I’m a Runner

As the time draws nearer to the anniversary of that day the same feelings return to the pit of my stomach. It’s peculiar as I don’t so much think about the actual accident itself, the memories that shadow my thoughts now are of the days after. The look on friends and families faces when they came to visit, the fear in my sons’ eyes, the inability to scoop them up and cuddle them and promise that it would all be ok. Will the memories ever fade? Will I ever get to a point that the day will pass and I won’t remember? The boys have no recollection of the aftermath of Mummy living in the front room or of Nicholas (the cage), Charleigh’s memories have become faded with time, for these facts I am grateful as their minds are so young and pure and I don’t want them filled with bad, only the good.

I sometimes think that only I will ever remember the true moments from that time. Perhaps a little part of me will always be filled with it, but I will learn to keep that door closed.

I am determined to use this frustrated energy though and put it to good and not let is turn into a wasted emotion. I think we are all capable of directing our emotions onto a path of our own choosing. Our destiny is ours to make of what we will.

It is true that that time is a healer and despite the door to the dark side being slightly ajar at present, I can see the positives that have come out of something awful and I will try and focus on those.

The main positive being my desire to run. My training is well under way for the half marathon madness that I signed up for! I am stronger, physically and mentally, than I ever thought possible. I am learning to push myself to limits I once only ever thought would be out of reach.
These legs, despite the lumps, bumps and metal, are doing me proud.
James and I took part in the London Winter 10km run last weekend as part of my training plan. Surrounded by the beautiful sights of London down at South Bank, polar bears offering hugs (I kid you not) and the cold, cold air, we set off. I wanted to complete it in 55 minutes – a target that meant I had to push myself harder than ever before. At 5km the cold was hurting, at 7km I wasn’t even convinced I would finish the course and a 9km I knew I wouldn’t stop. With the encouragement of James next to me, my amazing trainer’s (the actual person, not my footwear!) voice in my head ‘think results’ and with a deep determination I didn’t even realise I had,  I completed it in 54:40.
I shed tears of absolute happiness at the end and traveled home on a cloud of delight (with a well-earned Costa Coffee in hand!). I do have a confession though, at the end of the 10km a realisation hit me that when it came to the half marathon I would in theory have to run that again. To say I was a little struck by fear would be an accurate description. How on earth am I ever going to run 13 miles? Although this time last year I wouldn’t have even been able to run 5km let alone 10km so things can only get better. I won’t use the work ‘easier’ as there is nothing easy about this. My legs are not what they were, there is weakness and metal that aggravates – but they are the only ones I have so I can either give in to ache, or fight and work against in the desire to succeed. (medical disclaimer : I am not doing anything that will cause me injury, if at any point there was pain other than that caused by hard work I wouldn’t push it, I am being sensible)

So happy! x

So happy! x

Well earned sit down :)

Well earned sit down 🙂

Told you ;)

Told you 😉

I am lucky to have had people come into my life because of this journey, some of whom I wouldn’t have got through some very dark days without. The internet gets bad press but without it I wouldn’t have found support in strangers when I most needed to connect with someone who knew exactly what I was going through. I know I have mentioned it in a previous blog but I would have been lost without the people I talked to who had the Ilizarov frame at the same time as me. From the USA, South Africa, UK – you helped me when I felt alone, angry, fearful, sad …. I am looking forward to meeting up with (some of) the Ilizarov Forum crew this weekend – you guys all rock!

Sometimes I forget that that there are actually people out there reading this. This is just my little therapeutic bubble, so I am still a little shocked when I get a response from someone other than friends or family. I received a lovely email recently from a lady who is on her own journey and facing battles that I only know too well.

To think that my words and my journey may help someone just a little is truly overwhelming.

