Health & Happiness

I haven’t blogged for a while but I’ve been thinking about the last 29 months quite a lot lately, so it feels like the right time to put down my thoughts.
For various reasons the accident has come up in conversation a lot lately, with old friends reminiscing, with new friends inquiring, with family being supportive of my new adventures. Whenever I do talk about it, it always amazes me how clearly I still remember that day. I always assumed that my memories would lessen and become obscured but that isn’t the case. Certain moments in time still have the ability to create a knot of fear in my stomach, but with much less panic than they would have caused a year ago. The key is to not let the fear take over. Stay in control and be strong.
Time is most definitely a healer, but I think that you need to give it a little helping hand along the way.

When I was recovering I often wondered if I would be the same person again.
Would I have the same outlook on life?
Would my confidence be overshadowed by sadness and fear?
Would the panic deep in me ever be calm?

Traumatic events have the ability to drown you in grief but everyone has the ability to either sink or swim. I was lucky that I had amazing friends and family surrounding me, keeping me afloat during the dark days. However something did change in me, I became aware that life is for living, and living it to the full became my aim.

During the early days of recovery when I had trouble thinking past the next hour let alone the next day, week, month, year, and all I could think was ‘why me?’ – someone told me to focus on the positives of the things that I could control rather than the things that I couldn’t. They asked me to think about what adventures my new healed legs would take me on? They told me that I had an amazing opportunity to do something amazing.

Whilst immobile I took comfort in wine and cake, cake and wine  ……. and inevitably my weight ballooned.
In March this year I needed to go jeans shopping – most girls nightmare – and for me it truly was. I came home empty handed and vowed to lose weight.
I started by looking at my diet and changed my entire outlook on food, what I was eating and why. I soon learnt that my relationship with food in general was unhealthy, not just what I was consuming but why. As soon as I made some simple changes I regained my energy and found an inner willpower to want to be healthier because I actually felt better for it.
With my new found energy and determination I found my feet and started to run. As I said in my April blog, 5km and I became friends! The more I ran the more my confidence grew and the faster I wanted to be and I soon became competitive with myself. Soon 5km became 6km, then 7km …..
One May afternoon sat at home with my herbal tea and my iPad, I suddenly found myself signing up for the Blenheim 10km. Was I mad? Apparently not. Would I be able? Apparently so.
My little legs took me the whole 10km on Sunday 5th October in 1:03:28
At the finish line was my amazing husband, who wrapped is arms round me tightly as I cried.
In 29 months I made the transition from broken and faithless to determined and able. The emotions running through me came out like a waterfall. I cried with relief, with happiness and I felt that finally I was letting go of all of my anger.
How could I continue to be angry? I may have once been physically broken but inside, then and there, I was alive and kicking and giving life a huge high five. That is the most amazing feeling and without the events that made me look at myself in a different light to get to that moment I wouldn’t have been there.

Anything in life is possible. There are positives to be found in everything, sometimes you just need to look through the darkness to find the light.

So I am thankful for the curve ball that life threw me 29 months ago because today it has made me a better, happier and healther person.

(and as for the inner competitiveness in me – it signed me up for a half marathon in six months time …. eeeek!)


More Surgery …. and an angry rant

As I write this the sun is blazing and I have just enjoyed a fabulous afternoon with my gorgeous boys at he farm. I should be feeling content and happy, but alas I’m not. I am sat here with a knot in my stomach, trying to contain the rage and desperately trying not to cry …. again.

The plate in my left leg is continuing to niggle me, I can feel it there reminding me of it’s presence and still regularly swelling up just for good measure. Surgery for the removal has been set for 30th May. In all honesty I am not worried about the surgery itself, it’s very straight forward, one night stay in hospital and I should be up and walking relatively quickly. At least once it’s out it’s out! Just got to hope that the screws stay where they are don’t try escaping!

The gym has been amazing for getting my legs back to a good level of ability. In the past week I have finally been able to advance from speed walking to jogging – a huge achievement! It is an odd feeling if I am honest, my right leg protests to begin with with threats of giving way but once it realises that it wont win the fight it gives up and lets me carry on. I can manage two miles so far and hopefully that will continue to increase. Now, if I could stop eating so much cake (and the person who keeps buying said cake knows who she is!) then possibly this new found love for the gym may have a positive effect on my slightly larger waist line.

