent of foul language is beyond me.
Needless to say I am now reaping the benefits of painkillers washed down with a cold beer!

Miserable Morning

Growing up I wasn’t like my friends, I never knew what I wanted to become, a teacher, a lawyer … the world was my oyster but I didn’t have a clue. I bumbled through school with no idea of what I would do when I suddenly had a choice and subsequently didn’t really do anything constructive. I went from job to job, shop worker, office manager, care assistant, learning support assistant. Somewhere in the middle I had my gorgeous Charleigh and she changed my life and suddenly gave me purpose. Whatever I did I did for her. Then I met James, married, we had our gorgeous boys and it was then that I found myself as a stay at home mum and housewife. Something that I never thought I would become or ever enjoy but nevertheless I threw myself in head first and instead of drowning I found myself swimming. My children and my home were something that I was actually good at. Yes there were bad days when I wanted to pull my hair out, but I could look at my children and my home and feel proud. That was what I was good at, where I shone.

Today I am just so angry that the one thing I was actually good at is a total impossibility now. I cant look after my house and I can’t parent my children. I know that it sounds really stupid being frustrated at not being able to clean and tidy or change a nappy or be able to deal with a two year old having a meltdown, but when it is ripped away from you it is torture. Especially when it’s still right in front you, an arms length away yet is actually a million moons away.

I’m not going to cry or shout as it won’t fix anything. My legs will still be broken and I will still be stuck on this bed watching life just rolling past not being able to actually do anything. Instead all I can do is sit here and wait for someone to bring me my toothbrush, wait for someone to bring me painkillers when I need them, wait for someone to bring me clothes to get dressed. Waiting is all i seem to be able to do. Why does it have to be so god damn hard though? My house doesn’t feel like mine anymore, I feel like a stranger.

Sorry for the miserable post, guess I’m just having a bad morning.
The smiles will return tomorrow I’m sure.

Happy Jubilee

One of the good things to come out of the accident is it bringing lots of old friends to visit!
I have been feeling very disappointed that I have had to sit back and watch all of the Jubilee celebrations pass me by, such a momentous occasion and I haven’t participated at all.
But on reflection I have had a lovely weekend. I have been visited by some old friends that I haven’t seen in many years, enjoyed a lovely family dinner and today I have spent quality time with an amazing friend whilst our boys ran around happy and smiling. The whole weekend has revolved around good food and a few cheeky glasses of wine. Good times are what you make them and despite the legs, I can look back on the Jubilee with happy memories.

Even though we have two very energetic little boys, I fear the house will feel quiet for the next couple of days. My Mummy has gone home until the weekend and on her way has taken Charleigh to her Godmothers house for a mini break. I love having my Mum here, it’s at times like this that I really regret moving away. She is the most amazing person. Nothing is too much trouble, she just comes and does anything and everything that needs doing without a second thought. She is exactly what you need in a time if crisis. Love you Mummy x

My legs are feeling very sore today, I like to think that it is my bones mending, but I have to admit that it’s also likely due to being as busy as I have been. Not only does it take great effort physically to get in and out of the house and car but sitting in a chair all day (as opposed to the bed) has the same affect on my body today as a full day of being on my feet looking after my family would have had four weeks ago. It’s a different tiredness though. At the moment I can feel it creeping through me like snake, taking over my being, unwanted, yet so fierce I cannot do anything but give in to it. One the one hand I know that rest helps the healing, but to me it’s a whole new experience that is taking time to adjust to. I used to long for days when I could just sit undisturbed, now I want nothing more than to be running after my boys and playing taxi to Charleigh’s social life.

I am almost halfway through the journey with the left leg. It’s been almost three weeks since the operation which is really hard to believe. There is still a long road ahead for Nicholas and I though and at the moment it feels as though time has slowed. I can almost hear every second tick by in slow motion. The weight is bearing down, not just on my leg from the Fixator itself, but on my heart. I am on a path that I don’t want to be on, yet I know I have to take it and being thrown along with me are the people that I love and care for the most. A certain amount of guilt comes with that and it can be hard to accept.

As I write this my boys are playing happily together, the loving brothers that they are, chatting away in a land of make believe. The innocence of children is a wonderful thing, the whole world and life is just a huge adventure! I love watching my children grow and shine knowing that there is a little bit of me in them 🙂 I love being a Mum more than anything in the world.