Moving Forward ….. In More Ways Than One

Sat here this morning I was waiting for my Mum to get my bowl of warm water, toiletries and such so that I could wash and get dressed. I am lucky in that I can do it all myself, right down to stretching my big cotton bloomers over Nicholas!!
It reminded me of my Carer days. I was a Carer was a short while looking after the elderly in their homes. I had to help them wash etc on a daily basis and some of them were quite angry and resented you being there. Only now am I getting an insight as to what their lives were like. Unlike me, they weren’t going to get better, this was their life and for them it was often humiliating to have a twenty-something help them wash and dress. I can see the funny side of yelling at Mum, ‘flannel please’ … ‘you forgot the toothpaste’. But if this was forever, I can see how it would be a bitter pill to swallow.

Today was the day that I decided to face the scene of the accident for the first time.
We had other things to do as well and on the way in the car I actually forgot that we were going there first. When realisation hit that it was where we were headed I inevitably started to feel anxious. Coming round the corner to where it happened the tears came. We parked and walked (wheeled in my case) to where it actually happened and I relived it. I cried as I remembered different aspects of it, the pain, the fear, the total lack of any human compassion from her, the amazing kindness of strangers and I cried for what has been lost. We talked about how pointless and avoidable the whole accident was. Actually seeing the road again and the point of impact made it really hit home how in the wrong she was. I am even more clear in my mind what I did that day and how I didn’t stand a chance. But wherever blame does or does not lie, I didn’t deserve to be left there, in pain and unable to move.
However, as I cried I told myself that I was crying away the bitterness and the anger. I wont ever forget but it wont rule my life. I’m not sure I am ready to forgive but today was about facing what has happened, after all no-one can change the past but most of all it was about moving forward and forward I went.

I went for a lovely lunch with my Mum and James and then onto my first Physio appointment.
We went through the rigmarole of what had happened, what I could and couldn’t do, what exercises I was already doing. Everything was looking positive as the movement in my ankles is good and with regular exercises things can only get better.
Then came the moment that I surprised even myself.
I explained that so far all I had managed to do was stand with the zimmer and perform an awkward three shuffle move with James’ help.
We made our way over to the long white fixed Physio bars. I stood ….. I walked ….. from one end
to the other! Full weight through my right leg, no weight on the left and no pain! I am so proud of myself. I actually did it! The bars are very different from the zimmer but the psychological element of ‘you can’t walk on your broken leg’ vanished. It has been replaced with ‘you CAN do this! Have faith’
Maybe some of my little prayers have been answered.
Over the next two weeks I have to practice getting my balance right standing up with zimmer and getting my weight forward and then progressing to being able to take small steps with it.

All of those little steps have turned into a giant leap and it feels brilliant.

For the first time since May 12th I feel honestly happy and inside it feels like I have found a small piece of the ‘old’ Kerry again.

I am not one to give up and if I want something I work to get it.

I want to walk and walk I will.

Good Advice & Good Friends

Last night was one of the hardest. I couldn’t sleep at all, impossible to get comfortable no matter what I tried. I spent most of the time in tears feeling so angry and bitter. I can’t blame nightmares as sleep didn’t come for me to have any. Subsequently this morning I totally broke down and was as close to a full blown panic attack without actually having one, and all at the worst possible time. James was trying to get three children fed, washed and dressed and all I could do was sit on my bed and cry and wail. I called my wonderful Mummy No2 (aka Mother in Law) who came over earlier than planned to help with the madness. It’s horrible after being such independent and together person so suddenly be able to fall apart so easily and have to ask for help. That is one of the hardest things. But we got through it and I was thankful for my hospital appointment today. It meant that I had to get dressed and leave the house and focus on something else. It was the best medicine.

