Stairs? No Problem!

Since yesterday and being up and about more at home it has given me a new found energy.

I have wanted to get up today and move around and just being able to have freedom in my home again is wonderful.
I am probably putting too much weight on my left leg but it doesn’t hurt so I’m not too worried. My ankle on the right leg is a bit sore tonight and throbbing but it’s not unbearable. Again, I’m not worried as a certain amount of pain from Nicholas is expected.

Last night I even managed to WALK up one flight of stairs! With broken legs that is just amazing. I didn’t manage it quite as the Physio taught me but I did it and I am so proud of myself.
I started up on my bum as normal and decided to stand up on the first landing to go and tuck the children in and turn out lights. When faced with the flight of stairs up to our room I decided to give it a go. I have a habit of over-thinking things sometimes so doing something like this on the spare of the moment is a good thing. If I had thought about it too much I would have convinced myself I couldn’t do it.
It was brilliant and has given me real hope and reignited the fire in my belly.

I am back at the hospital on Monday where I hope that I will be allowed to fully weight bare (or is it bear?!) on my left leg and then I will only need one crutch. That is a huge step as it wasn’t so long ago I could barely move with a zimmer frame. Despite drowning in some dark days recently, today I feel like I have finally come up for breath.
Is it my new found freedom? The relief of finally admitting that I need help and am going to get it? Some peaceful nights sleep?
Who knows, but whatever the answer it’s working!

James and I are going out for lunch tomorrow with another totally amazing friend that we are very lucky to have in our lives. She has been there every day since the accident with words of advice and encouragement, an absolute angel.
For the first time in a long time I am actually looking forward to going out.
I wonder if the sun will shine in the sky? It will definitely be shining for me no matter what.

Cleaning, Friends & Ouch!

The day started with tears, has ended with pain but the middle bit was alright!

When I bum shuffled down the first set of stairs this morning I was greeted with two cheeky smiles on the landing. My gorgeous little boys! Henry was eager to show me something very funny in his eyes, him wearing my Ugg boots. However, before I had a chance to tell him to move away from the stairs he was attempting to put them, lost balance and toppled head first down them and all I could do was watch and yell for James. I promptly burst into tears, totally mortified that there was nothing I could do, yet again, to comfort my son. He wasn’t hurt, just shocked, and I think I was more upset than him.

So, after eating breakfast amongst the madness that is our house in the mornings I did what I do to relieve stress …… I cleaned!
I got myself up on my crutches and I cleaned my kitchen sides and sink, emptied and re-filled the dishwasher, swept the kitchen floor and hung some washing up to dry. Boy, it felt so good to be doing just normal things! I never thought I’d see the day when I got actually excited by menial household jobs!

We have a few plans here and there for this week which I like. However much I hate going out, especially if it means being around people, I know I must do it. I can’t be a hermit and the longer you avoid something the worse it becomes. I hate wishing time away but I really want July to be over with. When we finally reach August I will be able to say that next month, I will be Nicholas free. I don’t care about the cast or boot that I might have afterwards, anything but the cage.

The house has been filled with laughter and fun today. We had an extra toddler running around as we were looking after a friends little boy. It is so uplifting to hear the giggles of small children and see them interact with each other and they are such good friends it was really beautiful watching them play.
The friend in question has been an absolute tower of strength to not only me but James as well. Nothing is ever too much trouble and she is always there with a cuddle and a smile. She is one of life’s good people and I feel very lucky to be able to call her a friend. Love you x

It has taken a while for my boys to become comfortable with me and my legs. Now they quite happily clamber onto my lap, play with the metal rings on my cage, tread on my toes if I’m stood up. It is hard to find the right balance between them being happy and natural with me yet aware that I do still have bad legs (something Archie could do well to remember when he’s launching a fire engine at me for me to save!) I am always very cautious to tell them to back off in case I push them away. But a lesson learnt tonight as Henry was sat on my lap and promptly fell onto my left leg …… ouch!! It was elevated in front of me and luckily I had the boot on but the pain! How I didn’t release a torrent of foul language is beyond me.
Needless to say I am now reaping the benefits of painkillers washed down with a cold beer!