And so the reasons for the angst I am feeling.
It would appear that the law is an ass. Perhaps if I was a multi-millionaire footballer and someone happens to say something nasty to me in a newspaper then my multi-millionaire solicitor may not have much trouble in securing me a few extra million to add to my bulging bank balance.
However, little old me (sat here typing away on my three year old laptop in my modest little family home in Oxfordshire, whilst my husband is working a ‘proper job’  to support us) is having a somewhat troublesome time trying to secure compensation for the accident that broke my bones.
Let me explain as that view maybe a little one sided 😉
After the accident James took a sabbatical from work so that he could look after me and the children. During this time he wasn’t paid and so we borrowed money from family. This money paid the mortgage, the bills, fed us etc. On top of this we claimed Employment & Support Allowance – a benefit that is designed for people who cannot work due to an accident/ill health – exactly our position. We were awarded £100 per week.
Obviously the legal side of things has been and gone (remember the £90 fine and 6 points – yes, that legal ‘justice’) so all that is left is my civil case.
So apparently (according my very own solicitor) James should never have taken a sabbatical and forgone his salary as we cannot claim for his full loss of earnings. We should have put the boys into full time nursery (for which we could have claimed the full costs back) and I should have had a carer to look after me (for which we could have claimed the full costs minus 10%).
It would seem that the fact that my daughter witnessed me getting run over, the boys having to come to terms with Mummy not being walk, having a scary cage attached to one leg and being bed bound in the living room for some 7 weeks isn’t relevant. Life should have just continued with the addition of the boys finding themselves in nursery 8am-6pm Monday -Friday (not forgetting the fact that we couldn’t have actually transported them there as James is out of the house 6am-7pm) How silly of us to put the emotional needs of myself and our children first.
The benefit that we claimed will need to be paid back to the government by the defendant and so will be deducted from any money I am to receive (this I do understand as otherwise I will have been compensated twice).
However, the whole this is just leaving me drained, angry, upset, tired …. this list of emotions could go on and on.

I have been fighting for a year and it’s still not over. I may not be worried about the upcoming surgery … but it’s still another thing that I have to do. It’s still not over.

And on top of the physical hurdles to face we are facing not even being compensated financially what we feel we deserve.

We are not greedy people. I am not asking for millions of pounds so we can live a lavish lifestyle.
I do not however think I am selfish for wanting to be compensated (after all, I didn’t receive justice in court) for the trauma, physically and emotionally, that me and my family went through. I may have have the broken bones but I can assure you that I was not the only one affected by this. WHY should we end up in debt after this?? That is the way this is heading.
And do you know what is making me furious to the point of screaming …. she is totally unaware. She is out there living her life with no consequence what so ever.

My daughter is still nervous in car parks.
I have video of Archie screaming in terror when I was learning to walk with my zimmer frame.
I have the memories of my boys not wanting to  approach me, let alone cuddle me when I was bed bound for almost two weeks.

I may be a small fish in a big pond but to me, this was a tsunami and it’s still coming.
I’m all out of breath though so keep myself afloat.



One Down …… Five (and two bolts) to go!

Last night I sat and watched as James had to struggle to get two little monkeys to bed (them falling asleep for an hour at 5pm on the way home from Mum’s was not a good idea!) and then tidy the house. It was complete agony every time I moved and I tried for so long to keep it together but inevitably I lost the battle and crumbled. James held me tight as I sobbed myself into exhaustion. As I predicted very little sleep was accomplished last night. Too many emotions running through me to relax enough despite being so incredibly tired. The inability to find a position that wasn’t painful.

Some days I am just too tired to fight.

We went to the hospital today to get the offending pins looked at. After looking at them my surgeon went off to look at my xrays and was weighing up the possibility of removing the frame. The bones have healed well but they need some extra support for another couple of weeks. The frame could be replaced with a cast however the frame provides better results in the long run. Instead he made the decision to just remove the pin causing me grief.
Up until now I was adamant that I would have a general anaesthetic to have the frame removed. After today I even more adamant!
Even though I have 12 pin sites, there are only six pins as they go straight into the leg and bone and out the other side. So, to remove a pin the doctor starts off by uncurling both ends of the pin from the metal ring and then loosens the bolts holding it tight and in place. Then using wire cutters he cuts one end so there is less length to pull through the leg. And finally he swiftly pulls the pin out.
I have never experienced anything so horrific and it is not something I am willing to go through again. I am happy to go to sleep and have it gone when I wake up.
When we got home I couldn’t even walk from the car to the house as it was just too sore. I tried to stand which resulted in screaming and tears so James carried me in. Painkillers are now doing their job and another course of antibiotics will kill off anything attacking me inside.

