Feeling Claustrophobic

Before the accident I used to have Wednesday’s to myself when the boys were at nursery. I didn’t do anything exciting with my day, I normally caught up on housework, Phoenix things or any other odd jobs that were just easier to do without the boys.

Since the accident I haven’t had more than an hour to myself and it is starting to make me feel very claustrophobic.

Every time I need or want something I have to ask for it. Yes I am getting more mobile but it is still impossible for me to fetch my own food or drink. It’s tricky trying to carry something around whilst needing to use crutches.
I cannot shower or wash my hair without someone’s help (and having to drive to someone’s else’s house first).
If the boys are having a meltdown or need a cuddle I can’t pick them up but at the same time I cannot walk away either. If they chose to have a tantrum next to my chair there isn’t a lot I can do about it. I am totally stuck.
I’m having vitamins and drinks and nutrients given to me numerous times during the day and I know they are for the better, they are helping me, but I just feel totally out of control of everything. What if just for one day I don’t want to pouring things down my throat?
My life doesn’t feel my own anymore. Everyone else seems to know what’s best for me, I feel like I’ve lost the right to say no, I seem to have lost my voice.

I cannot even sleep when I’m tired unless I take a tablet, and that didn’t even work as I lay there awake until 4am. When I did finally fall asleep I was woken by a daughter getting told off for not getting ready to for school. The lack of sleep brings with it a headache that appears to have set in for the day.

I’m feeling suffocated by it all and just want to run away.

So writing this I am sat in bed at almost 1pm. I don’t want to go downstairs so I’m not, I just can’t be bothered if I am honest. I am quite comfortable and happy in bed so why should I go downstairs? Because it’s apparently better for me? Well today I am going to decide what’s best for me and to begin with it’s staying right here watching old episodes of The OC.

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Energy Zapping

I made a huge step forward today, quite literally with my zimmer frame, and it wiped me our for the rest of the day!

I have been putting weight through my right leg to help me get from bed to chair and in and out of the car without any problem. When I had my Physio session almost two weeks ago I was able to walk forward using the bars, again without any problems. But at home, with the zimmer frame, I have been hitting a brick wall. I either cannot get to a standing position or I cannot move forward once I am up. I forget to breathe and a blanket of absolute fear envelopes me. There have been a few comedy moments between James and I yelling at each other over the silver bars!
However, when getting myself into the car this morning and putting full weight through my leg and manoeuvring myself successfully into place, James said that my only issue with the frame is fear. I need to have more confidence in it and myself.
Not one to be beaten I took his words in and found a new determination.

Rising from my wheelchair to a full standing position, remembering to breathe, remembering that the frame was going to help me, I took three steps forward, without fear, without help.
Being able to do it has given me encouragement to want to do it again and again. If I can increase the distance by a step every day I will be able to walk to my kitchen into time.
This time four weeks ago I was on a cold floor in pain and scared. Now I am learning to walk again and I feel excited. I shouldn’t be going through this but I have no choice. I have to get up and have to move forward in every possible way.

The excitement of walking took it’s toll though and my leg was soon throbbing and I was overwhelmed with tiredness and needed to give in to sleep. Two and a half dreamless hours later I am writing this.
I have to take this opportunity to apologise to Rachel for missing the birthday party because of my inability to stay awake this afternoon. Sorry darling xxx

My eating habits and appetite at present are similar to when I was pregnant. I need to eat little and often. If I let my stomach become too empty I become nauseas and before long its game over. As if I’m not going through enough trying to deal with two broken legs my stomach is having it’s own argument with me as well!

Tonight my Mum is taking the children to her house for a sleepover, giving James a well deserved rest and us both some time together. Life is so busy now, not just with visitors but everything that me being injured has bought upon us. I’m not sure either of us has really let it sink in what has actually happened and it has affected us all. I’m not sure if it ever will.

Happy Jubilee

One of the good things to come out of the accident is it bringing lots of old friends to visit!
I have been feeling very disappointed that I have had to sit back and watch all of the Jubilee celebrations pass me by, such a momentous occasion and I haven’t participated at all.
But on reflection I have had a lovely weekend. I have been visited by some old friends that I haven’t seen in many years, enjoyed a lovely family dinner and today I have spent quality time with an amazing friend whilst our boys ran around happy and smiling. The whole weekend has revolved around good food and a few cheeky glasses of wine. Good times are what you make them and despite the legs, I can look back on the Jubilee with happy memories.

Even though we have two very energetic little boys, I fear the house will feel quiet for the next couple of days. My Mummy has gone home until the weekend and on her way has taken Charleigh to her Godmothers house for a mini break. I love having my Mum here, it’s at times like this that I really regret moving away. She is the most amazing person. Nothing is too much trouble, she just comes and does anything and everything that needs doing without a second thought. She is exactly what you need in a time if crisis. Love you Mummy x

My legs are feeling very sore today, I like to think that it is my bones mending, but I have to admit that it’s also likely due to being as busy as I have been. Not only does it take great effort physically to get in and out of the house and car but sitting in a chair all day (as opposed to the bed) has the same affect on my body today as a full day of being on my feet looking after my family would have had four weeks ago. It’s a different tiredness though. At the moment I can feel it creeping through me like snake, taking over my being, unwanted, yet so fierce I cannot do anything but give in to it. One the one hand I know that rest helps the healing, but to me it’s a whole new experience that is taking time to adjust to. I used to long for days when I could just sit undisturbed, now I want nothing more than to be running after my boys and playing taxi to Charleigh’s social life.

I am almost halfway through the journey with the left leg. It’s been almost three weeks since the operation which is really hard to believe. There is still a long road ahead for Nicholas and I though and at the moment it feels as though time has slowed. I can almost hear every second tick by in slow motion. The weight is bearing down, not just on my leg from the Fixator itself, but on my heart. I am on a path that I don’t want to be on, yet I know I have to take it and being thrown along with me are the people that I love and care for the most. A certain amount of guilt comes with that and it can be hard to accept.

As I write this my boys are playing happily together, the loving brothers that they are, chatting away in a land of make believe. The innocence of children is a wonderful thing, the whole world and life is just a huge adventure! I love watching my children grow and shine knowing that there is a little bit of me in them 🙂 I love being a Mum more than anything in the world.