Stairs 0 – Kerry 1 (but bittersweet)

The house is feeling less like a prison and more like a home again!

A wonderful friend came to visit today and I was able to have precious cuddles with her six week old beautiful baby who was born on the same day that I had my operation, a birth that was much later than expected. It would seem that May 18th was the day for getting things done.
The universe has a way of making things even. For every ying there is a yang.

Following a sleepless night and a busy lunch time of good food and lots of chatter I felt more than ready to have a nap. However I wasn’t going to forget my self set goal of reaching the top of my house. I so desperately wanted to be able to just sleep in the quiet sanctuary of my bedroom. So I positioned myself sitting on the stairs and one by one I heaved myself up! I could have cried with excitement and happiness. I was no longer bound to downstairs, I was free!
The triumph was bitter sweet though as my nap was not to be so back downstairs I travelled and am now in my new, comfortable position on the sofa. No longer a bed-ridden invalid but a fully abled member of this house.

Despite feeling so extremely proud that I have achieved yet another goal, I can’t help but still feel a void in the joy.

Today has been one of those days where I just needed my Mum.
I know it’s lack of sleep but I feel on the verge of tears, I haven’t cried in a while now so I am shocked to feel this way.
I seem to have a torrent of emotions running through me and it’s all a bit overwhelming,
Happiness that I am seeing a light at the end, guilt for what I am putting my family through, pride of what I have achieved, sadness for times lost, shame for complaining when I am aware of others going through so much worse, excitement at what I am going to make of my future.
How can you feel so many things at once.
How are you supposed to take control of so many feelings at once?
It makes me want to run away and hide from the world.

I really hope that I am blessed with sleep tonight and tomorrow I can feel some inner peace.

The Only Way Is Up

So it’s almost 4.30am and I’ve managed about an hours sleep.
The inability to succumb to the land of rest and peace doesn’t come from pain, nightmares or unease, it is just pure and simple insomnia. The doctor did prescribe me some medication with instructions to only take them for a week as they can be highly addictive. His opinion was my body just required some help in returning to a ‘normal’ sleeping routine. When I did take them I fell into a blissful sleep all night. Without them it would appear I don’t! I’m not so sure my body hasn’t remembered the art of sleeping despite the medicated kick start. However, I’m not going to worry, it’ll come back eventually I’m sure. I have adjusted my diet to try and help nature find the right path….. no more caffeine for this lady!

During the last six and a half weeks since my accident it has been all about setting myself goals and taking small steps everyday to get there. So far I have laughed in the face of these broken legs and achieved every one with, tears and occasionally pain, but most of all with a determination I didn’t know existed in me.
I can get to a standing position without help, I can walk confidently with my zimmerman, I am taking myself to the downstairs toilet (bye bye commode!) I can enjoy the sun in my conservatory and my children playing outside, I can sit in my garden.

I don’t like to be told I cannot do something if I know that there isn’t a good enough reason for me not to do it.
And so onto my next goal …………. Upstairs.

I want to be able to ‘go’ to bed, enjoy the boys splash in the bath, watch Charleigh practice her piano, remember the amazing views from our attic bedroom window. But most of all I want to be able to go and just be by myself if I so wish. And the ‘Monica’ in me wants my living room to resemble exactly that again and less like a bedroom. I am not sick, I am not an invalid, I do not need to be living in the downstairs of my home. I need some normality now to my every day life and I’ll be damned if these legs are going to stop me.
And I am going to do it. I am going to go upstairs (well, give it my best shot,with James’ help)
Please don’t be mistaken into thinking that I have lost my mind and am going to attempt to walk up the stairs (and two flights at that to get to my bedroom), no, I will use the unconventional way of taking oneself up the stairs backwards on my bottom!
The only obstacle that I will face is once at the top, how to get myself up from the floor.
But six weeks ago I didn’t believe that I would be able to walk with broken legs, yet here I am.
So I am positive that between myself and James we’ll do it!

And so the challenge is set. Upstairs, here I come.