The drive to the hospital made me feel quite emotional. Last time I made that journey was in an ambulance, in horrific pain and extremely scared. We went up to the ward to collect a letter and It still felt like my safe place. It was good to see the nurses who had looked after me so well. In a really peculiar way I will miss them. Is that strange? They played such a big part in a event that I won’t forget ever, I feel as though somehow there will always a little bit of their love and kindness in me.
So now I am sporting a funky purple removable cast on my left leg. I was finally able to see the wounds, I have a small scar on the right, approx 2 inches, and a larger one on the left about double the size. My surgeon is very happy with how I am progressing and was surprised that I could move my right foot independently. It’s undoubtedly gives me strength to hear that. I am, despite my own annoying self doubt moving forward.
I also met someone at the hospital who had similar injuries to me but on opposite legs and his fixator had been removed. It felt good to see someone that much further on and see them genuinely happy and recovered.

This is just a bad episode, I will get better.

Over the last few days I have received some amazing comments and words of advice and wisdom from friends and family. But also from people who have never met me and who only know of me because of this blog or through mutual friends on Facebook. Some of their words have truly touched my heart and given me a new found determination. If they can have faith in me and believe that I can do this then surely I can. It’s not that my family haven’t been amazing and supportive, of course they have. But with family it’s what you do naturally, support your own. I can’t let them down I won’t, I have to do this.

But I have made a decision that to move on I need to let go of the anger and bitterness that is currently eating me up inside and slowly tearing me apart. I know it’s still early days, the accident was less than three weeks ago, but I need to start to face what’s happened and really move on, for my sake as well as everyone else. I don’t want my children to see me how I was this morning again.
Tomorrow James, my Mum and I are going to go to the scene of the accident. I keep seeing it in my head and a wave of panic comes over me, my heart beats too fast and I feel that sense of dread. But the sooner I face it, with the people who keep me strong, then I really do believe I will be able to see past the horror of what has happened and look to future.

James is going to sleep downstairs with me tonight. He is my rock, if anyone can keep the bad away it’s him.

Up She Gets ….. Down She Goes

Firstly apologies to my Facebook friends, the novice that I am didn’t realise that my entires were automatically posted on there and I was posting them too! We live and learn ……..

Today has been a day mixed with feelings of great achievement and also of grief.

To get from bed to chair/commode to bed etc I have been bum shuffling from one to the other. Every day since Thursday I have been practising standing up on my zimmer frame. Today I finally managed to take a step!!! Well three actually but hey! I was sat on my chair wanting to get back into bed and using my zimmer I stood and, with James’ help, was able to turn the frame a little at a time and move my right leg whilst using my arms to take the weight of my body on the frame. Eventually after what seemed like a life time I was able to sit on the bed and bum shuffle back into place.
It was such a feeling that I don’t quite know to describe it. It felt exhilarating to know that I could do it. Despite everyone saying that it would come in time I don’t think I actually believed it until I did it. I can now see ahead and see that given time, practice and perseverance I will be able to walk with Nicholas. It won’t be easy and it will be painful, physically and emotionally, getting there but I will do it.

Another stroke of luck is that the Red Cross phoned and we were able to swap the wheel chair for a thinner one. This means that it now fits through all of our door ways without James having to do any DIY on the door frames. (cue sigh of relief!)
So into the chair I got and made my way around my house and into the conservatory for the first time in over two weeks. On the way I joked about the state of the kitchen and the play room. This was half tongue in cheek due to my ‘Monica’ tidy tendencies but also to try and cover up my nervousness. It was scary if I am totally honest. A bit similar to when I first came home. I knew what I was going to see but I’m looking at it all from a totally set of eyes. What can I get to, what can do I do, where do I fit? I don’t feel as though I fit in my home anymore. I feel like an outsider looking in and intruding on someone else’ life.

But sat in my sun filled conservatory I was able to see my two naked little boys running round in the sun, slashing in the pool, laughing and being the happy little guys that I know them to be. That has by far been the highlight of my day.

Sitting in my bed and hearing my family all around the house and the garden having fun and laughing is very difficult. To not just be able to go and join is sheer torture. To hear the laughter but not know what is causing it, to hear the chatter but not sure of the words. I don’t think I will get used to it and nor do I think I should have to. No mother should have to listen to her children having fun and not be able to join in.

