Time Ticks On

I’ve been sat here for ten minutes looking at the screen but it appears my brain had run out of words! So this blog may be a bit bitty and all over the place as I’m just going to write it as it comes.

Things have been good, I started back at the gym after a lazy break! Truth is I just never got back into the swing after our holiday and then the sun appeared so I was spending gym time in the garden! It was going really well (my return to the gym that is, not garden time, although it was rather enjoyable) I found that I was actually able to run again without any pain. I felt so amazing when I ran 4km, I was happy all the way through, right to my bones. I’m lucky that my best friend is a Personal Trainer so she helps making sure I do all of the correct stretches before and after my marathon sessions. But then, like a lightening bolt, disaster struck. My right leg became swollen and really quite painful. It now hurts to walk let alone run so once again I’m in the garden and not the gym. I know I need to call my surgeon for advice or a check up. But what can he say? Don’t over do it, take it easy, rest your legs. But I’m so fed up of resting my legs (as much as I can in-between being a housewife and full time Mum to three darlings who are on summer holidays!) I am so desperate to just be able to do normal things without a constant fear in the back of my head that I’m going to do some damage.
Maybe I just need to get over it and accept that pain is the way of life now.
I haven’t built up the courage yet to make that call.

It’s been 10 months since I had the Ilizarov removed.
Time is a peculiar thing. You can’t stop it, you can’t fast forward it, it just keeps ticking by regardless. So even though the last ten months have felt like I’ve been zooming through life on a rocket, I’ve actually been cage-less for double the time I had it attached. And time with Ole Nicholas couldn’t have been any slower without actually stopping.

Sometimes I wonder if the accident changed me as a person. Physically obviously it did, and its still taking to time realise that. I need to remember that it’s not about what I can’t do, but what I can do and how well I can do it.
But mentally, emotionally? Do I think differently? Behave differently? Am I the same person?
In all honesty I just don’t know. Certain aspects of my life are hard at the moment and I don’t know if the way I am dealing with them is how I would have before. Sometimes I wish I could pause time for a little while just to be able to stop and think and rather than make choices because I have to then and there, and actually think about what I really want.

The Oxford Mail called me this week. It would seem its been a year since the court case. My memory had stayed shut to that particular event. Being made to think about made me realise that I can remember everything about that day, possibly with more clarity than the accident itself. The weather, the drive there, even what music I listened too whilst waiting. But what sticks most in my mind is the sound of him cheering at the verdict. In that single moment I realised what despair actually feels like.

People go through so much worse than I have and move on, so I’m not sure why I have the need to think about things so much. I’m not a hoarder with physical items in my life, yet with my thoughts and memories, I can’t seem to let them go.

Busy Time

We’ve had a busy week for the Hyatt household!

Last Sunday I had a bad day. I didn’t sleep very well the night before which never helps and I was very upset all day. I had a ball of anxiety rumbling in my tummy and with it came a river of tears. They flowed unashamedly all day, not worrying about who saw or who heard the cries.
I don’t know why I have days like this. I do know that on good days I still carry a certain amount of fear with me so perhaps it all builds up and then inevitably erupts when I cannot hold it in any longer.
Whatever the reason may be, I know that it wont last forever, I will get better.

I have been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and I am due to begin counselling in the next few weeks. I knew I wasn’t right so there is relief in the knowledge that how I am feeling and the constant ups and downs are normal and there is help available. There is nervousness about it and having to face my problems but I am also looking forward to finally dealing with all of the emotions rolling around inside and being able to really move on.
Despite becoming more and more mobile I am feeling more anxious about going out. I feel very nervous if we need to go somewhere and the thought of being amongst large groups petrifies me. I can’t work out why, I don’t know what I think is going to happen but I just can’t do it.

We did however take a last minute trip to The Wirral in the week to see James’ Grandad. James’ Mum came with us which helped with my nerves as I knew there would be someone else there (and as it turned out was a huge blessing) Luckily we stay at his Aunt’s house which is located on the beach front, it’s beautiful and we always love it it when we go. The children had a fantastic time playing on the sand and Grandad Henry definitely enjoying seeing them. Children are without a doubt therapeutic.
I found it hard to not be in the middle of the fun, instead I sat on the beach in my chair watching from afar. This is when I get angry and what the accident has taken away from me.
But unfortunately poor Charleigh had an accident which resulted in a dash to A&E. James took her crabbing and she fell from the rocks into the sea and cutting her leg badly on the way down. Karin and I took her as James was soaking wet from rescuing her! She was ever so brave though and luckily it happened at the the end of our trip and she will make a full recovery 🙂

Yesterday I had Physio for the first time since having the boot removed. Despite doing so well walking around, O didn’t realise how much I still couldn’t do until I was asked to try. It was a huge reminder that I still have a long way to go! I have lots of exercises to do three times a day to get my ankle working again as it should.
It’s very easy to get so focused on having casts, boots and cages removed that it’s easy to forget that the journey doesn’t end there, in some sense it only just starts.

This weekend we are back at my Mum’s for a family Christening. I love being here, I always feel so much calmer when I’m with her. I’ve said it before but it’s true, no matter how old you are you always want your Mum. And my Mum is amazing.
We are missing a night out tonight to London because I just cannot face it mentally. It really angers me that I cannot just pull myself together enough to just do it. James is so patient with me and my to-ing and fro-ing. As always he is my rock, pulling me up when I am down and holding me when I am up.

Looking Forward

I have been so happy with the results from Monday and the pictures of my bones starting to heal. It has been a huge confidence boost and I have been up and walking all over the house! I am quite confident now without my crutches although I will still take one with me if I go out anywhere. The stairs are no problem either, I can get up and down without the need to bump down on my bum!
I am finally beginning to feel some sense of achievement and the small light at the end of the long tunnel is starting to shine a little.
The remainder of my journey doesn’t seem as daunting as it has done up until now. I still have some daemons to fight emotionally, however physically I am so much stronger.

A very good friend took me out for a few hours today and some quality girl time was had. It was the first time I have ventured out without the wheelchair, I was slightly nervous and unsure of how much my legs could take, but it was something that I needed to do. (we did have it in the boot just in case!) Being out and about walking instead of being in the wheelchair felt so strange. You adapt to new things remarkably quickly and things soon become a comfort blanket. I felt very vulnerable with only my crutches for support. The world seemed like a much bigger place.
We began by getting our nails done which was fabulous. I feel automatically happier having nice nails! Then the rather excitable Chinese nail man informed us that you aren’t allowed to park on a yellow line so we made a mad dash back to the car to move it. Panic over we had lunch and a good gossip.
I was exhausted by the time I was delivered back home, I am hoping that the walking around and using some energy will help me sleep tonight. I so long for a full, undisturbed nights sleep.

James and I have argued a lot this week which has been sad considering the good news.
There is no fault to be given, we are both to blame. We each carry our frustrations that have inevitably taken its toll. The life we are leading at the moment has been thrown at us and for a while you get swept up in the momentum, it’s only when the storm calms a little that you really get a chance to feel anything.
We are strong though and it will take more than this to break us! James is my rock and I couldn’t have got through this without him, he has been truly amazing.
Everyone is allowed a time to be angry and pissed off, the last few days has been ours.

We are away at my Mum’s this weekend and I really cannot wait. I am in serious need of some Mummy time, she is the best!

Today has been a good day and it ends on a high.
Tonight, for the first time in nine weeks, I was able to walk into the bedrooms of my children, tuck them in and whisper my goodnights. I was able to steal a few precious moments of wonder, watching my gorgeous little people in the land of dreams, peaceful and beautiful.