Growing up I wasn’t like my friends, I never knew what I wanted to become, a teacher, a lawyer … the world was my oyster but I didn’t have a clue. I bumbled through school with no idea of what I would do when I suddenly had a choice and subsequently didn’t really do anything constructive. I went from job to job, shop worker, office manager, care assistant, learning support assistant. Somewhere in the middle I had my gorgeous Charleigh and she changed my life and suddenly gave me purpose. Whatever I did I did for her. Then I met James, married, we had our gorgeous boys and it was then that I found myself as a stay at home mum and housewife. Something that I never thought I would become or ever enjoy but nevertheless I threw myself in head first and instead of drowning I found myself swimming. My children and my home were something that I was actually good at. Yes there were bad days when I wanted to pull my hair out, but I could look at my children and my home and feel proud. That was what I was good at, where I shone.
Today I am just so angry that the one thing I was actually good at is a total impossibility now. I cant look after my house and I can’t parent my children. I know that it sounds really stupid being frustrated at not being able to clean and tidy or change a nappy or be able to deal with a two year old having a meltdown, but when it is ripped away from you it is torture. Especially when it’s still right in front you, an arms length away yet is actually a million moons away.
I’m not going to cry or shout as it won’t fix anything. My legs will still be broken and I will still be stuck on this bed watching life just rolling past not being able to actually do anything. Instead all I can do is sit here and wait for someone to bring me my toothbrush, wait for someone to bring me painkillers when I need them, wait for someone to bring me clothes to get dressed. Waiting is all i seem to be able to do. Why does it have to be so god damn hard though? My house doesn’t feel like mine anymore, I feel like a stranger.
Sorry for the miserable post, guess I’m just having a bad morning.
The smiles will return tomorrow I’m sure.