So despite the huge step forward, literally, today, I feel as though it has been over shadowed by the frustration and anger that I am feeling today. And that I itself annoys me because I don’t want to be negative. Vicious circle. But quite simply I don’t deserve this and I am spitefully bitter about it today. I think that that woman should be made to face what she has done.

Charleigh has been amazing as always. My little ‘Nurse Charleigh’ can’t do enough for me. During a weepy moment earlier she suddenly appeared with her mobile phone and she started to play songs that she and I normally sing at the top of our voices and dance too. Before long I was smiling and laughing and enjoying a moment with my daughter that I don’t think I will ever forget.

The boys are still very confused. They still won’t cuddle me, they won’t come onto the bed (although they will now come up to the edge so I guess they are getting better). When I was sat in the conservatory, Henry didn’t understand why I couldn’t go out into the garden and play. We have two large steps leading down. Quite impossible at the moment. That was heart breaking and I had to go as I couldn’t stand it. I cried for the majority of the afternoon.
At bed time they ask for me but I cannot go up to them. I cannot tuck them in. I cannot see them snuggle and get ready for their Sweet dreams.

This is where the comes. I really do feel as though I am grieving for the things that I used to do without thinking. You don’t realise how much you really take for granted when you are totally able bodied.

Tonight there will be tears, they are here already, but if I shed them tonight along with today’s anger, they can be gone for tomorrow, a new day and one closer to recovery.

The End Of The Day

So my first day back at home after two weeks is coming to a close. It has flown by! Sitting in the front room of your own home is, unsurprisingly, more comfortable and relaxing than a hospital room with four blank walls and a plastic floor.

It has been glorious sunshine and even though I haven’t been able to enjoy it it hasn’t mattered, being surrounded by my beautiful family is all I need right now. Already I feel more at ease with my legs and being unable to walk. I don’t feel any panic in sight and my heart isn’t trying to escape out of my chest any more. I can breathe easy.

As always though the nights are still my thorn. Sleep doesn’t come easily to me. Trying to get comfortable is somewhat of a challenge with Nicholas (the ‘cage’) on one leg and the other moving around in a cast that is now too big. The cast on my left leg is only a temporary half cast after the surgery to allow time for the swelling to go down. It’s now too big meaning my leg moves and it’s rubbing on the right side of my ankle. I think this is where they must have opened the leg to pin my ankle. I am back on Monday to have a new fibre glass cast put on so hope that things will be a little easier then.
It sounds bizarre to me to be talking about things being easier! I have two broken legs, nothing about this is easy. But all we can do is make life as comfortable as possible.

It’s been peculiar today sat here on my bed in the living room. It’s going to take a lot of getting used to, not just being able to get up and nip into another room. Once I tried to get out and then suddenly remembered that I can’t. It shocked me when this happened as how can I possibly forget?? Wishful thinking maybe that as my son is crying just feet away after tripping over my zimmer frame I cannot go and comfort him. And nor does he want to come to me instead preferring the arms of my Mum. I don’t blame either of course as we, Henry and I, are both lucky to have my Mum here.

No matter how old I am, no matter what happens I always want my Mum. And without fail or hesitation she is there for me every time. I think that at the moment only she has the slightest recognition of the feelings I am facing. She broke her leg many years ago before there was the wonder that is the Ilizarov Fixator (my Nicholas) and was in traction for weeks in hospital. She had to say goodbye me to more than I have had to to my children so that is a blessing.

So as the moon appears and we draw our curtains on the day, My thoughts turn to the night ahead. I pray only that the nightmares stay away, for just tonight at least. As bitter as it sounds, and I hope I don’t always feel this way, but I hope that that woman is feeling some heartache over what she has done and I hope that her calm is disrupted by the damage that she has caused. I am not ready to forgive as I certainly cannot forget.

Home Sweet Home

Well here I am, sat in my newly arranged front room, in the spare bed, writing this blog entry on my new iPad. What a difference 24 hours can make!

