Normality On The Horizon

My counselling has begun for my PTSD. My therapist is really lovely and luckily I find her easy to talk to. She is almost more aware of my feelings than I am and has an amazing ability to withdraw things from me that I didn’t know were lurking beneath the surface. I don’t ever expect to forget about the accident, and in a peculiar way I wouldn’t want to, however I am positive that with her help I will be able to finally process my thoughts in such a way that I will no longer be scared of them. They won’t rule my mind forever. It is a huge relief to find out that things that worry me now that aren’t directly related to what has happened are completely normal. The vulnerability I now feel just walking down the street on my own, being in a car, the fear of having to eventually drive again.
The mind is a wonderful thing but sometimes it just needs a little help.

My leg is still swelling quite considerably during the day which leaves me feeling uncomfortable. I know it’s to be expected though. The wounds are healing very well which is brilliant, I was so worried about infections. I’m managing to walk around using just one crutch and I’m being strict with my physiotherapy. One day I will walk straight with bendy ankles and without bowing knees!
Tonight I have my first date (post Nicholas) with my bath, a large glass of white wine, candles and my book (don’t panic, I have been showering, just not submerging my leg in water).

Today saw me joining Rachel and James take the boys swimming (the boys being my two troublesome monsters and their best chum Theo). Amazing is the only way to describe it. Not only did the water help my leg feel free and able, I was a part of the joy on my sons faces. I felt totally normal doing a normal family thing.
The boys still aren’t 100% for me yet but progress is being made. With every little thing I do with them I feel a step closer to normality. We have two and half weeks until James is back to work. I can’t lie and say I’m not worried because I am, very. However I am starting to gain my confidence back as a Mother. He is an amazing Dad and husband, he has been my rock since May and this time he has been able to spend with our children has been so precious and possibly the biggest positive to come from my broken bones.
But we have different ways of doing things and with us both being at home 24/7, our differences are starting to show. I am a good Mum and despite the slight uncertainty, I will be again. I feel the need to be able to spread my wings and put my stamp back on this family. I’m not an outsider anymore.

A little thought to leave this day with ….. Smile and the world will smile with you 🙂

Advertisements

Happy Jubilee

One of the good things to come out of the accident is it bringing lots of old friends to visit!
I have been feeling very disappointed that I have had to sit back and watch all of the Jubilee celebrations pass me by, such a momentous occasion and I haven’t participated at all.
But on reflection I have had a lovely weekend. I have been visited by some old friends that I haven’t seen in many years, enjoyed a lovely family dinner and today I have spent quality time with an amazing friend whilst our boys ran around happy and smiling. The whole weekend has revolved around good food and a few cheeky glasses of wine. Good times are what you make them and despite the legs, I can look back on the Jubilee with happy memories.

Even though we have two very energetic little boys, I fear the house will feel quiet for the next couple of days. My Mummy has gone home until the weekend and on her way has taken Charleigh to her Godmothers house for a mini break. I love having my Mum here, it’s at times like this that I really regret moving away. She is the most amazing person. Nothing is too much trouble, she just comes and does anything and everything that needs doing without a second thought. She is exactly what you need in a time if crisis. Love you Mummy x

My legs are feeling very sore today, I like to think that it is my bones mending, but I have to admit that it’s also likely due to being as busy as I have been. Not only does it take great effort physically to get in and out of the house and car but sitting in a chair all day (as opposed to the bed) has the same affect on my body today as a full day of being on my feet looking after my family would have had four weeks ago. It’s a different tiredness though. At the moment I can feel it creeping through me like snake, taking over my being, unwanted, yet so fierce I cannot do anything but give in to it. One the one hand I know that rest helps the healing, but to me it’s a whole new experience that is taking time to adjust to. I used to long for days when I could just sit undisturbed, now I want nothing more than to be running after my boys and playing taxi to Charleigh’s social life.

I am almost halfway through the journey with the left leg. It’s been almost three weeks since the operation which is really hard to believe. There is still a long road ahead for Nicholas and I though and at the moment it feels as though time has slowed. I can almost hear every second tick by in slow motion. The weight is bearing down, not just on my leg from the Fixator itself, but on my heart. I am on a path that I don’t want to be on, yet I know I have to take it and being thrown along with me are the people that I love and care for the most. A certain amount of guilt comes with that and it can be hard to accept.

As I write this my boys are playing happily together, the loving brothers that they are, chatting away in a land of make believe. The innocence of children is a wonderful thing, the whole world and life is just a huge adventure! I love watching my children grow and shine knowing that there is a little bit of me in them 🙂 I love being a Mum more than anything in the world.