(a huge thank you to Rachel for being one of the best friends I could ask for. We are lucky to have you in our lives, always there to help without a second thought and a hug just when I need it. Love you xx)

Pain is a strange thing. I haven’t had a pain free day since May 12th. Obviously there have been different degrees but it has always been there. Sometimes I wonder if it actually lessens or if I am getting better at dealing with it. The human body is truly amazing.
Living with an Ilizarov has been the most painful experience of my life and the memories will never leave me. Not just carrying the physical weight around every day or the scars it will leave, but the pain, fear and anguish it brings.
It really is ingenious invention and I am in awe of how it has allowed my body to repair itself so perfectly. Using someone else’s words, but summing it up perfectly, it is ‘hideously wonderful’

Despite the horror of the pin removal today it has given me a sense of relief that finally I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. I know that I am on the home straight. Although it has also been a big reminder that when the frame is removed, it isn’t the end, it is simply then start of the next chapter.

Busy Time

We’ve had a busy week for the Hyatt household!

Last Sunday I had a bad day. I didn’t sleep very well the night before which never helps and I was very upset all day. I had a ball of anxiety rumbling in my tummy and with it came a river of tears. They flowed unashamedly all day, not worrying about who saw or who heard the cries.
I don’t know why I have days like this. I do know that on good days I still carry a certain amount of fear with me so perhaps it all builds up and then inevitably erupts when I cannot hold it in any longer.
Whatever the reason may be, I know that it wont last forever, I will get better.

I have been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and I am due to begin counselling in the next few weeks. I knew I wasn’t right so there is relief in the knowledge that how I am feeling and the constant ups and downs are normal and there is help available. There is nervousness about it and having to face my problems but I am also looking forward to finally dealing with all of the emotions rolling around inside and being able to really move on.
Despite becoming more and more mobile I am feeling more anxious about going out. I feel very nervous if we need to go somewhere and the thought of being amongst large groups petrifies me. I can’t work out why, I don’t know what I think is going to happen but I just can’t do it.

We did however take a last minute trip to The Wirral in the week to see James’ Grandad. James’ Mum came with us which helped with my nerves as I knew there would be someone else there (and as it turned out was a huge blessing) Luckily we stay at his Aunt’s house which is located on the beach front, it’s beautiful and we always love it it when we go. The children had a fantastic time playing on the sand and Grandad Henry definitely enjoying seeing them. Children are without a doubt therapeutic.
I found it hard to not be in the middle of the fun, instead I sat on the beach in my chair watching from afar. This is when I get angry and what the accident has taken away from me.
But unfortunately poor Charleigh had an accident which resulted in a dash to A&E. James took her crabbing and she fell from the rocks into the sea and cutting her leg badly on the way down. Karin and I took her as James was soaking wet from rescuing her! She was ever so brave though and luckily it happened at the the end of our trip and she will make a full recovery 🙂

Yesterday I had Physio for the first time since having the boot removed. Despite doing so well walking around, O didn’t realise how much I still couldn’t do until I was asked to try. It was a huge reminder that I still have a long way to go! I have lots of exercises to do three times a day to get my ankle working again as it should.
It’s very easy to get so focused on having casts, boots and cages removed that it’s easy to forget that the journey doesn’t end there, in some sense it only just starts.

This weekend we are back at my Mum’s for a family Christening. I love being here, I always feel so much calmer when I’m with her. I’ve said it before but it’s true, no matter how old you are you always want your Mum. And my Mum is amazing.
We are missing a night out tonight to London because I just cannot face it mentally. It really angers me that I cannot just pull myself together enough to just do it. James is so patient with me and my to-ing and fro-ing. As always he is my rock, pulling me up when I am down and holding me when I am up.

Goodbye Zimmerman

So the last few days have been a real struggle.