I’ve had some very poignant visitors over the last 24 hours.
The first came last night, the paramedic who came to the scene when the accident happened. That day he was my saviour! I was so pleased to see him and touched that he had taken the time to visit. He doesn’t often have to go to the hospital and specifically looked me up as he was there. He was surprised that my injuries were this bad as they are and along with everyone is shocked attheevents that unfolded that day. (And the small world that it is, one of my best friends is his wife’s personal trainer!)
The second was the lady who called the paramedics on that day, looked after Charleigh and along with her husband was able to identify the driver. Again, I was ever so grateful for her visit. We spoke of that day and I learnt things that I wasn’t aware of at the time. One being that as I was quite clearly lying the floor injured (before someone was sensible and nice enough to block the road) other drivers still continued to try and drive around me despite others trying to divert them, and were trying to park their cars! Honestly, after this whole story, I’m not sure the human race can shock me any more.

Before leaving the hospital I had my first shower in two weeks. It was wonderful to feel the hot water running over me. I may have been sat on a plastic chair, my legs wrapped in black bags and taped shut and with James stood next to me waiting to pass over shampoo and conditioner, but it was the best feeling. I felt as though I was cleaning away the last two weeks in preparation to going home to my family, ready to start the next stage of my journey.

Leaving the hospital was a very surreal experience. Two weeks doesn’t seem like a long time, but being in an environment like that, totally dependant on other people, it has a huge affect on you mentally and emotionally. As they were wheeling me through the ward to leave and all of the nurses were saying goodbye and wishing me well, it shocked me that I felt the lump in my throat and the tears in my eyes. It felt as though I were saying goodbye to friends. I might not see these people again and I’m sure that over time I will forget their names and faces, however I won’t ever forget what part they have played in this journey. I have the upmost respect for them and the gratitude I feel towards them won’t ever leave me.

What will stay with me is the faces of children as I pulled up outside my house. Charleigh jumping up and down in the doorway with a poster and my boys in the window waving furiously. I held back the tears coming into my house, this was a happy time and I wanted my children to see it as that. They don’t understand tears of joy. I was suddenly engulfed in a chorus of ‘mummy big bed’ ‘mummy back’ ‘mummy broke leg’ I am amazed at how much more they are talking now, two weeks in the life of a two year is such a long time.
Archie is quite content with me and I had beautiful cuddles. Henry however is still unsure and we are going to have to build back our relationship. He has a sensitive soul and takes everything to heart and my absence has had a huge affect on him and our bond and relationship. I can’t say I’m ok with it because I’m not. It is heartbreaking and totally devastating that my little baby is too confused to show me any emotion. As a parent you do whatever you can to protect your children, and even though this isn’t my fault, I feel distraught that he is going through this because of something that has happened to me.

I am nervous about being at home now and how things are going to work out. I have butterflies and think sleep will come slowly tonight but the relief to be here is immense. I am back where I belong and whatever the future holds, together with my amazing family and friends I am confident that I can face it with a new found courage and belief in myself.

Home Is In Sight

I think the nurses have pretty much had enough of me being here as much as I have of being here. I don’t mean it in a bad way at all, apart from the one, the nurses here have been amazing, but there isn’t a lot more for them to do for me. Nothing that between James and I we can’t do at home. I can almost feel it, being at home, the smell of my own things, surrounded by ow my belongings. Being able to look at the pictures on the wall, drink tea out of my mug. I cannot wait.Hopefully today if not tomorrow. Being able to watch my boys run around and hear Charleigh crashing through the front door after school. It’s funny the little things that you miss. But hidden between the excitement and joy of seeing home in sight, is a bit of nervousness and trepidation. After being in hospital for such a long time after such injuries you become almost institutionalised. You become accustomed quickly to having nurses and doctors just a button press away, the comfort of knowing that should anything happen or go wrong they are at hand. The fact that I am unable to walk makes me nervous even though we have all of the equipment ready at home that I have here. I am sure it will take a while to get used to being there again. And emotionally, the last time I left home I was going shopping with my daughter to buy ingredients for Fajita’s so we could have a fun evening as a family watching BGT! But I didn’t come back. And now I am going home, I have two broken legs and emotions that I never knew existed in me. It’s going to be hard but it’s one step that I am looking forward to taking. The day I finally do get home is where the journey really starts to healing as a family.

