So with nine weeks to go before the anniversary of ‘that day’ a new sense of anxiousness has evolved along with new worries.
My counselling is drawing to a close, I am in the process of being discharged. I have made huge progress, she has has been truly amazing. The session before last took us back to the car park to relive the event and put my few found help techniques to the test. It was quite overwhelming to actually stand there and talk through the events. But I surprised myself with my new found ability to deal with the feelings. I was no longer scared of the images or the memories. I was able to remember then but be able to look at where I am now and not be panicked.
In my session last week we spoke about the normality of feeling anxious with ‘the year’ fast approaching. I’ll be happy when it’s out the way. I think that I am going to worry so much about worrying that I am going to send myself crazy. I’ve already been getting upset at the thought of reliving the whole thing minute by minute even though I know what I need to do to get through it. But in reality, how easy is that going to be?
I don’t think it’s helping that I also saw my surgeon last week and the outcome was the need to have the metal plate removed. As we already knew, the bone has completely healed and even though the plate could potentially stay there it seems my leg has other ideas. For want of a better word it still ‘niggles’ me daily. Apparently I could have a bug in there that isn’t enough to cause a full blow infection but enough to annoy me. Because evidently I’m not annoyed enough by the scarring or the persistent ache, I need a niggling plate too! So once again I find myself on a surgical waiting list.
My case against the woman has left a bitter taste in my mouth too. We wont have a final medical prognosis (physical and mental) for another 12 months or so. Waiting doesn’t bother me as I wont settle early as once you do you cannot go back. At the very least I need to wait until the new surgery is complete. I did however ask my solicitor, in his expert opinion, if I were to recover fully what settlement could we be looking at. The answer was not heart warming. To put it simply it wasn’t even enough to cover the debt we accumulated whilst James was on sabbatical to look after me. Now, I didn’t automatically see pound signs when I had my accident, I’m not like that. However, in reality we have had huge expenses over the past ten months because of the accident and I would expect to be sufficiently compensated for that. And yes, there is another part of me that thinks actually, you know what, I didn’t deserve this, why shouldn’t I get something out it? I sure didn’t get justice from our judicial system.
It’s a horrible feeling and to be honest it feels like a black cloud over me. Not only am I still battling the physical changes to my body and learning daily new limits set silently upon me, I am now worrying about the financial hole this is going to leave us in.
My counselling has begun for my PTSD. My therapist is really lovely and luckily I find her easy to talk to. She is almost more aware of my feelings than I am and has an amazing ability to withdraw things from me that I didn’t know were lurking beneath the surface. I don’t ever expect to forget about the accident, and in a peculiar way I wouldn’t want to, however I am positive that with her help I will be able to finally process my thoughts in such a way that I will no longer be scared of them. They won’t rule my mind forever. It is a huge relief to find out that things that worry me now that aren’t directly related to what has happened are completely normal. The vulnerability I now feel just walking down the street on my own, being in a car, the fear of having to eventually drive again.
The mind is a wonderful thing but sometimes it just needs a little help.
My leg is still swelling quite considerably during the day which leaves me feeling uncomfortable. I know it’s to be expected though. The wounds are healing very well which is brilliant, I was so worried about infections. I’m managing to walk around using just one crutch and I’m being strict with my physiotherapy. One day I will walk straight with bendy ankles and without bowing knees!
Tonight I have my first date (post Nicholas) with my bath, a large glass of white wine, candles and my book (don’t panic, I have been showering, just not submerging my leg in water).
Today saw me joining Rachel and James take the boys swimming (the boys being my two troublesome monsters and their best chum Theo). Amazing is the only way to describe it. Not only did the water help my leg feel free and able, I was a part of the joy on my sons faces. I felt totally normal doing a normal family thing.
The boys still aren’t 100% for me yet but progress is being made. With every little thing I do with them I feel a step closer to normality. We have two and half weeks until James is back to work. I can’t lie and say I’m not worried because I am, very. However I am starting to gain my confidence back as a Mother. He is an amazing Dad and husband, he has been my rock since May and this time he has been able to spend with our children has been so precious and possibly the biggest positive to come from my broken bones.
But we have different ways of doing things and with us both being at home 24/7, our differences are starting to show. I am a good Mum and despite the slight uncertainty, I will be again. I feel the need to be able to spread my wings and put my stamp back on this family. I’m not an outsider anymore.
A little thought to leave this day with ….. Smile and the world will smile with you 🙂
I’ve now been without the frame for a week. Life without carrying a heap of metal attached to your leg is undoubtedly easier! Sleep has been restored and my sleep is a dreamless sanctuary once again.
Putting my jeans on every day brings a huge smile to my face. In fact I think I’ve smiled more in the past week than I have in the last five months.
Today I’ve been sitting on the floor building train sets with my boys and then we baked fairy cakes. After a long wait it feels as though I am finally getting back into my Mummy role within our family. The boys are still very much all about Daddy, all hell breaks loose if I try and put them to bed and if they are hurt it’s only Daddy cuddles that will do. James is back to work at the end of this month (thank the lord says our bank balance) and I am actually dreading it. It’s a very daunting to think I will be on my own everyday again with them. And then in the same thought I feel horrible for even worrying about it. They are my little boys, I’m supposed to be able to look after them!
But after almost five months of being broken and a by stander in your own life, you start to doubt your own capabilities.
Physio began on my right leg today. My ankle is very stiff from being held in the same position forms long with metal pins. At the moment I can happily toddle around the house without too much discomfort, however I still need the crutches for any distance (such as walking around town etc) Hopefully within the next couple of weeks I will be able to drop down to one crutch.
It really is about the small victories.
Having an Ilizarov removed is almost as hard to getting your head around having it attached.
You build yourself up to finally ‘being free’ but in reality it’s only the start of a new phase. My leg and foot swell to the size of an elephants if I’m on it too long. I didn’t think an ankle could swell so much but apparently three times the normal size is quite possible.
‘Over doing it’ results in a deep ache and a searing pain through my leg.
My big toe is still numb which is worrying me. Yet any pressure on it (small children standing on it, books dropped on it) is excruciating, much more than should be normal.
But despite the new found aches and pains and the fear of the future I feel the most optimistic I have done since the start of this journey.