After feeling upbeat for so long I really thought I was finally coming out of the other side. Then like suddenly it feels like I am being pulled backwards and there is nothing I can do to stop it. Last Friday I just felt totally deflated and empty and the feelings just escalated. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, to see anyone, I didn’t even want to get out of bed. I cried constantly and my heart felt as though it was trying to escape. The knot of anxiety returned to my stomach and I couldn’t see anyway out.
I have been taking sleeping tablets to sleep at night otherwise I sit and watch the sun come up. They were running out so I went to my GP on Tuesday to ask for some more even though I was certain he wouldn’t oblige as he is already worried about dependency.  However, after a mini meltdown he agreed to give this emotional train wreck another two weeks worth of a different one along with some literature on self help for insomnia. He also suggested that I might like some counselling to try and come to terms with everything. I have to say I wholeheartedly agree and have made the first steps to get that started. My friends and family are brilliant at listening to me but I don’t think that I am really dealing with the accident and the position that it has left me in.
I am trying my hardest to be strong but I believe it’s coming at a price. I put on a brave face because I don’t want to just sit here and fall apart. But everyday I am dying inside with anger and frustration and it’s eating me up.
I still believe that something good will come out of this journey, my future is bright and exciting, but for the here and now I need some help.
I am not angry at her, I let that go., however I can’t get over the fact that I was actually run over and I have broken bones. Despite being excited when I first saw them, I am finding it increasingly difficult to look at my x-rays now.  They fill me with panic. The recovery was always going to be painful and long and I really am trying to deal with just one day at a time but it is becoming more and more difficult as they days appear to be getting longer and harder.
It’s mentally torturing living with an Ilizarov and I wasn’t prepared for that.
I wish that they had cut my leg off – anything but this cage. I hate it that much.
Now I understand that this sounds extreme and ridiculous, this is one of the reasons that I am going to get help as I know that my thoughts are not me, but something inside that needs to be fixed.
I am so exhausted from trying and crying, I need to heal emotionally as well as physically.

Despite my negative emotions, physically I am moving forward in every sense. Since having the cast replaced with the boot I have been moving around with my zimmerman and it’s been great, I have grown fond of it. When the cast was removed from the left I was told I could ‘partial weight bare’ on it. But what is partial? I haven’t been sure and thought I had probably put too much weight on it but I haven’t done anything that has caused me any pain or discomfort. The physio told me that it’s around 40lbs (3 stone) ….. much less than I have been using (according to the scales I am using about double that!) So I need to let off a bit until my next hospital appointment when hopefully I’ll be full weight with the boot.
Today my lovely physio changed the frame for crutches – WOW,  it’s a whole new world! The freedom you feel automatically from not having the frame surrounding you is amazing. I can see how I will be even more mobile with them but they are going to take some getting used to. In theory I can use them to get me up and down the stairs, I managed the couple that were in the physio room but with the knowledge that he was behind to catch me! Think I might stick to my bum at home for the time being, build up slowly! I feel like I have totally forgotten how to walk, evidently I no longer bend my knees despite the fact that there is nothing wrong with them. So with every new step I take you can hear me ‘bend the knee’, it’s quite comical really.

It’s been eight weeks this Saturday since my accident. Seven weeks this Friday since the operation. It just madness.

As said by someone wonderful
“To get through the hardest journey we need take only one step at a time, but we must keep on stepping”

Panic, Fear & Tears

Today has been a dark day. Even though I tried my hardest to stay positive yesterday and fight the dread seeping in I just wasn’t strong enough.

Sleep was restless for me last night and the agitation from yesterday was ever increased. I had no desire to leave my bed and I certainly didn’t want to get dressed or face the world. I have never been more grateful for the children not being around this weekend as I hate them seeing me lose control and could feel that today was not going to be pretty.
James insisted that I should come downstairs and at least sit in the garden as the sun was shining and I need the Vitamin D! Begrudgingly I made my way down, knowing that he was right, however the closer to the bottom I was, the heavier my heart felt. Once outside not even the wonderful sunshine could brighten my feelings. I sat and cried tears of sheer frustration. I know I have come such a long way in six weeks, so why doesn’t that knowledge bring with it some peace of mind about the rest of this journey? Instead, I cannot help but feel each second of each day tick by painfully slowly. I feel so scared about how I am supposed to get through the remaining ten weeks. I am trying to just deal with one day at a time and not look that far ahead, but even still, on days like today I struggle with the thought of even the next few hours. I just want it to be over so desperately. This cage feels like a method of torture for something that I wasn’t able to avoid, even though I know it is actually working a miracle on my bones.

So no, today has not been good. I have not been able to get comfortable anywhere, anyhow, I have cried too many tears.
But as always my James has been there at my side as strong as ever. Calming me to keep the rising panic at bay, saying all of the right things at the right time, cuddles aplenty.
I try not to give in to the panic as it’s so hard to come back from when it has it’s claws sunk in deep.