Heartbreak & Anger

Heartbreak is your daughter coming to see you for the first time in a week and then having to say goodbye.
Heartbreak is your 2 year old sons calling you and saying ‘good night mummy’ ‘see you soon mummy’ and kissing the phone.
Heartbreak is wanting nothing more than a cuddle from your husband and not being to just roll over and take it.
I hate the woman for what she has done to me. I want to turn my hate into something positive but tonight I am struggling. I feel so full of anger I am shaking. I did nothing to deserve this yet here I am, suffering and I just don’t understand it. And the stupid cow that did this to me has no remorse what so ever. In her mind, you can run over another innocent human being and then just do nothing. Tonight I cannot stop thinking about that and it’s hard. It isn’t helping that me and The Cage are not getting on today. It’s too big and too metal and just frankly annoying the hell out of me. Angry post finished.

Tears of Happiness

I slept awfully last night. My legs keep going into spasms where the muscles and tendons etc were damaged and are repairing themselves. It’s awfully painful when it happens but I can have diazipan when it does and it takes affect quite quickly.So being woken by the Physio at 8.45am didn’t fill me with joy (does it ever? There seems to be be a common theme appearing here!) She was happy that I had managed to get my splint pushing my foot into an almost perfect 90 degree angle, painful process but moving a little bit at a time has worked brilliantly. Anyhow, she suggested I try and stand with my zimmer. Last time it was a total disaster, I just couldn’t do it physically or mentally. Mentally I couldn’t get my brain to accept that I could put weight through the leg. Physically my leg and foot weren’t strong enough after everything that had happened. But got the zimmer she did and stood I did!!! I was upright, standing, holding onto my zimmer for about a minute before I was light headed and needed to sit back down. I cannot even begin to explain the emotions running through me at that point. Amazement, happiness, pride, astonishment, shock … the list could go on and on. I cried but they were most certainly tears of joy. I was able to see that I am on my way to walking which before today had seemed too far away to even contemplate. This time last week I still had shattered bones and was away on a fantastic cocktail of drugs. Yet here I am today standing! All of these little steps are starting to add up. I immediately called James to share my excitement! I was greeted with the sound of two little boys causing mayhem in the house and one tired husband after being up since 6am!! He was of course undoubtedly happy and proud. I got to talk to my little men on the phone too. The first time in four days since I’ve heard their voices and it was amazing …….. ‘Hello Mummy’ To hear your children calling for you and not being able to reach them is one of the most difficult thing a parent can go through. Heartbreaking doesn’t even begin to explain it. Of course once the phone call ended there were tears of sadness. Stay strong my babies, every day Mummy is one step closer to coming home to you. I’m not an overly religious person but I do believe in something. I had my children Christened and I wanted to be married in a Church, it was just important to me. I don’t read the bible and I certainly don’t live my life by it. But I find it hard to believe that we are just born, we live and then we die. For me there has to be something more. I found it very difficult to come to terms with my Step-Father’s death last year and I met with our vicar to talk it through and she prayed for me and my family. I took a lot of strength from that and her words. For the first time last night since the accident I prayed. I don’t think that my prayers will just be answered, you make things happen by your own doing and will power. But I felt better having asked whatever is up there to help me maintain my own strength to get through this. I’m not a believer in fate as such, you achieve your own luck in life by the choices and decisions that you make. But at the same time I do believe that things happen for a reason, maybe to give you the chance to re-look at your life and take a different path. For me this accident has made my little family of James and the children all the stronger. I was struggling with being a stay at home Mum and felt as though I was being punished as I would never had chosen that for myself but having twins meant that financially it was the only viable option. But now I am sat here wanting nothing more than to be with them every day all day and cuddle them and kiss them and hear them talk, shout, cry, moan. It’s made me take stock and realise how lucky I am to have what I do and I never want to waste another moment. Bad things happen to good people but good can come out of it, you just have to find it.

