Time Ticks On

I’ve been sat here for ten minutes looking at the screen but it appears my brain had run out of words! So this blog may be a bit bitty and all over the place as I’m just going to write it as it comes.

Things have been good, I started back at the gym after a lazy break! Truth is I just never got back into the swing after our holiday and then the sun appeared so I was spending gym time in the garden! It was going really well (my return to the gym that is, not garden time, although it was rather enjoyable) I found that I was actually able to run again without any pain. I felt so amazing when I ran 4km, I was happy all the way through, right to my bones. I’m lucky that my best friend is a Personal Trainer so she helps making sure I do all of the correct stretches before and after my marathon sessions. But then, like a lightening bolt, disaster struck. My right leg became swollen and really quite painful. It now hurts to walk let alone run so once again I’m in the garden and not the gym. I know I need to call my surgeon for advice or a check up. But what can he say? Don’t over do it, take it easy, rest your legs. But I’m so fed up of resting my legs (as much as I can in-between being a housewife and full time Mum to three darlings who are on summer holidays!) I am so desperate to just be able to do normal things without a constant fear in the back of my head that I’m going to do some damage.
Maybe I just need to get over it and accept that pain is the way of life now.
I haven’t built up the courage yet to make that call.

It’s been 10 months since I had the Ilizarov removed.
Time is a peculiar thing. You can’t stop it, you can’t fast forward it, it just keeps ticking by regardless. So even though the last ten months have felt like I’ve been zooming through life on a rocket, I’ve actually been cage-less for double the time I had it attached. And time with Ole Nicholas couldn’t have been any slower without actually stopping.

Sometimes I wonder if the accident changed me as a person. Physically obviously it did, and its still taking to time realise that. I need to remember that it’s not about what I can’t do, but what I can do and how well I can do it.
But mentally, emotionally? Do I think differently? Behave differently? Am I the same person?
In all honesty I just don’t know. Certain aspects of my life are hard at the moment and I don’t know if the way I am dealing with them is how I would have before. Sometimes I wish I could pause time for a little while just to be able to stop and think and rather than make choices because I have to then and there, and actually think about what I really want.

The Oxford Mail called me this week. It would seem its been a year since the court case. My memory had stayed shut to that particular event. Being made to think about made me realise that I can remember everything about that day, possibly with more clarity than the accident itself. The weather, the drive there, even what music I listened too whilst waiting. But what sticks most in my mind is the sound of him cheering at the verdict. In that single moment I realised what despair actually feels like.

People go through so much worse than I have and move on, so I’m not sure why I have the need to think about things so much. I’m not a hoarder with physical items in my life, yet with my thoughts and memories, I can’t seem to let them go.

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Normality On The Horizon

My counselling has begun for my PTSD. My therapist is really lovely and luckily I find her easy to talk to. She is almost more aware of my feelings than I am and has an amazing ability to withdraw things from me that I didn’t know were lurking beneath the surface. I don’t ever expect to forget about the accident, and in a peculiar way I wouldn’t want to, however I am positive that with her help I will be able to finally process my thoughts in such a way that I will no longer be scared of them. They won’t rule my mind forever. It is a huge relief to find out that things that worry me now that aren’t directly related to what has happened are completely normal. The vulnerability I now feel just walking down the street on my own, being in a car, the fear of having to eventually drive again.
The mind is a wonderful thing but sometimes it just needs a little help.

My leg is still swelling quite considerably during the day which leaves me feeling uncomfortable. I know it’s to be expected though. The wounds are healing very well which is brilliant, I was so worried about infections. I’m managing to walk around using just one crutch and I’m being strict with my physiotherapy. One day I will walk straight with bendy ankles and without bowing knees!
Tonight I have my first date (post Nicholas) with my bath, a large glass of white wine, candles and my book (don’t panic, I have been showering, just not submerging my leg in water).

Today saw me joining Rachel and James take the boys swimming (the boys being my two troublesome monsters and their best chum Theo). Amazing is the only way to describe it. Not only did the water help my leg feel free and able, I was a part of the joy on my sons faces. I felt totally normal doing a normal family thing.
The boys still aren’t 100% for me yet but progress is being made. With every little thing I do with them I feel a step closer to normality. We have two and half weeks until James is back to work. I can’t lie and say I’m not worried because I am, very. However I am starting to gain my confidence back as a Mother. He is an amazing Dad and husband, he has been my rock since May and this time he has been able to spend with our children has been so precious and possibly the biggest positive to come from my broken bones.
But we have different ways of doing things and with us both being at home 24/7, our differences are starting to show. I am a good Mum and despite the slight uncertainty, I will be again. I feel the need to be able to spread my wings and put my stamp back on this family. I’m not an outsider anymore.

A little thought to leave this day with ….. Smile and the world will smile with you 🙂

And So It Goes On …… Me & The Converse

I’m afraid of sounding like a broken record, however the whole point of this blog was to help me and to be a place for me to ‘get it all out’. So continue to ramble I shall ……….

After admitting the fact that I wasn’t alright and feeling as though I am not coping, I let the flood gates open and I cried all of the tears I have been holding back. My fear came true, once I started I couldn’t stop. I cried, I screamed, I moaned ……. totally out of control.
Do I feel better? Honestly? No, not really, but I suppose they are better out than in.
After a day and night of crying I just feel exhausted.
At one point this morning the crying turned to panic as I struggled to catch my breath resulting in a panic attack. I became a shaking hysterical mess with James shouting at me to control my breathing and calm down. I honestly don’t know how he is putting up with me.

I had to get a grip though as I needed to face the big wide world for a Physio session. The movement in my ankles continues to be good and I am successfully transferring from sitting to standing (with the zimmer) well. I managed six steps before I had to give in to the pain. It still feels amazing to be upright and moving! At my last session my goal was just that, to be able to get myself up and moving without help. I reached that goal with flying colours. My new goal, in which I have three weeks to accomplish, is to be able to walk, still with my zimmer, to one end of the room and back, without assistance. In my world, outside of the Physio room, it means that in theory I will be able to take myself to my downstairs toilet (and regain a little of my dignity in the process). It’s a challenge that I accept.

And tonight, I finally managed to get my foot into my Converse! The swelling has finally gone down so I can be rid of spectacularly ugly black shoe.

All of todays events I know are positive, they show that I am making progress. I fully understand that. So why do they not make me feel any happier? I don’t feel positive.
I don’t want to be trying to walk, I just want to be ale to walk.
I don’t want to have to try and sleep, I just want to be able to curl up, forget about my worries and sleep soundly.
I don’t want to have this urge to cry all of the time bubbling away inside of me.

I can’t break down in front my children, I refuse.
I can’t cry in front of my friends, I’m just not that person.

I hate this, I really really hate it. The frame is working a miracle on my bones and for that I am grateful. However, I can’t help but ask, at what price? My bones might be fixing but I feel like I’m breaking.