James and I were supposed to be going out for dinner tonight but I just cannot bring myself to do it. The thought of having to leave the house and be surrounded by people terrifies me today. I need the protection of these walls, separating me from the world, and to feel safe despite the dread that is running through my body tonight.

Tonight I would happily sacrifice the sleep to just feel comfortable and at peace, maybe then tomorrow things will seem brighter. I hope so.

Sunshine Day

Today the sun has been shining, inside and out, what a beautiful day!

Last night before bed, to try and help with my inability to sleep, I had a cup of hot milk with some grated nutmeg. I’m unsure whether it was that, the crisp clean sheets or sheer exhaustion that helped me to sleep, but sleep I did for around 5 hours. Even when I did wake up I was able to drift back again relatively easily. How amazing it was this morning to feel rested.

And the good feelings continued……

With the boys being so comfortable with my new position in the house, cuddles are a plenty and a different sense of normality is taking shape. This morning they were quite happy for me to take charge from my chair and get them dressed and ready to go to nursery. I am gradually finding my place back in the family mix and it feels wonderful and if can only go from strength to strength.

After seeing the boys off with a kiss and a smile James and I made our way to the hospital for my next check up. I was feeling a mixture of excitement, I wanted to see how the bones were healing, but also a little nervous, what if things weren’t fixing? Could I handle a knock back?
I need not have worried, my bones are working a small miracle.
The X-rays showed the extent of the damage that was done to my legs but also the magic that is going on within.

The left leg, with it’s metal screws and plate, has healed so far just as it should. This means I have been able to exchange the cast for a Samsonite boot. It’s big, bulky, black and hot …… but it brings me the ability to bein weight bearing! I can now partial weight bear, enough to move around and balance. In the next two weeks I should be able to begin full weight bearing. In just one short month my left leg is halfway to recovery. Well done bones!

Good ole Nicholas is fulfilling his responsibilities too. Even though there is no sign yet of healing to the bones, it wasn’t expected at this stage. However everything is looking good (well as good as a leg with multiple fractures and pins holding it together can look) and my surgeon is happy.
The tibia is broken in various places, there is a clean break at the top and multiple breaks (where the car ran over it) further down. If the bottom fractures heal before the top I might need another operation to insert more pins and tighten the frame to squeeze the bones together. This doesn’t concern me in the slightest. I have come this far, I can deal with that.
I have total faith in my surgeon that he will do whatever necessary to fix my legs and I will do my part and stay strong.

Pulling up to the house I was excited, I had butterflies, my heart raced a little too fast, would I be able to walk? Was I expecting too much?

James wheeled me into the house and up from the wheelchair and onto the zimmer I went and I walked, actually walked!!!
Both feet on the ground, one step at a time, one foot in front of the other.
I made it roughly five feet and promptly burst into tears. I have never felt so many emotions at once, relief, happiness, excitement, nervousness …. I felt free and independent for the first time in five weeks. I wasn’t reliant on anyone, just me and my frame. In the flick of a switch the world no longer seems likes a scary place.
I can walk!! It’s going to take some practice, I need to learn how to walk properly again, at the moment each step is slow and precise, it isn’t natural yet, but I can do it! YES!!!!!!!

Looking at the x-rays is very surreal. It’s an indescribable feeling to look at the broken bones and accept that they are mine. They bring back memories of the accident, the horror and the pain, but they also tell and wonderful, beautiful story.
It’s an ongoing story of stength, courage and faith, as yet I don’t know how the story will end, but I am excited and ready to find out.

I have a new fire burning in me, I feel alive!

A Little Deep …….

So, after 48 hours of tears and despair and asking, numerous times and in may different ways, why did this have to happen? …… I have finally realised that actually, I have known the answers all along.
I have had conversations with two amazing people today.
They have shared stories, spoken words that have touched my heart, allowed me to see their hearts, opened my eyes and helped me face the future with a new outlook.

Maybe, just maybe, I was looking at this all wrong. I was so sure that this had happened to me to teach me, to send me on the path that was meant for me. But what if actually this happened to simply stop the path I was on and to open up my future? What if my future was all laid out for me and I was just following the story I had actually set myself? What if, because of this accident and the changes that is has forced already, my future is now a blank canvas for me to make my own?
How amazing an opportunity is that?

My future is now completely my own for me to grasp with both hands.

Five weeks ago I was a stay at home Mum and Wife. My days were filled with looking after the house and the children. I felt stuck, wound up and bored with monotony of life. My husband worked long hours to support us, leaving the house before the cock crowed and returning when the babies were dreaming. Our lives were tired and worlds apart.
I prayed that he would be at home and that we could grow together.