Small Steps Build Up

Things are all coming together nicely today but I feel like I’m ending it on a really sour note when really I should be feeling happy.

From last night I’ve had no catheter and have been able to move around via a very attractive bum shuffle from bed to chair/commode and back to bed. I’ve managed to increase the time I can spend in a chair to about an hour. My left leg has to stay elevated so prevent swelling, my cage stays down with my foot on the floor. It doesn’t actually hurt as such but after a while the pins in and around my ankle tug and ache and it just becomes very uncomfortable. It’s really weird having to get used to sitting in a chair. Something you do every day in one shape or form and now suddenly it’s one hurdle of many that I need to get over.
Today is the first day that I haven’t had to have a top up of morphine in between my regular pain killers so that is a really good sign that everything is starting to settle.
I have been having to have diazipan to settle spasms in my legs and I have only needed that once today. So all in all things are looking good on the pain front.

I had the physio again today and I have some exercises that I need to do with my right foot and leg to keep the muscles and ligaments supple. I won’t lie, they hurt, a lot. But I need to do them to be able to build up the strength to enable me to walk with my zimmer frame. I am a few weeks off of it yet and so far I can only put enough weight on the leg to get me from the chair to bed, so literally one small step. I will build it up though. I have a funky wheelchair at home so I won’t be house bound.

Having something traumatic happen to you really makes you take stock and see what you have. I miss the children so much it physically hurts and I feel horrible that because of me (not intentionally I know) both James and I have been pulled away from them out of nowhere. I know that I have been the main priority and the kids have been so well looked after by friends and family but I feel so guilty about it. Now that I am in a better place physically and emotionally I told James that tomorrow and Friday it would be a good idea for him to be home for 3pm so that Charleigh can go home after school and have some Daddy/Daughter time and they can pick the boys up. I think she needs to know that she hasn’t been forgotten about and that whatever else is going on she is still important. How things are affecting her weighs heavily on me.

I don’t think I’ll be home this weekend even though I wanted so desperately to be. The hospital are ready to see the back of me but we just don’t have the equipment at home yet and it’s just not safe. However much I want to be home I refuse to go until I know that I won’t end up back here because of any accidents. OT is going round tomorrow though so it’s all in hand. I am still holding hope that it could all be in place for Friday but I am preparing myself for Monday.

And so onto the sour note …. I have been very frustrated today. I feel as though I’ve had this ball knotted in my stomach. I have wanted to scream and basically just have a tantrum! I have been extremely horrible to be around I’m sure. I am normally a very proactive, busy person and so to suddenly be stuck in this bed relying on other people to do everything isn’t just horrible it’s soul destroying. Unless you have been in this situation I don’t think you can fully understand what it’s like. When I need the toilet I need to tell someone, when I need a wash I need to tell someone, when I need more water I need to tell someone. I know it’s going to be like this for a few weeks yet and I will get used to it, today I just found it hard.
I have been snapping at James all day and I know he’s upset and I hate myself for it. He has been amazing and doesn’t deserve me being so horrible. He’s gone through this every step of the way with me without a second thought and it’s bound to take it’s toll. I worry that he takes it all on and that no-one is there for him. If he’s there for me, who’s there for him?

When I look back at the last nine days I am amazed at how far I’ve come and how I have found an inner strength inside me that I didn’t know I had. It’s hard when you hear everyone telling you how proud they are of you, it’s often hard to see/feel it, but today I think I’ve had a glimpse at what they see.
All of the small steps I am taking day by day are slowly building up to big steps.
And just for you James, my gorgeous amazing husband, I love you