Almost at that two year mark …… two weeks to go.
I feel as anxious as I did this time last year which is peculiar. Why should I still be feeling this way? Time ticks on and life flies by but I feel as though there is this small part of me stuck.
I was in Sainsburys at the weekend doing my weekly shop (ironically I bought fajita ingredients and was coming home to watch Britains Got Talent) and over the speaker came a customer announcement for a customer of a particular vehicle to make their way to the customer service. It made me stop in my tracks and a panic filled my bones. Lightening doesn’t strike twice right? As I left the store shortly after this and due to a lack of blue flashing lights anywhere near by I put it down to something else other than the unthinkable.
My personal legal case is still ongoing against her and I saw the surgeon in December so that he could put together a final prognosis.
In short I have a 25% of requiring further surgery to remove the metalwork, and the symptoms I currently have (continuous aching in my lower right leg and left ankle, occasional swelling of both) are likely to be permanent.
So all in all it could be assumed that that is extremely positive and I am lucky to not be at high risk or osteoarthritis.
Except I have an inability at present to see the positive. I may sound melodramatic to some, even selfish as I have been told – after all I have my legs and they work, I don’t have a life threatening illness, I am fit and healthy – but 24 months ago there was nothing wrong with me and had it not been for the carelessness of another person my legs wouldn’t ache (sometimes to the point of sleepless nights and through tears), they wouldn’t swell and they wouldn’t be permanently scarred. So yes, maybe I am lucky to some but this is my own personal daemon and I won’t apologise for my feelings.
If I could be rid of the anger and hatred I would as it’s exhausting sometimes.
Perhaps when the legal case is over I can finally draw a line under the whole chapter. At the moment there is still that feeling of unfinished business.
But I know I have a choice. I can either let the emotions fill my every being and dictate how I should live, or I can be triumphant and live life regardless.
So of all things to bein again I have started running! I’m no Mo Farrah but 5km and I are becoming friends.
Things have been going really well …… and then the snow came.
With all the New Year enthusiasm I could muster I found a new love … the gym! I’ve been getting a sweat on, my joints working and heart beating with some work on the cross trainer, rowing machine, bike and treadmill. How have I not done this earlier? When someone is around to help I even manage a little walking backwards on the treadmill (where’s the reverse button?) – my physio would be proud! And together with some healthier eating and a swim twice a week I managed to lose 9lb. I have felt so incredibly healthy and happy!
And then came the snow.
I am not a fan. In fact I can quite happily say I hate it. And for almost a week it’s been coming and with it bringing then fear of god into me. Every step I take is taken with purpose and its safe to say that newly fixed bones do not like the cold. I’m a nervous wreck every time I step foot out of my front door and my worst nightmare came true last Tuesday whilst picking the boys up from pre-school.
Not even an ice rink is as slippery as the car park there. It’s a death zone! Had I left myself fall on my bum in front of the other parents and toddlers slipping and sliding maybe embarrassment would have have my only issue. However, as my right leg lost grip and slid out from under me, survival instinct kicked in and my left leg (held together with a metal plate and screws) slammed down rather heavily to steady the rest of me. This has resulted in a week in increasing pain, a limp, restless nights and a very irritable me. I relented last night and took a painkiller. Bearing in mind I was taking two of these four times a day and still functioning, last night just one little yellow and green capsule managed to knock me out. James asked me if it helped the pain. From the depth of my unconsciousness I can’t be certain but I had a good sleep if nothing else! He also reminded me that when I first started to take these painkillers they were an alternative to the morphine so compared to that (and those that visited me will no doubt have many a funny memory of me on morphine) they were smarties!
I’m hoping I’ve just badly bruised it somehow 😦 It’s extremely painful to touch, swollen and just doesn’t feel right. I’ve spoken to my surgeon and he is going to see me on Monday.
My gut is telling me that it is nothing serious but that doesn’t stop scary thoughts invading my head. Having metal in your body always holds the risk of problems, I just didn’t expect anything this soon.
Just when things felt so amazing, reality comes and smacks you with a snowball before you have a chance to duck.
I have my last counselling session coming up next week. This will take place at Sainsburys, in the spot where this story began. To this day I still haven’t driven that way in the car park, I go in the opposite direction and park over the other side. I don’t have a logical explanation. I know it won’t happen again but I just can’t make myself do it. If I am a passenger in a car and the driver travels that way fear still spreads through me like a virus when we pass the spot. I’m hoping that by facing it I will finally be able to let to of that fear.
I can’t believe that it’s been eight months. When I look bad it seems so utterly surreal.
Did it actually happen?
Despite the small issue with my leg at the moment I do feel that I am now waking up from what has been a bad dream.