I’m a Runner

As the time draws nearer to the anniversary of that day the same feelings return to the pit of my stomach. It’s peculiar as I don’t so much think about the actual accident itself, the memories that shadow my thoughts now are of the days after. The look on friends and families faces when they came to visit, the fear in my sons’ eyes, the inability to scoop them up and cuddle them and promise that it would all be ok. Will the memories ever fade? Will I ever get to a point that the day will pass and I won’t remember? The boys have no recollection of the aftermath of Mummy living in the front room or of Nicholas (the cage), Charleigh’s memories have become faded with time, for these facts I am grateful as their minds are so young and pure and I don’t want them filled with bad, only the good.

I sometimes think that only I will ever remember the true moments from that time. Perhaps a little part of me will always be filled with it, but I will learn to keep that door closed.

I am determined to use this frustrated energy though and put it to good and not let is turn into a wasted emotion. I think we are all capable of directing our emotions onto a path of our own choosing. Our destiny is ours to make of what we will.

It is true that that time is a healer and despite the door to the dark side being slightly ajar at present, I can see the positives that have come out of something awful and I will try and focus on those.

The main positive being my desire to run. My training is well under way for the half marathon madness that I signed up for! I am stronger, physically and mentally, than I ever thought possible. I am learning to push myself to limits I once only ever thought would be out of reach.
These legs, despite the lumps, bumps and metal, are doing me proud.
James and I took part in the London Winter 10km run last weekend as part of my training plan. Surrounded by the beautiful sights of London down at South Bank, polar bears offering hugs (I kid you not) and the cold, cold air, we set off. I wanted to complete it in 55 minutes – a target that meant I had to push myself harder than ever before. At 5km the cold was hurting, at 7km I wasn’t even convinced I would finish the course and a 9km I knew I wouldn’t stop. With the encouragement of James next to me, my amazing trainer’s (the actual person, not my footwear!) voice in my head ‘think results’ and with a deep determination I didn’t even realise I had,  I completed it in 54:40.
I shed tears of absolute happiness at the end and traveled home on a cloud of delight (with a well-earned Costa Coffee in hand!). I do have a confession though, at the end of the 10km a realisation hit me that when it came to the half marathon I would in theory have to run that again. To say I was a little struck by fear would be an accurate description. How on earth am I ever going to run 13 miles? Although this time last year I wouldn’t have even been able to run 5km let alone 10km so things can only get better. I won’t use the work ‘easier’ as there is nothing easy about this. My legs are not what they were, there is weakness and metal that aggravates – but they are the only ones I have so I can either give in to ache, or fight and work against in the desire to succeed. (medical disclaimer : I am not doing anything that will cause me injury, if at any point there was pain other than that caused by hard work I wouldn’t push it, I am being sensible)

So happy! x

So happy! x

Well earned sit down :)

Well earned sit down 🙂

Told you ;)

Told you 😉

I am lucky to have had people come into my life because of this journey, some of whom I wouldn’t have got through some very dark days without. The internet gets bad press but without it I wouldn’t have found support in strangers when I most needed to connect with someone who knew exactly what I was going through. I know I have mentioned it in a previous blog but I would have been lost without the people I talked to who had the Ilizarov frame at the same time as me. From the USA, South Africa, UK – you helped me when I felt alone, angry, fearful, sad …. I am looking forward to meeting up with (some of) the Ilizarov Forum crew this weekend – you guys all rock!

Sometimes I forget that that there are actually people out there reading this. This is just my little therapeutic bubble, so I am still a little shocked when I get a response from someone other than friends or family. I received a lovely email recently from a lady who is on her own journey and facing battles that I only know too well.

To think that my words and my journey may help someone just a little is truly overwhelming.

A Little Deep …….

So, after 48 hours of tears and despair and asking, numerous times and in may different ways, why did this have to happen? …… I have finally realised that actually, I have known the answers all along.
I have had conversations with two amazing people today.
They have shared stories, spoken words that have touched my heart, allowed me to see their hearts, opened my eyes and helped me face the future with a new outlook.

Maybe, just maybe, I was looking at this all wrong. I was so sure that this had happened to me to teach me, to send me on the path that was meant for me. But what if actually this happened to simply stop the path I was on and to open up my future? What if my future was all laid out for me and I was just following the story I had actually set myself? What if, because of this accident and the changes that is has forced already, my future is now a blank canvas for me to make my own?
How amazing an opportunity is that?

My future is now completely my own for me to grasp with both hands.

Five weeks ago I was a stay at home Mum and Wife. My days were filled with looking after the house and the children. I felt stuck, wound up and bored with monotony of life. My husband worked long hours to support us, leaving the house before the cock crowed and returning when the babies were dreaming. Our lives were tired and worlds apart.
I prayed that he would be at home and that we could grow together.

That is just one prayer that has been answered.

He is at home and when I look back at the last five weeks I have seen the relationship between my amazing husband and our children grow and blossom into something truly beautiful. I feel closer to him now than I ever thought possible. The relationship I have with my children is now enveloped in more love I thought possible.
We, as a family, are spending time together that we would never have had, we are experiencing things together that are making us a stronger force in this world.

Yes it hurts, my days seem dark, but underneath all of that there is something beautiful appearing.
I will still cry, I will still feel helpless and this recovery will still hurt.
But my bones are mending and creating new legs to walk on.

For every ying there is a yang.
Little did I know that as I struggle to find reason, my yang has actually been waking up already seeing the spectacular opportunity that I have been given, excited about what my future could hold.
Today, the forces collided and my eyes were able to focus on a new beginning.

I still believe that there is a reason for everything, but perhaps the reason is to just start again.

Your prayers will be answered, even through the pain and tears it may bring, the answer is there!

A little deep? Maybe? But a positive outlook? Absolutely!

My legs are killing me tonight, I am as uncomfortable as I could possibly imagine, I am pissed off to hell, but I’m going to have a beer and think about what adventures my new legs will take us on ……..