This Blog Is For Me ….. if you don’t like it don’t read it

I didn’t start this blog for sympathy or to make out as though I am hard done by. I started it because something traumatic happened to me and I needed a way to deal with it and the emotions that it bought. Before the age of word processing and Internet I would have gone to the shop and bought a pad and pen. But as this is 2012 here I am on my iPad using WordPress. I haven’t asked anybody to read it, I haven’t asked for comments or words of advice. Last year I watched my step father die of Cancer so I am fully aware that there are bigger problems in the world than my broken legs. However that doesn’t take away from what I am going through. This diary is personal to me, I was run over, my legs were broken and I am in pain. I don’t feel sorry for myself in the slightest, I wake up every morning with a strength I didn’t know I had and fight my way through the day. I have a gorgeous family who I am strong for every day. I smile, I laugh and help create happy memories for my children. I use this as my place to let out my anger, pain and fears. I am not ashamed of that.
If you don’t agree with it, or you don’t like it, please, just don’t read it.

Since court last Wednesday there have been ups and downs. I was so immensely angry (and as it would seem so were a large proportion of our family and friends). The support I have been shown has been truly amazing. It’s a relief to know that the anger I felt wasn’t born out of self pity but rather the injustice of the decisions made.
(I made front page of the Oxford Mail for their follow up story, my claim to fame!)
After their article, written in my favour, the CPS responded standing by their desicions stating
“The most important aspect of cases like this for victims is for the defendant to acknowledge responsibility for the injuries caused.”
Yes, is absolutely true. However, I would have expected the fact that she was in control of a motor vehicle and ran someone over without (apparently) realising she’d done it quite disturbing. And then leaving the scene and not even trying to help rather serious. I mean, she just left me there. How can she be found not guilty of that? She did it!
But what is done is done. I will always be angry and carry the feeling of being let down but I need to focus my energy on healing and direct my anger there. I won’t let her take over my life, I need to try and move on from the accident. I start counselling next week, I need to look forward.

We went to my Mum’s this weekend and had a night out with my Aunt for dinner and a family Sunday lunch out at the garden centre. It felt good to go out and do normal things. I was a little nervous before going out for dinner but it vanished as soon as we got there. It was heading to be a good weekend until this afternoon …….

I seem to be entering a second pin site infection. The pain is excruciating and the weariness is brings is almost unbearable. It creates many unwanted tears but that just seems to be the course. James deals with my episodes of continuing sobbing so well. He just opens his arms and scoops me up. It’s a wonderful feeling to know you are loved. I might have been dealt a bad hand but it has made me realise how lucky I am.
Right now I cannot put any weight on my leg without wanting to scream and even resting it hurts. I cannot get comfortable and and am so anxious I am almost shaking. Tonight I know will be a hard one and I won’t be counting on a lot of sleep. If I can just get through it relatively calmly without too many tears I will be happy. I will be calling the Trauma unit first thing and it’ll be another trip to hospital no doubt.

Closing ceremony of the Olympics tonight. I’m absolutely gutted that I only got to be part of London 2012 from my sofa 😦 I have felt extremely proud to be British over the last fortnight. Go Team GB!

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Sunshine Day

Today the sun has been shining, inside and out, what a beautiful day!

Last night before bed, to try and help with my inability to sleep, I had a cup of hot milk with some grated nutmeg. I’m unsure whether it was that, the crisp clean sheets or sheer exhaustion that helped me to sleep, but sleep I did for around 5 hours. Even when I did wake up I was able to drift back again relatively easily. How amazing it was this morning to feel rested.

And the good feelings continued……

With the boys being so comfortable with my new position in the house, cuddles are a plenty and a different sense of normality is taking shape. This morning they were quite happy for me to take charge from my chair and get them dressed and ready to go to nursery. I am gradually finding my place back in the family mix and it feels wonderful and if can only go from strength to strength.

After seeing the boys off with a kiss and a smile James and I made our way to the hospital for my next check up. I was feeling a mixture of excitement, I wanted to see how the bones were healing, but also a little nervous, what if things weren’t fixing? Could I handle a knock back?
I need not have worried, my bones are working a small miracle.
The X-rays showed the extent of the damage that was done to my legs but also the magic that is going on within.

The left leg, with it’s metal screws and plate, has healed so far just as it should. This means I have been able to exchange the cast for a Samsonite boot. It’s big, bulky, black and hot …… but it brings me the ability to bein weight bearing! I can now partial weight bear, enough to move around and balance. In the next two weeks I should be able to begin full weight bearing. In just one short month my left leg is halfway to recovery. Well done bones!

Good ole Nicholas is fulfilling his responsibilities too. Even though there is no sign yet of healing to the bones, it wasn’t expected at this stage. However everything is looking good (well as good as a leg with multiple fractures and pins holding it together can look) and my surgeon is happy.
The tibia is broken in various places, there is a clean break at the top and multiple breaks (where the car ran over it) further down. If the bottom fractures heal before the top I might need another operation to insert more pins and tighten the frame to squeeze the bones together. This doesn’t concern me in the slightest. I have come this far, I can deal with that.
I have total faith in my surgeon that he will do whatever necessary to fix my legs and I will do my part and stay strong.

Pulling up to the house I was excited, I had butterflies, my heart raced a little too fast, would I be able to walk? Was I expecting too much?

James wheeled me into the house and up from the wheelchair and onto the zimmer I went and I walked, actually walked!!!
Both feet on the ground, one step at a time, one foot in front of the other.
I made it roughly five feet and promptly burst into tears. I have never felt so many emotions at once, relief, happiness, excitement, nervousness …. I felt free and independent for the first time in five weeks. I wasn’t reliant on anyone, just me and my frame. In the flick of a switch the world no longer seems likes a scary place.
I can walk!! It’s going to take some practice, I need to learn how to walk properly again, at the moment each step is slow and precise, it isn’t natural yet, but I can do it! YES!!!!!!!

Looking at the x-rays is very surreal. It’s an indescribable feeling to look at the broken bones and accept that they are mine. They bring back memories of the accident, the horror and the pain, but they also tell and wonderful, beautiful story.
It’s an ongoing story of stength, courage and faith, as yet I don’t know how the story will end, but I am excited and ready to find out.

I have a new fire burning in me, I feel alive!