That is just one prayer that has been answered.

He is at home and when I look back at the last five weeks I have seen the relationship between my amazing husband and our children grow and blossom into something truly beautiful. I feel closer to him now than I ever thought possible. The relationship I have with my children is now enveloped in more love I thought possible.
We, as a family, are spending time together that we would never have had, we are experiencing things together that are making us a stronger force in this world.

Yes it hurts, my days seem dark, but underneath all of that there is something beautiful appearing.
I will still cry, I will still feel helpless and this recovery will still hurt.
But my bones are mending and creating new legs to walk on.

For every ying there is a yang.
Little did I know that as I struggle to find reason, my yang has actually been waking up already seeing the spectacular opportunity that I have been given, excited about what my future could hold.
Today, the forces collided and my eyes were able to focus on a new beginning.

I still believe that there is a reason for everything, but perhaps the reason is to just start again.

Your prayers will be answered, even through the pain and tears it may bring, the answer is there!

A little deep? Maybe? But a positive outlook? Absolutely!

My legs are killing me tonight, I am as uncomfortable as I could possibly imagine, I am pissed off to hell, but I’m going to have a beer and think about what adventures my new legs will take us on ……..

And So It Goes On …… Me & The Converse

I’m afraid of sounding like a broken record, however the whole point of this blog was to help me and to be a place for me to ‘get it all out’. So continue to ramble I shall ……….

After admitting the fact that I wasn’t alright and feeling as though I am not coping, I let the flood gates open and I cried all of the tears I have been holding back. My fear came true, once I started I couldn’t stop. I cried, I screamed, I moaned ……. totally out of control.
Do I feel better? Honestly? No, not really, but I suppose they are better out than in.
After a day and night of crying I just feel exhausted.
At one point this morning the crying turned to panic as I struggled to catch my breath resulting in a panic attack. I became a shaking hysterical mess with James shouting at me to control my breathing and calm down. I honestly don’t know how he is putting up with me.

I had to get a grip though as I needed to face the big wide world for a Physio session. The movement in my ankles continues to be good and I am successfully transferring from sitting to standing (with the zimmer) well. I managed six steps before I had to give in to the pain. It still feels amazing to be upright and moving! At my last session my goal was just that, to be able to get myself up and moving without help. I reached that goal with flying colours. My new goal, in which I have three weeks to accomplish, is to be able to walk, still with my zimmer, to one end of the room and back, without assistance. In my world, outside of the Physio room, it means that in theory I will be able to take myself to my downstairs toilet (and regain a little of my dignity in the process). It’s a challenge that I accept.

And tonight, I finally managed to get my foot into my Converse! The swelling has finally gone down so I can be rid of spectacularly ugly black shoe.

All of todays events I know are positive, they show that I am making progress. I fully understand that. So why do they not make me feel any happier? I don’t feel positive.
I don’t want to be trying to walk, I just want to be ale to walk.
I don’t want to have to try and sleep, I just want to be able to curl up, forget about my worries and sleep soundly.
I don’t want to have this urge to cry all of the time bubbling away inside of me.

I can’t break down in front my children, I refuse.
I can’t cry in front of my friends, I’m just not that person.

I hate this, I really really hate it. The frame is working a miracle on my bones and for that I am grateful. However, I can’t help but ask, at what price? My bones might be fixing but I feel like I’m breaking.

Honesty Time

People automatically ask how you are, it’s just what you do isn’t it? No matter what the situation, you ask how someone is. It’s human nature.
I’m too afraid to answer with anything other than ‘I’m ok’
If I admit that I’m not ok then I might just fall apart and if I fall apart and cry then I might not be able to stop. What happens if I can’t stop? I have to be strong, I have to be coping.

Well it’s honesty time. I’m not doing ok. I’m not strong and I’m not ok. I am really struggling and quite frankly I have no idea how to get myself up. Every day I feel more frustrated. Every night I dread having to try and sleep.
I’m fed up with sounding so miserable all of the time.
Apparently it gets easier, I can’t see it at the moment. I feel like I am living in pure hell.

I have always said I am a big believer in everything happening for a reason, and I still believe that, however I am yet to find why this had to happen to me, to my family. It’s just not fair. I don’t know how to find the answers that are there.

Now I’m going to go, scream and cry my heart out and hope that tomorrow the sun shines, even just a little bit.